taking a look at your expectations

If you are considering adopting or are newly home with your child(ren) ---Please read this article on expectations.  It is really helpful.

Taking a New Look at Your Expectations

Posted: 27 Mar 2014 11:40 PM PDT

As adoptive and foster parents encounter challenges and struggles, many of them discover that much of their frustration and disappointment is rooted in their own unrealistic expectations.

Watch as Michael Monroe provides insight into the importance of realistic expectations and how by holding their expectations loosely, parents can actually begin to make progress toward greater healing and connection.

For more resources about motivations and expectations, click here.

This article is linked to and is from Empowered To Connect
You can subscribe at this link as well.

End of school = feelings of abandonment ?

The end of a school session, whether for a short break or summer vacation, can bring a load of feelings to the surface for any child. Some kids are just so glad that school is out they give little thought to what they will miss about it. Summer or any break is the best! Other kids love school and are sad to go for a variety of reasons, missing friends, a good teacher, fear of the unknown of next year, slow adjusters to change, etc. These are all very normal for any child. For an adopted child there may be one added reason to be sad school is over, abandonment. What? Oh, it may not be the case for every kid, nor even the majority, but for some, this is as real as school itself.
I recently had the opportunity to sort this out with one of my own, trying to put myself in his shoes for a while. Imagine that you once lived with a loving family who (for whatever reason is apt to your child) sent them to a facility with a lot of children and a few grown ups (orphanage but also school), you now have grief which translates into fear of going to school at all, anxiety and nervous energy with no real good outlet. Oh, no you say, my child asked to go to school, he loves it. Yep, so did mine, sometimes it works, other times, not so well. That desire came from the hopes and dreams painted for them by those adults in Ethiopia. When you go to America you will go to school, lucky child! Or maybe from seeing older kids go and the natural desire to be like older siblings. This often translates into some anxiety that seems to stem from no where. Abandonment. Ok, so we get to the end of the year, our child understands his permanence in our family, no longer worried about school. Just in time, school is out and he crashes in a heap of tears and sadness. What? Is this attachment? Does he love is teacher more than mom? Is he just overly sensitive to change, etc? Well, maybe yes, but more likely no. Abandonment. Yep, remember he once lived at a place full of kids and a few grown ups. Then it was his turn to go with his forever family, leaving what he had finally somewhat adjusted to and he never saw any of them again.............. subconscious abandonment, will this happen this time too? No, not this time. But, what if you move? This child could relive his trauma again and will need you to explain that it is ok to grieve, ok to feel sad, to cry and say what he is afraid of. You can remind him that in the midst of change that is every so hard, good still comes. Look for it and be glad when it comes. Love lives in your heart forever even when you are not with those who you love.
Ok, so your child has been home a year or two and this has not come up. So, we are all good, home free, right? Maybe. Maybe not. This happened for our little one, for the first time, after four years home. You never know when those old feelings and scars will pop back up to stir things up. You never know, be prepared, eyes wide open. Talk openly when/if they come up and  things settle a lot faster. No, I don't think it is feeding them ideas, I think it is giving words to feelings that are buried so deep they are like a big cloud of confusion. Name it, talk about it, it becomes manageable.

therapist in Colorado Springs

I have recently found out about a therapist in the Colorado Springs area who works with adoptive families. I have not used this therapist but have great reports about the counselor from an adoptive family who is really getting a lot of help here and speaks very highly of this therapist and practice. 

Gene DeLoux MA LPC
DeLoux@gmail.com
719-264-0054

5875 Lehman Drive, Sui9te 103

Individual, marriage, family, child
Depression, anxiety, trauma, grief
EMDR, adoptive issues, parenting

slow down and enjoy your child

As adoptive parents we tend to get caught up in making sure our kids are up to speed and are they doing ok and all that...... I like this post about what a four year old should know. It is a good reminder to slow down and enjoy life and that little kid who will soon grow up. Read it here:
http://www.magicalchildhood.com/articles/4yo.htm

Subtle attachment issue, personal story

Ok, This is one of those personal posts.
My son is relatively well attached. Sure he has a few issues, but really he has made remarkable strides in family attachment. He is doing well. When he came to us he was fearful, angry and shut us out. He was manipulative and very interested in adults outside of our family to get his needs met. He could scream and shriek and was really a terrible child.
We have worked hard, really hard. He is a great kid now who only occasionally, barely respembles that really super awful kid we brought home. Today he is wonderful. Loves his family, obeys, has a conscious, etc....  He is a super great kid!!!!!

But, sometimes we still have issues.
Like last week. Instead of asking for what he needed he became destructive. This was subtle. He shredded his sock instead of asking to not wear them because the decal on the side was itchy. Ok, kids do this, it is fairly normal to some. However, at the root was the fact that he was unwilling to ask for what he needed so instead of asking he took things into his own hands to ensure than he never had to wear the socks again. He shredded them. On purpose. Deliberate destructive behavior to get what he needed instead of asking. He has witnessed me putting things aside that his brother (also adopted from Ethiopia) says itch, and he does not have to wear them.
So, we had some deliberate teaching time!

I think it is really helpful to know about attachment issues and what they may look like. If I had not read so much and talked to others with experience I may not have caught this for what it was. I am thankful for the experience of others and super great books  that clue me in to the subtle cues of attachment issues.

A sad but funny story from our family life

I just wanted to share a funny story that just happened in our family. It is sad in a way, but also funny. Our son Kedus, who we adopted in 2008, is in Kindergarten this year. We were eating dinner and my girls (11 and 13) were talking about lunch at school. Kedus pipes up and says "I'm glad it is going to be a long long long time before I have to have lunch at school." So why is that I ask. The girls are busy telling him that it is only next school year and that is not that far away. He looks really worried. He makes this "fish" face when he is worried. He says "Do you have to pay for it everyday?" They tell him yes, you can't get lunch for free." I ask him again, so why are you worried about eating lunch at school? He says "well, I don't know if I will have enough money to buy lunch. I will have to save up a long time." He looks like he might cry. He LOVES his food. When we brought him home he was nearly 4 and wearing 18-24 month clothing. You better bet he values eating. He is a lot bigger now and missing lunch might be good for him sometimes. (just kidding). Well, I put my arm around him and tell him that mommy and daddy will be sure he gets lunch just like we are sure his sisters get lunch. I tell him again that we pay for it just like we pay for everything else for him. He will always have what he needs. I promise, we shake on it, he goes back to eating his dinner a much happier kid.
My daughters who are my bio kids would never have thought of this. In fact they could not believe he had just said that. They kept pointing out all the things none of them have to provide for themselves.  Just one more way we see the effects of having been an orphan even 2.5 years out. Breaks my heart. I know he trusts us and knows we provide for him, but in this very basic way he showed us that down deep there are still the old ways.
Ok, there is my funny but sad tale.

Official launch of --- The Wayfarer: thoughts along the way

Well,  here it is, the official launch of The Wayfarer: Thoughts along the way blog. I have now transferred a bunch of family related posts over from here to my new family life blog. This is going to really help free up space over here so that it is more searchable. If you are interested in Ethiopian adoption, this is the place for you! Welcome and have fun. If you are interested in us as a family then pop on over to the new blog and follow us along the way of life.  I have transferred a bunch of the more personal posts over to the new blog. This blog will be a great way to communicate with my friends from adoption and my non- Ethiopian adoption family and friends, who, have been ever so patient wading through a myriad of resource related posts to finally get at a tiny bit of family news. So..... here it is! The Wayfarer: thoughts along the way. Join up and follow us on the way of life.

And, yes, I WILL continue to update this blog as well. I am no super blogger. But, I will eventually have three: Ethiopian Adoption Resource Blog, Thoughts along the way, and Good Books along the way.  Actually I will likely post a bit more on the family one than I have been doing but the others will remain stable. It just makes this one way more searchable and focused.
Thanks for reading.

funny things kids say

What I want to be when I grow up:
K and N
After the olympics they are set on being hockey players. That is one cool sport in their eyes.

In general K has stuck to his idea of being a dad, first and foremost. He even sticks to the 9 kids he expects to have. The other day he wondered if people can have 100. He learned to count to 100 recently and that is a very big number. I said, it is possible, but not likely to have 100 kids. He said, well that is good. I will do that. Another time he brought this up again. He got very serious and said "Mama, If I go to get my kids and I get 9 and there is one left without a family, I will have to take him too, then there will be 10." He has, since then, mentioned several times, that he is going to get lots of kids who don't have families and that is how he will have kids, he always ends whatever his comment is with, "that is a good thing, everyone should have a family."  I am glad he likes his family. We sure do like him.

P said that they will both do that, maybe they will be missionaries together and take care of lots of kids. What sweet and loving hearts they have. I can see this fitting into P's life someday. Compassion.

After Dinosaur Train the boys want to be Paleontologists. :) Dinosaurs are cool. O is set on archeology and has been for several years now. I can totally see that one. Maybe playing some upright bass on the side somewhere... who knows. She is really starting to bond with that instrument.

They boys had to fill out a little Star of the Week poster for school. One of the questions was what do you want to be when you grow up? Keds said right away, Spiderman. When I asked him about that later he said this, "What? That is not real, it is just someone's idea they drew. I want to have 9 kids and drive a big truck."
 N did not really get the question. He said, what is that? I gave him examples: Doctor, nurse, teacher, work with people and programs like Daddy, pastor, write books, computer, sell things. He said, "OH! I know, I know! I want to be a...............um..............guitar. No, the guy who plays the guitar." oh a musician, play music in a band. "No Mama, the guy at church who plays the guitar and sings and teaches the people new songs." oh, a worship pastor? "Yes, that is what I want to be when I grow up!" Well ok then. Great goal. So that is what we wrote on there.  Cool.


You know some days the boys want to be firefighters, race car drivers, etc.... but it always comes back to driving that big truck for both of them and being a dad of 9 kids for K. P is thinking about that. Missionary, teacher, etc? Whatever it is, it will be with people and helping. Honestly, Jr. Hi starts next year and she is really thinking about that! O -well, I hope she has the stamina to go through with it, she would love it, but it is a hard road academically, Anthropology. Yep, I will help her get there all I can. She would love it.

For now, let's just be the best "me" I can be and grow as God is leading. He does know best after all. If they can learn to trust that now, the future will be a snap! And that is my job -what I grew up to be- a mom, leading my children to believe God and trust him with their lives. That is a good job. 

Funny things kids say and a few photos

So, I think the boys are understanding English pretty well these days. Then funny things happen. It is the small underlying meanings, double meanings and descriptive words that get them. I tend to just speak adult talk to the kids and find that I am having to define words left and right. The boys have both used rather large complicated words in sentences, sometime correctly other times comically.

A small occurrence in the grocery store. I sent K over to get a "bunch of bananas". Ok, we all know a bunch means one clump all stuck together. He brought two and was trying to get a third. He picked the largest "bunches" as well. He came back and I told him such a good job helping mommy. He said, well you said to get a bunch. He thought I meant a lot of bananas. I am pretty sure my girls would have understood a bunch as one clump at age 5. Funny and cute. Of course we bought both bunches. :) They'll eat them.

In the car on the way home N randomly commented that he was not planning on "getting" any kids when he grows up. K was obviously startled and exclaimed that children are wonderful and he wants lots. I asked how many is lots (you know the "bunch" thing had just happened). He said "three, no six would be good." Then he counted out six on his fingers and said "no three more, that is nine. Nine kids that's how many!" How does he do that? He can't do math at home, but in the car he is a wiz. Then he went on with how he would buy them food and clothes and beds and they would all live in his house and he would bring them to visit me every time he came. I said," you better. I want to love all my grand-babies." We laughed. Then I said to N "it's ok if you don't want kids but Mommy is just wondering why you feel that way?" He says, "well, i don't really feel like going on an airplane when I get big." :) I said, not all kids come on airplanes and explained the various ways to adopt and have kids. He brightened up and said, "no I don't want kids, I want babies. And I don't want them to grow up. Maybe I will get a wife and then she will get a baby and then we can have just one of those and it will stay a baby." ...............Ok. He's four, I am sure he will change his mind later.

Despite telling them their stories, N still thinks he started to exist at age 3 when he came home to us. He is starting to relate the earlier parts of his life from my telling him, but he has virtually no memory of it. K on the other hand has lots of memory, much of which he still dreams about and comes to me so very sad in the night, but he can not or will not share it. The boys both love their life books and look at them nearly daily.

2008 Christmas

Christmas letter from 2008. Because I could not figure out how to do this last year. This is the letter announcing the homecoming of our new sons! Most of the people who got this had NO IDEA we were adopting. What a shock. In fact the year before WE had no idea we were adopting in 2008 either. It all came about in half a year! What a blessing!

Merry Christmas letter

Merry Christmas. We just wanted to share our Christmas newsletter with you and I finally figured out how to get it from the computer to the blog. You can follow this link to see the newsletter if you are interested.  Our Annual Newsletter has been called the Wayfarer (after several corny versions of Khaliqi Chronicles and such) longer than we have had this blog, like maybe for 12 years or so......so welcome to the original Wayfarer, just in case you are new to it.
Our Christmas Letter for 2009
We hope your season is filled with hope, love, laughter and a light heart.

The Khaliqi's

Bubby and Hana

Despite the snow at our house we were able to get out to have a most wonderful, once in a life time opportunity after church. Today we had the privilege of going to Denver to see the In country coordinator for IAN and his wife, who runs the orphanage IAN works with to place children in their forever homes. Our boys have fond, fond feelings and memories of these two. Bubby and Mommy is what they called them and now that they have a forever Mommy they are happy to call her Hana. They have asked to see them often in the last year. And today they got their chance. It was a sweet reunion. Everyone remembering one another and being so happy to see each other. It was fun to chat with friends in the process and friends I've only met on line, and our coordinator who helped to bring us our wonderful sons.

One Year Home--well a bit more than that really

ONE YEAR HOME:

The boys had a round of immunizations on Monday, (a delayed start due to snow and ice. :)
One of them is just the wimp of all wimps when it comes to these things. He screams and then limps around moaning for a few days. Ok, it hurts in the muscle after, but NOT THAT BAD.  And yes, I give them the pain killer for kids.

We are thrilled that K has gained in weight and height so that now he is in the middle upper of his range for his age! He came to us quite not even on the charts. N has gained also but did not have as much to catch up to and being younger is just smaller. However he is giardia free and both are ring worm free. These two things took about a year to clear up. We are so thankful for their health and beautiful attachment and bonding. WOW! What a blessing. Ok, I am not going to say perfect, because, after all, there is no such thing and no matter what we do all our kids will have some sort of issue...... that's life and we accept it. But, wow they are doing great. Look at their photos just above here when they were in ET, this was taken in July, only weeks before we picked them up. They are the boys in the middle K in pink and N in blue with stripes. This would have been about a year and a half ago.  And the photo just a few weeks ago proudly wearing Bronco style, K on the left and N on the right. K has had the most dramatic change on the outside, but N is not to be left behind, his inner change has been wonderfully dramatic as well!
Amazing.

where people get kids...and all about babies

Ok, the boys and I have had a few amusing conversations which I will relay to you so you can laugh like I did telling Dave about them.

We had met someone at a store who did not have any children. Of course if the boys get a chance to talk they ask if the person has kids and so found out that she did not.
Later:
K said to me, "Why she not have any kids?"
I said, well, some people just don't, that is not really anything we need to worry about.
N says, "She can go to Etopia and buy some!"
Me, "oh no, it is wrong to buy people. You buy things, but you should not buy people."
N "Well, you go to Etopia and pay money for us."
Me, "Oh no we did not! Adoption is very different. It is not ok to pay money for people. We did not buy you. We adopted you. In an adoption you pay money for a job done, like paperwork or visa or help with language, but not ever for children."

Another conversation:
The boys are questioning a visiting friend:
K "do you have kids?"
M " no, no I don't have any kids."
K "No, i mean do you have any boys like us?"
M "no, i don't have any little boys."
N "well, you can just go to Etopia and get some! Then you will have some."

Another conversation before bed:
K "mommy, do all boys come from Etopia?"
me " no some come from other places in the world and some come from the mommy they live with."
K "oh, did we come from you?"
me "No you grew in your Ethiopian mother and then she took care of you until she could not any more and she choose to help you find a new family to take care of you for the rest of your life. That is us. We adopted you. We love you so much!"
k "oh, what about Phoebe, Oliva, did they come from you?"
me "yes they did."
N "all girls come from mommy, all boys come from Etopia!"
No not really.....

this was a bit much to explain..... however, the next day N stated that he was going to grow up to be a mommy and his babies were going to come out of his tummy. Um, no...
me "you can be a daddy Nate, but only girls can be mommys."
N, "how do i get kids then?"
K "you get them from Etopia" (like, duh of course!)
Me, "well, you will need to find a lady who loves you and loves God and then you get married and she is your wife and then you can chose how you get your babies."

After that, N states in many situations and to many persons and when playing that he wants to grow up to have a wife!
K insists that we get a baby "because I loves them sooooo much. Why don't we have a baby? We can go to Etopia and get one. I will share my bed and my toys with her." (interesting that it is a her.) This kid loves babies! He ooggles at them, and tries to feed them and picks up things for them and says OH a cute baby! How cute, and things like that. He is defiantly a baby person. Hope he stays that way for a lucky future wife!

We saw cows yesterday. One nursing. They wanted to know all about that.
Did mommy feed them like that?
no, your Ethiopian mother fed you when you were a baby. It was good that she could take care of you when you were so small.
What about Phoebe, Oliva? (the ever present question).
me-yes, i fed them like that.
So, N lifts up his shirt and demonstrates how you turn it on and off like a machine. Such a boy.
No, not quite like that.........more like how the cows were drinking.
what about daddys, can daddys do that too for babies?
no, only mommy's can feed the baby like that.
K lifts up his shirt, "then why do i have them if they don't DO anything!?" The engineer.
Ummm.....(I don't know that!) that's just how God made people.

OK, hope you laughed as much as we did.

Talking to a friend and blog usefulness

The boys just got to have a skype conversation with their best buddy from Sele Enat. They were shy! I guess this is after all their normal response to a new event, person, situation. But, they had a good time and recognized Gabriel and were excited to see him. They did some talking, mostly Gabriel. :) They did ask if they could do this again and are excited to talk to him again.
I am so glad to be in contact with his family.

I have been encouraged to learn that my blog is coming up on google searches for Ethiopian Adoption info. In fact, my packing list has been declared the best there is. Our agency is even using it to pass out to families traveling. :) That is good confirmation for me. I had such a hard time finding anything when we needed it I thought, I will do what I can to have the resources out there for others. I am so glad it is being found and used and apprecitated.

Spring is here!-updated with a video clip

Well the snow is melting rapidly!!! The pond is full and the frogs are croaking. Today I re-dug ditches on the driveway for the melting snow to run off instead of make lots of mud. Fun fun fun. Actually I really do enjoy the physical work. I have more leveling to do once the snow on top is mostly gone. It is the best time to work that clay soil.
This afternoon the kids all went out to play after school and got into the pond. They floated around on an inner tube pushing them selves around with some ski poles. It looked like a lot of fun. Mud boots are a necessity around here. When I called them in for dinner they all needed showers before they could come in the house they were soooooo muddy. So, we had a late dinner. Sign of warmer weather. Our family "lives" outside when ever it is warm and we end up eating dinner around 7 because even mommy is so distracted by the lovely out of doors that she forgets to make dinner. :)

I was thinking about all the signs of happy childhood around our house. Upstairs there is a mess around the Barbie house all the time, cardboard food and clay dishes, tissue box beds and fabric scrap linens. What creative fun. Downstairs there are art things out all the time and blocks and cars. I find rocks and sticks everywhere. Outside there are bikes and scooters all over the place. Trucks and shovels in the sandbox. Right now there are mud boots and crocks everywhere. Dirt in the laundry room and a wash going most of the time. Windows open and doors banging with the coming and going of children. Laughter and joyful discovery at every turn. I remember my happy childhood with similar things. I am blessed to have four very happy children. And I love watching them play together.

Happy Spring! Summer is coming! I can not wait!

snow

Well we just had a BIG spring snow storm. WOW! Olivia and I enjoyed a beautiful day at the zoo with her class Thursday. By the time we got back to school it was spitting snow and rain already. It was foggy and snowing when we got home. The "snow" at first was just this pellet stuff. Like the polymer beads in stuffed toys but like styrofoam. Weird. Then it really just dumped all night. Friday we had a lull and then more snow and all night. No school on Friday. The kids did get in some sledding! It snowed all day Sat. except for one hour in the afternoon. More outside time. Much of the night as well. Today we looked it over. We had a 3.5 foot drift in front of the garage and the trucks were completely drifted in and under. We had several other large drifts in various places as well. Mostly I think we got about 2. 5 feet if it just fell and did not melt with compaction so fast. Of course the wind picked up yesterday and that drifted and blew away some into other places. It is really pretty. Today it was hot. We were snowed in and could not get out in time for chruch. We spent about 3-4 hours doing snow removal. That is with two of us and a snow blower. The kids sledded and our neighbor boys came over to sled saying we have the best lot for it with the hills. :) The more the merrier. I think they had fun. The snow has melted so much today that when I just let Jigs out a few minuites ago there is only about a foot left in places and less in others. WOW! It will all be gone by Tuesday I bet. Yesterday Dave worked on trim in the house and fell on the steps outside and hurt his back. He is hurting today and lying low. Our friends could not come today due to illness and our snow problem. They will hopefully come next week. Anyway, we are glad for the BIG drink for the plants and trees and grass. Hoping for a green spring and summer. Weather forcasts say rain next weekend. Let's hope for it!

snapfish share?

Ok,
That did not work too well. Let's try it again. I just tried it and it works ONLY if you highlight, copy and paste into the browser at the top of your screen page. Do it in a new tab or window if you want to keep this one open. :) These are photos of our trips to Jubilee this winter.

http://www1.snapfish.com/thumbnailshare/AlbumID=346032012/a=99075620_99075620/otsc=SHR/otsi=SALBlink/COBRAND_NAME=snapfish

Easter photos Snapfish trial

I am trying out a new way to share photos from my snapfish file. It is free and you can order photos right off it if you want to. This is of Easter. Try the cut and paste of this to see the photos.

http://www1.snapfish.com/thumbnailshare/AlbumID=346036012/a=99075620_99075620/otsc=SHR/otsi=SALBlink/COBRAND_NAME=snapfish

Valentines Day 2009