taking a look at your expectations

If you are considering adopting or are newly home with your child(ren) ---Please read this article on expectations.  It is really helpful.

Taking a New Look at Your Expectations

Posted: 27 Mar 2014 11:40 PM PDT

As adoptive and foster parents encounter challenges and struggles, many of them discover that much of their frustration and disappointment is rooted in their own unrealistic expectations.

Watch as Michael Monroe provides insight into the importance of realistic expectations and how by holding their expectations loosely, parents can actually begin to make progress toward greater healing and connection.

For more resources about motivations and expectations, click here.

This article is linked to and is from Empowered To Connect
You can subscribe at this link as well.

get your child's Certificate of Citizenship

FIRST go read the story on this blog.Grasping at the Wind. Story about a failed vacation due to improper citizen documentation claim by the vacation company.  http://graspingwind.blogspot.com/2013/10/bon-voyage.html?spref=tw

THEN you can read my comments on it below. Won't make any sense if you don't read their post first.


I would like to say that considering the number of internationally adopted kids, every company that could possibly have a citizen requirement should have the stipulations spelled out clearly. Very clearly. There is no excuse for this having occurred. 1. the company should have had the information in all their documents for all clients prior to boarding. 2. they should have some provision for the family since the company is the one who had failed to communicate what documents were needed. 3. a refund guarantee should have been offered immediately. 4. I do commend the company for being careful as it could sway child kidnapping and abuse, but this was pretty clearly not that situation. They may have to abide by Interpol as they are going through non US waters. Interpol is very stringent on this sort of thing, even with biological kids.

With that in mind, what most adoptive parents don't know is that very little will prove the citizenship of a child. While the adoption does make your child a citizen the documents to prove that vary greatly and it is the whim of the organization what proof they will accept as there is no national standard enforced. Your child comes in with a particular visa that makes them a citizen in conjunction with a state validation of foreign adoption (also called other things). This makes them a citizen and the green card they got should show that but not everyone takes that. So, you go with this info and get a passport (or passport card) for your child, that is good. It needs renewed and by the time you have renewed it every few years until your child reaches adulthood you have spent nearly as much as a COC would have cost and you now have to trust that your child will be responsible with his or her documents and renew the passport every few years. Good but not good enough in my opinion. Many kids now come in and automatically get a Certificate of Citizenship, that is awesome.  I would encourage all parents to go to the furthest extent in order to have the documents to prove their child's citizenship. That would be the Certificate of Citizenship. While not required it is the ONLY document universally accepted as proof. A terrible way to make money off adoptive parents who have already put out a lot of money. Yep. But worth it in the end if you don't come home with the visa that gives you one automatically.

Here is what the family had (and my experience with why that was not enough, but should have been):

• An original, embossed birth certificate issued by State Vital Records. (this is a Certificate of Foreign Birth in most counties and states. It is often considered a mere formality and in some cases is taken and in others it is declared a "souvenir document" and rejected, it is NOT proof of citizenship in any case. A Certificate of Foreign Birth is not really a Birth Certificate and thus your child will never have an actual Birth Certificate, as sad as that is.)
• His current Ethiopian passport with entry Visa (Child Citizenship Act of 2000 allows an adopted child’s foreign passport with US entry stamp as proof of US citizenship). (while this DOES indicate and proclaim citizenship, there is not a law binding on any entity to accept this as proof, even though it is. It is understandable that this would need to be accompanied by another document such as the adoption certificate in order to differentiate the child as a citizen by adoption rather than a child on a different form of visa. Many would not be able to distinguish between the variations of visa's allowed and what reasons they are given for. The employee would need trained on this to accept it. Which was obviously not the case.)
• High resolution scan of his USCIS (green card) on phone. They didn't take the original because it wasn't listed as a required document .  (the green card gives permission to enter and live in the US -in this case permanently, not always the case- it does not prove or grant Citizenship for all organizations rules, however it is supposed to do the same as a COC in this instance, especially when combined with all the other info they had available. I have to say that I would have taken this with as a precaution as it is a rather important document proving the right to be in the USA and leaving our shores is risky business without it. A copy or scan of this is just not going to cut it. If they had had it that would have worked. Too bad they did not think of it and the company did not mention it.)
• High res scan of his social security card and adoption decree; also offered to fax / email / overnight.  (the social security card does not prove citizenship ever, you can get one with a green card for work. The adoption decree from a Validation or Readopt does guarantee citizenship, however it is not used as proof in any setting that I am familiar with, why I don't know, it is silly.)

The Dark Matter of Love

The Dark Matter of Love

A movie you can download and watch regarding adoption and the tricky issue of love.
I am intrigued by this and am interested to see what it says. Maybe you would like to do so as well.

Here is the post from Rainbow Kids:

  The Dark Matter of Love

Heard about it yet? This documentary is making waves in the adoption community. Watch a trailer, download the movie, and read an interesting commentary on Huff Post. I'll be watching as well.

word cards for communication with verbal children

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B-obhHD6VxLWYjNwZkt3czByV0U/edit

This is the link to the word cards that we used in ET to communicate with our sons. They have a picture on them and the English words. I suggest laminating them and then when you get there ask for the phrase or word in your child's native language. It gives you a way to communicate. I put these on a lanyard and wore them to use when communicating important things like: use the bathroom, go to sleep, are you hungry, what do you want, give a hug, etc.
This was really helpful and I would suggest some sort of communication tool for those adopting children over 18 months. This worked with 3 year olds.

Our most important words:
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B-obhHD6VxLWOFlJMHlPMWNqVnM/edit

Words and phrases:
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B-obhHD6VxLWcnZmMnNGNHBJbDA/edit

Want to know something about the 147 million orphans needing homes?

If you are just starting out on the road of international adoption I HIGHLY recommend reading this article by a fellow adoptive mama and blogger. This is going to give you a very realistic idea of who is adoptable, who is waiting and needing a family and some of what parenting that child could potentially entail.

teach your kids how to be "safe kids"

http://www.parentingsafekids.com/

I want to make known a great resource for parents and kids and teachers. Parenting Safe Kids . com is a great resources site. We all want to keep our kids safe. Some of our kids have experienced prior abuse, which statistically sets them up for further abuse. This is not ok with us as parents.  I want to encourage you to take a look at this site and see what great resources there are for talking to your kids about abuse and abuse prevention. The site also provides resources and training to:

• build self-esteem
  
• teach communication skills
  
• teach respectful discipline for parents
  
• teach socialization skills to children with and without disabilities
  
• teach, sexual abuse prevention skills to children and teens with and without disabilities, their parents and teachers.
  
• train adults to talk to the children in their lives about preventing abuse in an age and developmentally-appropriate way

Subconscious Memory and annual acting out

If you watch your child closely regarding the cycle of the year, you will likely notice that your child has certain mood swings that are associated with certain months, maybe a particular week or set of days or even a certain day. Whether you mention it or not your child has a subconscious memory of some very significant things. Abandonment, arrival at the orphanage, they day you came to get them. These are all traumatic experiences. There may be other events which trigger reactions that come out of "nowhere".  No, your child is most likely not going to remember, be able to identify what has triggered this behavior, or know anything about what happened. It is long gone from his or her conscious memory. It does not really matter what age your child was adopted at. Infant, toddler, preschooler, older child (who will likely remember but still not know why the behavior), all kids have had at least these three traumas, and it will come up in some way at some time. Some kids are more easily upset or act out regularly at these times. Some kids only have these issues when something else triggers at the same time of year. Say your child came home in August. School starts in August. So, that is hard on two fronts, but you can easily attribute certain behaviors to the change they made when they joined your family. It is exacerbated by school starting. The month your child was abandoned may have no other major change in it or regular stressor. It could go by with minor behaviors. But, one year Mom and Dad go on a weekend trip together that same month, and you have done it before but a different month, your child freaks out more than you expected. Abandonment triggered. Not that you are doing anything wrong or unusual, just a trigger, and yet, not JUST.

So, what are you looking for? Well that is as unique as your child. It could be that your child is more needy, attention grabbing, snugly, rejecting of you or others. You could notice an increase of nervous activity, fear, bed-wetting, bad dreams, acting out at school, bossy or controlling behavior, or melt downs and tantrums.

What to do? Extra attention and reassurance is the best place to start. However, before we realize what it is, we are most likely to come down on them for this "sudden" bad or annoying behavior. Just the opposite of what they need. In some cases it works to actually sit down, have a little chat about your child's early life. Read his or her life book together, talk about feelings. Use a feelings picture page to allow him or her to share feelings. Other times they just need extra reassurance that you are there for them, never leaving, safe, secure, etc.

This time of year is probably something you should discreetly mark in your calendar or alerts, just to give yourself the clue to be a bit more gentle than usual. Remember that the seemingly sudden disruption from your child actually means something and they need something from you. As they grow older, they need to know what it is, where it comes from and what to do about it.

What is it? Sometimes called a body memory, sometimes called simply subconscious memory of a traumatic event.

Where does it come from? Those feelings of being left, ...........of being overwhelmed with all the kids, will my needs be met? I must care for myself and trust no one, etc..... Who are these people, can I trust them? Here we go with another change, will I be ok? Do i have to take care of myself here too? Can I feel is it ok? Fear, uncertainty, rejection, etc.

What to do about it? Tell yourself the truth. That was hard, it was sad, it made me feel............. This happened to me, it was real, it was not ideal..................... When my parents came I was afraid, I had all these feelings. That is ok, it is normal. My parents love me. I did not have to take care of myself anymore. I am safe.  I have a family who loves me and cares about me and what I do and think and feel. It turned out good. In the article linked to in Subconscious memory it tells about the benefit of telling the story and putting it into conscious memory so that it can be reformatted and dealt with. The theory is that it can then be put into perspective and the person can deal with it in a healthy way.

Recognizing this as real validates the experience of the child and helps them to grow beyond it and from it and become a person who can function in the today.

_______________________________
Facial expressions charts:
smilies

feelings chart
feeling chart and wheel
the two above are very useful for checking in to see how your child is at more volatile times.
_______________________________




A disclaimer.
I post a lot of links. I do so because I feel that the particular page has good information and much to offer. I do not necessarily support all that each site has to say. I trust you to sift the links for information you feel is worthwhile to you.

Myth regarding Ethiopian children and RAD

I recently answered a question regarding the myth populated by who knows who regarding Ethiopian children and RAD and attachment difficulty. Basically, I hear this a lot from lots of people: "Ethiopians love their kids so they don't have RAD or attachment problems". This is a myth. This is my response to the question asking if this is true.

Good to be thinking this through before you take the plunge. It is true that children who come to their families through adoption generally have some significant challenges. Each country has it's unique characteristics. While there are similarities in the struggles children coming from the same country have, there are always those who do not fill that same pattern. There are generalized ideas out there about different parts of the world and their orphan care and the subsequent issues the child is likely to face when in their forever home. You are likely well aware of these ideas.
The fact is that children everywhere struggle with attachment and can indeed have RAD. The way they struggle may look different. A child from Russia may have been deprived of physical contact and suffer from being easily over stimulated, among other issues and situations. A child from Ethiopia may have been carried on their mother from day one to the time they are orphaned or able to walk around. That same child may suffer malnutrition, may have seen violence or experienced it. That child may have been required to work at a very young age. He may have been shuffled around to various relatives and neighbors where who knows what happened to him. Many things that are cultural norms. These things have their own disadvantages and present their own unique and equally upsetting challenges when the child comes to their forever home in the Western world, a major cultural norm shift. An orphanage is no place for a child, no matter where it is there are negative effects from being in one. Even if the child we adopt was loved (and treated well by western standards) by his birth-mother there is a break. Trauma of death or relinquishment, trauma of the orphanage (even if it is a "good" one), trauma of being adopted (yes that is a trauma -separated from family of origin permanently, from culture, language, familiar everything). The younger the child the less trauma, the older the child the greater the possibility is that they have suffered additional traumas. Contrary to popular opinion Ethiopia has it's fair share of abuse and trauma to a child. Poverty is a catalyst for a lot of hard things including abuse. The thing about it is that they value children and family, so we get thrown off here by westernizing those values. Standards of what is acceptable are different than what we would feel appropriate here. Each time a child is hurt it breaks their cycle of trust and the more you experience the more you shut down, the harder it is to give and receive love. Yes, it happens, even in Ethiopia.
There is a yahoo group dedicated to parents of adopted Ethiopian kids who have RAD. It is not a small group and they are not all older adoptees. It is good to be aware of this but it is not really a reason to run away. Rather it is a good reason to learn all you can and prepare to parent a hurt child. If you have already adopted you are likely quite familiar with all the attachment parenting and related ideas and maybe everything I have said here. I would say, just be an aware parent. No matter where you child is born he or she has suffered trauma of one sort or another. Your child needs to have her circle of attachment mended. You are her catalyst to healing. No matter where she is from she will grieve; be angry; be confused; reject; regress;  need loads and loads of reassurance and love, nurturing love and stick with it love, from you. If you are ready for this you will do the best you can, and we can only hope the child will too.
If you are interested in stats and papers on abuse in Ethiopia you can check out an earlier post on this with links to papers, journals and stats on this issue.

The Connected Child

This weekend we attended the Empowered to Connect conference in Denver. It was wonderful. We are big fans of the book, The Connected Child by Dr. Karen Purvis. 

We have found many of the ideas in here very useful for all of our kids. I am going to give some personal advice on here. I do not usually do that, I tend to favor giving you tons of information and letting you decide what to do with it. However, with this one..... I think every adoptive family needs this book. I feel that if you have kids in your home you should read this book and implement it with the kids you have before you add new children to the home. Then it is all in place for your kids who are on their way to your family, and you are all practiced up and your kids now won't be asking you why you are doing it different with  the new siblings. I do not think this is strictly a parenting technique for adopted kids but rather what all kids can benefit by. I love this book it is really great. It works for us and we have the diverse kids over here, ha, don't we all!

This book talks about the basic connection your child needs and why it is broken and how to fix it. It gives you ways to implement basic and really important things like: obey the first time, be respectful, no hurts, calm and gentle actions and voice, asking for what you need, etc.

Did you know that your child will mirror the type of attachment style you have? If you have a secure attachment style this will come easier for them, if you have an insecure attachment style then they too will exhibit this type of attachment. How do you know what your style is? Some self examination is in order to find out your attachment style. It is probable that in all your training you have actually had some sort of "ah-ha" moment regarding your own attachment style, grief process and well, all sorts of connections to your child hood events and why you do what you do now. If not, maybe it is time. Dr. Purvis encourages parents to seek out their own story and embrace it and grow from it. She said over and over if you as the parent have not done significant healing of your own you will not be able to lead your child to healing. Here at our house, we can attest to this as truth. Never fear, now is not too late. As you change and grow so will your child. Healing begets healing.

You can also access this information in video clips on Empowered To Connect.
You can buy the videos from TCU.

I strongly suggest that you make this the top priority in reading and implementing BEFORE you bring your child home. And, if you did not do it before, well get it now and start doing this. It is a wonderful tool.

What about Disruption?

With the number of kids coming home from Ethiopia, an older kids at that..... the number of disruptions and the fact that it does happen more often than expected, is seeping out of hiding to take it's place in the reality of adoption from anywhere.
I want to share with you an inspirational story of a family who adopted a child from a disruption. No, not from Ethiopia, but I could find stories on that too. (maybe another post). I found this to be a great story, not hiding the hard, but a good story of truth and hardship. Check out Wanted.

I also thought I would mention that the Adoption Exchange and Rainbow Kids and Colorado Coalition of Adoptive Families (also look at the resources tab for COCAF) have a lot of resource. If you have a kid who has come from hard places and you are struggling and so is your child, check out these resources.

Of late I have notice a lot of posts on various sites on this topic and helps offered from those who have dealt with it. Some of those suggestions have included: respite care; therepy for grief, trauma, abuse, abandonment, RAD, etc; neurofeedback; residential treatment/care; residential situations where the child is out of the home at a school that can deal with the child's special needs and home on weekends. Just some ideas to put out there. I actually know of families who have done each of these things and some multiple.

A note for parents starting the adoption process. 
I would highly and strongly suggest that you get in writing the policy of your selected adoption agency (or make it part of your inquiry before deciding) for potential disruptions. Not that any of us plan on this or expect it, but what if. You want to know your agency has a contingency plan, is able to provide help with hard cases, can make a re placement for the child if needed or offer resources for help, therapy, etc, and offer resources for respite care while you re group. Your home-study agency should also have resources for helping you with post placement issues as well as possible disruption. Be sure to ask. If your adoption agency or home-study agency does not or can not do this, then you can make your own plan, gather the resources available in your area. This is your circle to which you can turn in case of severe trauma, abuse, RAD. You can get all the help you can before deciding to disrupt, to hopefully prevent it. Of course it does happen, and you need to have the right resources in place. This is really important.

FREE Download what to expect the first year home with your child

I wanted to share with you an AWESOME reference. This is one of the coolest things I have seen available FREE for adoptive parents. Having been that parent asking all the questions the first year home and doing all the research, I see this as one of the most valuable tools a parent could put in their toolbox. Go download this at EMK right away and use it, or give it to a family who is in their first year or still waiting for their anticipated child. This is a great resource. Realistic Expectations the First Year Home by EMK press.

From the topics included you can see that this is a well thought out and highly helpful 50 pages. This is only a few of the topics, go to the link to see all of them and download.


Strategies for Building Attachment 
by Karleen Gribble, BRurSc, PhD,

Top Ten Tips for Successful First Year Parenting
by Deborah Gray, MSW, MPA

Why Grandma Can’t Pick Up the Baby
by Sheena Macrae and Karleen Gribble

Alone No More...Recognizing Post Adoption Depression
by Heatherly Bucher

Adding The Oldest
by Terra Trevor

Unexpected Special Needs
by Nancy Hemenway

Positive Outcome:
How Can You Combat the Effects of an Orphanage
By Mary Beth Williams, PhD, LCSW, CTS

The Impact of Trauma on the Adopted Child and Ten Keys to Healing 
Trauma in the Adopted Child
by B. Bryan Post

How to Find a Therapist Experienced in Attachment and/or Trauma
by the Attachment Disorder Network

Sensory Integration And the Internationally Adopted Child
By Barbara Elleman, MHS, OTR/L, BCP

Help Your Child Ward Off a Mad Attack
by Lynne Namke, EdD


Strategies to Deal with Anger and Power Struggles
by Christopher J. Alexander, PhD

Ethica post on US Department of State Meeting - Ethiopia Adoption: Solutions into Action

This article is re-posted with permission from Ethica. This is an awesome site for information regarding adoption ethics. There are pages for all countries engaging in international adoption. Check them out at Ethica. 

Ethica’s notes from U.S. Department of State meeting – Ethiopia Adoption: Solutions into Action

January 28, 2011

On Monday, January 24, 2011, the U.S. Department of State (DOS) hosted a meeting for stakeholders in Ethiopian adoption. Ethica will post the official DOS minutes as they are available.
Ethica was present at the meeting. The following are Ethica’s notes from that meeting.
Ethiopia Adoption: Solutions into Action – January 24, 2011
Overview:
*Adoptions are mostly from two regions of the country.
*80% of the adoption cases are relinquishment cases, majority relinquished by one birthparent.  Most have siblings.  In the earlier phase of adoptions from Ethiopia, the youngest children in a family were relinquished; increasingly it is the middle and older siblings in a family.
*40% of the children involved are under the age of two; 25% are between 2-4 years old, and 35% are over the age of 4.
*90% of the cases handled by the U.S. Embassy call for further investigation for clarification of facts.  The kinds of abuses they are seeing relate to misrepresentation of facts and concealment of facts in hopes of making the process going more quickly, including a false perception that if there is no birthparent reported that the case will move more quifathersckly (so will say that they are uncles, for instance).  The problems in Ethiopia begin at the local level long before the children reach Addis.
*There are 22 licensed US ASPs (Adoption Service Providers) in Ethiopia, but over 70 who operate there.  There is a lot of umbrella-ing.
*The top 10 ASPs account for 67% of all adoptions from Ethiopia.
Vulnerabilities:
*There is no central mechanism for referrals for children.
*There are three different parts of the Ethiopian government that have jurisdiction over adoptions:  Ministry of Justice (MOJ), Ministry of Women’s Affairs (MOWA), and Charities and Societies, which registers NGOs and ASPs
*MOJ evaluated 200 orphanages; recently indicated that they were planning on closing 50 of them due to malfeasance
*MOWA has an office of 5 people to review all adoption cases; the process requires two reviews of adoption cases.
*ASPs choose orphanages to work with, orphanages choose ASPs; there is neither transparency nor regulation in this process
*Irregularities are found after the adoption is finalized and the child is legally the child of American parents.
*Expediting the process means that there is not enough time for due diligence
*There is no standardization of fees, no standard fee structure
*Lack of monitoring at the local level
*At one point, it seemed that there was some movement toward Ethiopia becoming a Hague Convention country, but it does not appear to be on the agenda now.
Investigation of children’s backgrounds:
ASPs are inconsistent in their due diligence in investigating children’s backgrounds.  In one example, a 6-year old child was found abandoned at a bus station and kept in an orphanage for 1.5 years.  The first time the child was asked about his biological parents was during his visa interview at the Embassy, and he told the officials the name and address of his biological parents.  This information could have easily been procured prior to this point.
Some adoption agencies do more due diligence than others, with social workers and investigators operating in the best interests of the child.  Some ASPs create lifebooks as an investigative tool so they have more information on the child prior to court.  The life book includes video interviews of the parents, neighbors and others involved in the case, and they document evidence of the child’s background, how s/he came into care, and provide timelines.  Other agencies are passing along paperwork that the agency has failed to look at themselves which show discrepancies, missing information and clerical errors; one example provided was a document that stated in one place that “father unknown” and in another place, “tried to call father; no answer.”
The Transparency Survey administered by Ethica can provide some information into the different practices of agencies (found here).
The US government is increasing scrutiny and increasing field investigations based on fraud markers they’ve observed.  They continue to collect detailed tracking information on all cases to detect patterns.
Hague accredited agencies are not necessarily operating in a transparent and ethical manner, either.  Most agencies are not investigating kids’ histories across the board, Hague accredited or not.
Part of the problem is umbrella-ing.  It is necessary to examine the connections between all organizations and determine whether those relationships are appropriate.  They want to become more rigorous in their investigations.  It was also suggested that reputable agencies will broadcast clearly the problems that are happening in Ethiopian adoptions. We encourage families to register their complaints with COA about problem agencies if those agencies are Hague-accredited.
Current situation in Ethiopia:
*As the number of children coming out of Ethiopia increase, there are increasing concerns about their well-being, particularly in a country that lacks the infrastructure necessary to support the numbers.  There are increasing attachment issues in children coming from Ethiopia.
*There is a dichotomy in agency practices:  on one end of the spectrum, agencies that go into the village, interview leaders in the village, families.  On the other end of the spectrum, child is not asked about their circumstances and paperwork is suspicious.  There are significant concerns about how children come into care.  There are also concerns in the fact that the children now stay in the government orphanage before coming to transition homes.
*There are significant development projects in Ethiopia as a result of adoption agency involvement that affect far more than the children who are adopted.
*Adoptive parents’ entitlement are one of the most damaging issues in Ethiopian adoption.  There have been reports of parents hitting their children, yelling at their children.  This is extremely harmful to newly adopted children and has serious consequences for the future of the program.  This is why APs are now required to stay in guest houses.  There needs to be a real change in the way parents behave in country.
Speed of the process: 
*From the USG perspective, it is fairly expeditious.  If the agency provides appropriate and reliable paperwork, and the Embassy knows that the agency did its due diligence, they can act more quickly.  The delays are often on the Ethiopian side, especially because of the limited resources of MOWA and MOJ.
*One big issue is that the USG is often seen as the “bad guy” when they have to disclose to the AP that the child being referred has two living parents who want to parent.  This is not the fault of the Embassy.
“The way forward” panel
*PL 109-95 mandates a consistent, coordinated, effective approach to helping orphaned and vulnerable children (OVC).  It includes 7 US government agencies and PEPFAR.  One can find all of the USG projects to address OVC here (this is mandated by PL 109-95).
*There are significant concerns about coercion, paperwork irregularities.  The increase in adoptions from Ethiopia did not coincide with an increase in family options, which is notable and concerning.
Take-home messages for adoptive parents:
1)  Agency selection is critical for prospective adoptive parents.  Select an agency that has a solid track record of investigating children’’ histories and knowing their facilitators and the situations in which children come into care.  PAPs should avoid agencies that umbrella and sign only with Hague-accredited agencies that are legally allowed to operate in Ethiopia.  It is highly advisable to join adoption agency research internet groups to fully vet one’s agency choice.
2)  Adoptive parents should seek out pre-adoptive education on child development and attachment.  They should check their attitudes when in-country, but more than that, realize that practices such as hitting, smacking, or yelling at children are extremely harmful for both the children themselves and the future of the program.
3)  When a Hague-accredited agency presents inconsistent paperwork or the adoptive parents have ethical concerns about their adoption in the process of completing their adoption,, PAPs and APs are strongly urged to report the behavior to the Department of State here.  If it is a non-accredited agency that behaves unethically, the Department of State would still like to hear about it; families can email askci@state.gov.  For questions about making a complaint, families can email Ethica at ethicainfo@gmail.com.
4)  It cannot be overstated that we urge adoptive parents to use only Hague accredited agencies and ask many questions about a referral once it is made about the circumstances surrounding the child’s history.  For more information or help determining whether an agency is Hague-accredited, contact us:  ethicainfo@gmail.com.

You can also check out the article on the same event from PEAR Parents for Ethical Adoption Reform

Ethical Adoption

Interested in Ethical adoption practices. Is your agency ethical? Is the country ethical in the way it is handling adoptions? If you are interested in learning more about ethics in adoption Ethica is the site for you. It is brimming with wonderful and insightful articles and has pages specific to different countries. See their page on Ethiopia here. I know right now there are a lot of questions about what is going on in Ethiopia, is my adoption "safe", is my agency safe? This is a great resource and I wanted to be sure to share it with you.

This site is current and up to date and will give you honest information you can count on. 

World Aids Day 2010

Today there is a focus on how AIDS has effected the world, what can be done to help and how severe is the situation. Many of us who have adopted children from Africa have had to face the AIDS epidemic first hand. Some of our kids are AIDS orphans, some are HIV +. Anti viral drugs are available and help those who can access them lead a relatively normal life. Education and awareness help prevent the spread. In Africa it is largely a heterosexual disease, directly effecting the nuclear family.

Here are two great resources that talk about the issues and what is being done.
SIM Hope for AIDS
SIM newsletter 
Tom Davis' Red Letters blog World AIDS day
Compassion International Many lies one truth
World Aids Day site . Want to learn more?

Go check it out. If you are moved to DO something, each of these has options for you.

Today I thank God my sons are alive and healthy. I think of their birth parents who died of AIDS. I pray for those who still have their birth parents and pray for wisdom in life choices for the men and women, protection for the women and children who don't get a choice.

Ten Questions for Parents Preparing to Adopt or Foster

Posted: 05 Oct 2010 07:40 AM PDT

This comes from Empowered to Connect (Karyn Purvis).
We (Empowered to Connect) are often asked what questions parents should consider as they make decisions and prepare to adopt or foster. Below is a list of ten questions that we believe will help parents better assess the journey that lies ahead. You can also download and print a pdf version of these questions.

Ten Questions for Parents Preparing to Adopt or Foster

We believe it is critically important that parents who are preparing to adopt or foster a child must be honest and realistic about the journey and the challenges that lie ahead. Just as Jesus in Luke 14 challenged those who would follow him to ‘count the cost,’ so too parents who respond to God’s call to adopt or foster must be willing to count the cost of the adoption journey and prepare to “lay down their lives” to love their child and help him or her become all that God intends.
The following questions are designed to help parents (and parents-to-be) begin to honestly assess the journey ahead…and what it will require. We encourage you to thoughtfully and prayerfully consider these questions. They are not meant to scare you or in any way discourage you from continuing on this amazing path. Instead, our desire is simply that these questions will point you toward the hope and help that you need to form a strong and lasting connection with your child as you faithfully follow God’s call in your life.

1. Are you willing to acknowledge and fully embrace your child’s history, including that which you know and that which you will likely never know?
2. Are you willing to accept that your child has been affected by his/her history, possibly in profound ways, and as a result that you will need to parent your child in a way that exhibits true compassion and promotes connection and healing?
3. Are you willing to parent differently than how you were parented, how you have parented in the past, or how your friends parent their children? Are you willing to “un-learn” certain parenting strategies and approaches that may not be effective with your child, even if you have used these strategies and approaches successfully with your other children in the past?
4. Are you willing to educate yourself, your parents, family and friends on an ongoing basis in order to promote understanding of your child’s needs and how best to meet those needs?
5. Are you willing to be misunderstood, criticized and even judged by others who do not understand your child’s history, the impacts of that history and how you have been called to love and connect with your child in order to help him/her heal and become all that God intends?
6. Are you prepared to advocate for your child’s needs, including at school, church, in extracurricular settings and otherwise, in order to create predictability and promote environments that enable your child to feel safe and allow him/her to succeed?
7. Are you willing to sacrifice your own convenience, expectations and desires in order to connect with your child and help him/her heal, even if that process is measured in years, not months?
8. Are you willing to fully embrace your child’s holistic needs, including his/her physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs?
9. Are you willing to seek ongoing support and maintain long-term connections with others who understand your journey and the challenges that you face? Are you willing to intentionally seek and accept help when you encounter challenges with your child that you are not equipped to adequately deal with?
10. Are you willing to acknowledge that you as a parent bring a great deal to the equation when it comes to how your child will attach and connect? Are you willing to honestly examine (on an ongoing basis) your motivations and expectations relating to your adoption journey? Are you willing to look at your own past (including your past losses and trauma, both big and small) and consider how your past may impact your interactions with your child? Are you willing to consistently examine your role as parent as you experience challenges and difficulties along the journey?

As you read through the above questions, you may have concluded that some of the questions didn’t apply to you and your situation? That may be the case to some extent, as every adoption and foster care experience is unique. However, we encourage you to spend some time reading and talking with other experienced adoptive and foster parents about what you should realistically expect as you travel this journey. We find that parents sometimes start with less than accurate assumptions about how the adoption or foster care journey will unfold, and as a result they are more likely to form unrealistic expectations. We believe that these questions are helpful and instructive for all parents considering or pursuing adoption and foster care, and we hope that as you work through them they will lead you toward greater insight and understanding.

Toddler/preschooler adoption boys and girls (and young boys specific challenges)

If you are interested in adopting older kids, that is older than infant, over 2 years of age..... well, you have likely learned that there are more boys than girls available for adoption in Ethiopia, in every age group, but the largest number are over the age of 3 or 4. When given the choice people often believe a girl will give them less grief and will bond faster. Is this true? Well, I don't really know, but I do know that adopting any child is a risk and you need to be educated before you dive right in, and certainly before your child comes home. I would like to share with you some of my thoughts on bringing boys into our home. If you have boys, well, you already know what to expect. I will say this one thing, any normal boy behavior that is exaggerated is a BIG HUGE sign of attachment and bonding issues as well as grief.  No, they are not just more active or wily or rowdy or whatever you call it, they are having issues with attachment. For those of you who have only girls right now and are considering adding a boy, this is a new ball game! WOW! I thought I was prepared. Wrong. For those of you  for whom this will be your first child. Well, a boy is a wonderful thing, you just have to harness all that wildness into tame and that is a lot of work. You will do just fine.

We adopted two preschool aged boys who were very close in age in 2008. Honestly, the whole process was very fast as they were waiting and older. 5 months sign with agency to home. We have two older daughters. At the time we adopted they were 9 and 10.

Some other posts that may be useful depending on where you are at:
Older child adoption post on blog   http://jkdcolorado.blogspot.com/2009/09/older-child-adoption.html
Artificial twinning post on  blog   http://jkdcolorado.blogspot.com/2010/03/like-twins-artificial-twinning.html

From my reading and experience these are some things you should consider, in my opinion:

Time for toddlers/preschoolers:
*I would highly recommend getting Love and Logic or some sort of action/consequence logic based parenting book/program and knowing it well. Because you have no history with these children, and they are older, and established in behavior, you will need to rely heavily on a parenting technique you choose and be consistent with it. They are coming from chaos and will need a high level of order and consistency and nurture.
*Are you willing and able to stay home with them for the first year they are home? This is critical for attachment and bonding that they have you as their only care giver for this time.
*Example of what we are doing: 6 months home then 1/2 day preschool for 3 mornings a week (BIG HUGE Mistake!!) should have waited until a year home. After a year home  3 mornings of 1/2 day prek a week was ok with Serious mommy time on days home and afternoons home, when we missed this they acted up. We will do 1/2 day kinder. They will not have an entire day away from me until first grade. Due to insecure attachment our younger son will home school prek a second year before going to kinder to solidify the relationship while our oldest son is able to handle 1/2 day kinder all week in the fall.
*At four or five and certainly if older,  it is likely that they have experienced the typical Ethiopian spankings. More like child abuse in my opinion. My boys have unnatural fears and reactions to any form of physical punishment due to this. Even a thump on the hand brings an out of proportion fear and even shaking. Once we realized this we were able to alter things greatly. Time in and thinking times and re-do's have been great. They have fostered trust and responsibility. 
* Boys need a lot of attention, or, rather supervision!

Attachment and Grief toddler/older:
You do not know and may never know the background of these children. If they have had a secure and healthy attachment to their birth mother through age 3 then they will likely have a healthy and secure attachment to transfer to you. You will have to earn it. This takes longer than with younger children. Once it is transferred you will enjoy a great relationship. We have one of these, it took about 1 year and is solid. If your child has only an insecure attachment/unhealthy or none at all, you will be starting from ground zero with this child. Not only will you have to earn them transferring their trust to you but you will have to teach them what a secure and healthy attachment looks like. This involves taking the child back through infancy steps of feeding, dressing and bottle, eye contact, high and intense nurture and dependence. We have one of these too. It is hard work, it is not fun and it is exhausting and sometimes downright discouraging. But, if you devote your all to it  you will succeed. We have come so far at a year and a half and expect that by 3 years we will have that secure and healthy attachment we are working toward with our son. And, he is NOT by any means a terrible child, not RAD (reactive attachment disorder), but he does not know what a healthy attachment is nor how to make one and he, at 3, had his way of living and not trusting down pat. The mind needs time to re form those malformed circuits and lots of re training. It is hard, but worth it. I have a bunch of stuff on attachment on the blog if you want to start there it will give you links and articles to start with. http://jkdcolorado.blogspot.com/p/attachment-and-bonding.html
*Four year olds are perceptive and can remember things that gave them joy and things that hurt them deeply, but they can not articulate it nor can they deal with it. They do not know it has effected them and you have to tell them what they are feeling and why and how to manage those feelings.  Example: our boys have opposite ways of showing they are feeling insecure. With our younger son, he gets really friendly and silly, seeking attention from others, he is also manipulative to control others. We had an out of town visitor. The boys met him once before. The first day he was here the boys were unruly and disobedient and wild. Normal boy behavior on the excessive side. I took them to preschool and told the teacher today may be bad. I picked them up and our youngest had sat in the thinking chair nearly the entire morning. I altered our time together back to the intense and deliberate first year stuff and they are fine now. They needed reassurance that it was all ok. They were great at school the next day.
* We use attachment terms with out boys on their level. This is how we do it: Strong boys can give and receive love, they give and get hugs and say I love you and receive I love you. Strong boys look right in the eyes when talking with someone. Strong boys tell the truth. Strong boys use their words to help not hurt. Strong boys use their hands/feet to help and not hurt. Strong boys are strong enough to obey. Strong boys control themselves not others. Etc.............If they show weak boy behaviors then they get to go practice strong boy behaviors. It works like a charm. They want nothing more than to be strong.

Behavior and Boys:
Do your reading on normal boy behavior. Basically what you will see with older/preschool/toddler boys is that attachment issues show up in exaggerated normal boy behavior. This makes it tricky to detect issues. It is important to detect and deal with it so that you do not have latent RAD come up when they hit age 9 or 10. Boys are a very different beast than girls. So, you will need to educate yourself on boy development up to age 4 or the supposed age of your child and a bit beyond, and know what is normal and not, etc... Go to play places and watch boys the age of your child to be. Tell parents there that you are adopting a 2-3-4-5-6 year old boy and in general they will answer any questions you may have and for the most part they will not spare you the dirty details of parenting a boy. Very helpful. If you attend a church you could volunteer for that age in the child care department for a few weeks. If you have girls only, it would be a really good idea to expose them to as many ill behaved boys of that age as possible before their brother(s) arrive. It is usually a big shocker for girls who have beforehand  had no brothers. Boys are full of wild energy and it CAN be directed and tamed. We have a book we love on raising boys. It is from a Christian perspective and I don't know where you fall with that so if it is not your cup of tea, just ignore this part. :) The book is called Wild Things. It is really great.

Preschooler boys (and somewhat girls):
*Preschoolers are moving OUT of the dependency and cuddly phase. You will have to force (playfully and gently :) this phase on them again with you as they need it for attachment. Their resistance to this may stem from a physiological rather than psychological stand point. So, be prepared for this and have your plan.
*The bond with dad comes naturally and needs to be tempered until the bond with mom is secure. That is hard for dads. The boys resist mom because they were hurt by mom leaving or dying and the female caregivers at the orphanage may not have helped out with a generous dose of nurture, not too nurturing really, and they did not stick around either. Preschool age makes this harder as they are physiologically ready to identify with dad and are done with the cuddle mom phase. It has to be repeated and dad must wait. This is HARD and worth it. The bond with dad will not suffer at all by doing this, but the bond with mom and therefore the child's lifetime of bonding ability will suffer if it is not done. Some mom's have told me that their biological boys are so loving....... that is great, still waiting for mine. I think we missed that stage by adopting them older. But, the do love mom and I can see that in the fact that they are thoughtful and that is wonderful. They learn and that is gratifying. They help and that is rewarding. I love my boys and you will love yours too.

Age of child:
If the referral is stating that these kids are 4, they may well be 5 or 6. If you are expecting a 7 year old, he could be 9. A two year old could be four, etc. Be sure you are willing to deal with that. After they have been home about 4 months you should be able to assess their ages with a few tools including the Ages and Stages questionnaire your pediatrician will have or you can find it on line. It is unlikely that they would be younger. At referral ours were said to be 2. We determined that they were actually almost 4 and just 3 when we picked them up. That is not terribly off. They are 8 months apart in age. The referral birth estimates and the birth dates on the adoption birth certificates were not even close to the same and we have altered them again at our validation. Your home study needs to say you can take children up to the age they may be because the court may change their age from the referral dates.

Boy competition:
Boys are competitive by nature. Two children the same gender will be even more competitive. This has been a difficulty for us and we have had to firmly and artificially establish a hierarchy based on age and implement things to secure that. We are also holding back the younger one in school because it would be disastrous to have them in the same grade.  You will need to consider what you are willing to do to help them each find their own identity apart from each other.  They are not naturally brothers, and have not had the advantage of getting to know each other from the birth of the younger one. All this has to be learned and it is not easy, it is retraining the brain.  In general the first few months you will have to deal with the male posturing and competing for alpha. It is crazy that you would have to deal with this at this young age but you DO, it is ridiculously real. The competition does not end there though. There is the vying for attention, the bigger item, the more something, the parents attention, etc.  Ok, my girls did all this but NOTHING like the boys. Testosterone is like steroids for all this normal kid behavior.

I am sure lots of you out there have boys and could add tons to this. Please feel free to do so in the comments!!!! The more information the better. If you have girls that would be a really helpful addition as this has a lot about boys and there are plenty of families looking for info on what a toddler/preschool age girl might be like.

Other resources on toddlers and preschoolers:

adopting a toddler
Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft  book
Toddler

adoption-attachment and infants (applicable to toddlers)
attachment check list by age 
http://www.ehow.com/toddler-adoption/

Third Culture Kids and children adopted internationally at an older age

The term Third Culture Kid was first used in the 1960's by a woman named Ruth Hill Useem, who pioneered research on this interesting phenomenon.  It is a term that refers to children who grow up in a culture other than their own, relate to neither and incorporate them or many in their own identity.  I first learned about this when my husband and I were in training for our stint overseas working with the youth of missionaries and other foreign workers.  Oddly enough my husband and I both found ourselves finally identified in this term, having lived so long feeling out of sorts with the culture around us we now had an understanding of why. I grew up in one place all my life. Unlike my peers, I was not exposed to much social media nor the main stream culture. I was exposed to good books, church, my private school and missionaries home on furlough. That could hardly make me a TCK. Come on now, really. But, somehow I was. I was such an anomaly in my public High School that others thought I was one of the foreign exchange students with whom I hung out, because I was more comfortable with them.  Strange, I know. But, other things can make you a TCK that are not on this list.  My husband grew up in a small town near where his mother grew up. Never lived overseas. His dad is an immigrant from a culture which is the antithesis of America. His parents met while his mom was a teacher and aid worker over seas. My husband grew up in a third culture right here in rural America, where he did not fit at all. He fit even less when he went to the city for college. There you have it, a different kind of TCK.  If you have adopted children internationally who are older, you know they actually experienced life and remember it and it has shaped them.......... you have a TCK on your hands and it might be a good idea to look into what that is and what they may be experiencing in life. Here are some resources for you.

 I found these things several places on line so thought I would include them here. Most of them refer to children growing up over seas. Such as a Caucasian American child growing up in Ethiopia. But, what about an Ethiopian child growing up in Caucasian America, maybe this is how they will feel when they are bigger.

You know you are a TCK if:

- “Where are you from?” has more than one reasonable answer.
- You’ve said that you’re from foreign country X, and (if you live in America) your audience has asked you which US state X is in.
- You flew before you could walk.
- You speak two languages, but can’t spell in either.
- You feel odd being in the ethnic majority.
- You have three passports.
- You have a passport but no driver’s license.
- You go into culture shock upon returning to your “home” country.- Your life story uses the phrase “Then we moved to…” three (or four, or five…) times.
- You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.
- You don’t know whether to write the date as day/month/year, month/day/year, or some variation thereof.
- The best word for something is the word you learned first, regardless of the language.
- You get confused because US money isn’t colour-coded.
- You think VISA is a document that’s stamped in your passport, not a plastic card you carry in your wallet.
- You own personal appliances with 3 types of plugs, know the difference between 110 and 220 volts, 50 and 60 cycle current, and realize that a trasnsformer isn’t always enough to make your appliances work.
- You fried a number of appliances during the learning process.
- You think the Pledge of Allegiance might possibly begin with “Four-score and seven years ago….”- Half of your phone calls are unintelligible to those around you.
- You believe vehemently that football is played with a round, spotted ball.
- You consider a city 500 miles away “very close.”
- You get homesick reading National Geographic.
- You cruise the Internet looking for fonts that can support foreign alphabets.
- You think in the metric system and Celsius.
- You may have learned to think in feet and miles as well, after a few years of living (and driving) in the US. (But not Fahrenheit. You will *never* learn to think in Fahrenheit).
- You haggle with the checkout clerk for a lower price.
- Your minor is a foreign language you already speak.- When asked a question in a certain language, you’ve absentmindedly respond in a different one.
- You miss the subtitles when you see the latest movie.
- You’ve gotten out of school because of monsoons, bomb threats, and/or popular demonstrations.
- You speak with authority on the subject of airline travel.
- You have frequent flyer accounts on multiple airlines.
- You constantly want to use said frequent flyer accounts to travel to new places.
- You know how to pack.
- You have the urge to move to a new country every couple of years.
- The thought of sending your (hypothetical) kids to public school scares you, while the thought of letting them fly alone doesn’t at all.
- You think that high school reunions are all but impossible.
- You have friends from 29 different countries.
- You sort your friends by continent.
- You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
- You realize what a small world it is, after all. 

What is the Origin of term "Third Culture Kid"?
Sociologist Ruth Hill Useem coined the term "Third Culture Kids" after spending a year on two separate occasions in India with her three children, in the early fifties. Initially they used the term "third culture" to refer to the process of learning how to relate to another culture;  in time they started to refer to children who accompany their parents into a different culture as "Third Culture Kids." Useem used the term "Third Culture Kids" because TCKs integrate aspects of their birth culture (the first culture) and the new culture (the second culture), creating a unique "third culture".
 

What are the different types of TCKs?

Military/ARMY BRATS

Military brats, primarily from the United States, are the most mobile of TCKs but generally spend only a few years abroad, and sometimes none at all. Approximately 41% of military brats spend less than 5 years in foreign countries. They are the least likely TCKs to develop connections with the locals. Because military bases aim for self-sufficiency, military brats tend to be exposed the least to the local culture. Also, because of the self-sufficiency of military bases and the distinctiveness of military culture, even those military brats who never lived abroad can be isolated to some degree from the civilian culture of their "home" country.

While parents of military brats had the lowest level of education of the five categories, approximately 36% of USA military brat TCK families have at least one parent with an advanced degree. This is significantly higher than the general population.

Non-military government

Nonmilitary government TCKs are the most likely to have extended experiences in foreign countries for extended periods. 44% have lived in at least four countries. 44% will also have spent at least 10 years outside of their passport country. Their involvement with locals and others from their passport country depends on the role of the parent. Some may grow up moving from country to country in the diplomatic corps  while others may live their lives near military bases.

Religious / Missionary Kids

Missionary Kids (MKs) typically spend the most time overseas in one country. 85% of MKs spend more than 10 years in foreign countries and 72% lived in only one foreign country. MKs generally have the most interaction with the local populace and the least interaction with people from their passport country. They are the most likely to integrate themselves into the local culture. 83% of missionary kids have at least one parent with an advanced degree.

Business kids

Business families also spend a great deal of time in foreign countries. 63% of business TCK's have lived in foreign countries at least 10 years but are more likely than MKs to live in multiple countries. Business TCKs will have a fairly high interaction with their host nationals and with others from their passport country.

Other

The "Other" category includes anybody who does not fit one the above descriptions. They include: intergovernmental agencies, educators, international non-governmental organizations, media, etc. This group typically has spent the least amount of time in foreign countries (42% are abroad for 1-2 years and 70% for less than 5.) Again their involvement with local people and culture can vary greatly.  The parents of "Others" are the most likely of TCKs to have parents with an advanced degree (89% of families have an advanced degree.)  

*My note: other can include international families and internationally adopted children.

What are the Characteristics of TCKs?

There are different characteristics that impact the typical Third Culture Kid:

• TCKs are 4 times as likely as non-TCKs to earn a bachelor's degree (81% vs 21%)
• 40% earn an advanced degree (as compared to 5% of the non-TCK population.)
• 45% of TCKs attended 3 universities before earning a degree.
• 44% earned undergraduate degree after the age of 22.
• Educators, medicine, professional positions, and self employment are the most common professions for TCKs.
• TCKs are unlikely to work for big business, government, or follow their parents' career choices. "One won't find many TCKs in large corporations. Nor are there many in government ... they have not followed in parental footsteps".
• 90% feel "out of sync" with their peers.
• 90% report feeling as if they understand other cultures/peoples better than the average American.
• 80% believe they can get along with anybody.
• Divorce rates among TCKs are lower than the general population, but they marry older (25+).
  • Military brats, however, tend to marry earlier.
• Linguistically adept (not as true for military ATCKs.)
  • A study whose subjects were all "career military brats"—those who had a parent in the military from birth through high school—shows that brats are linguistically adept.
• Teenage TCKs are more mature than non-TCKs, but ironically take longer to "grow up" in their 20s.
• More welcoming of others into their community.
• Lack a sense of "where home is" but often nationalistic.
• Some studies show a desire to "settle down" others a "restlessness to move".
• Depression and suicide are more prominent among TCK's.

 Want more information on Third Culture Kids? 

• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_culture_kid 
• http://www.tckid.com/what-is-a-tck.html
• http://www.state.gov/m/dghr/flo/c21995.htm
• http://3rdculturekids.blogspot.com/ 

• TCK World Official Home of Dr. Hill Useem's research, sociologist who coined the term "Third Culture Kid"  http://www.tckworld.com/tckdefine.html
• Third Culture Kids on ABC News An interview with Ruth Van Reken, Brice Royer, and Daniela Tudor from TCKID
• Global Families | Third Culture Kids Recent research and current resources

 A story to illustrate the point:
The Story of Mr. Roundhead 

Attachment signs to look for

So, you have your child home and you feel that things are going well, but you, being the educated on attachment adoptive parent you are, would like to know what signs to look for to test out if your child is attaching well or if there are issues that you could concentrate on. Good idea. Here are some ideas.

1. Nancy Thomas has a REALLY GREAT format in her book, Taming the Tiger While it is still a Kitten. It covers what is normal for each stage and things to look for. If for no other reason this is worth the buy. I have not found such a good overview anywhere else. I don't really know enough about any one therapy practice, so would not be recommending any certain program. But, I DO love this book and others by her and have found them useful with my kids. It is the best resource for this particular question that I have found.

Articles on line that address these questions and give good info regarding spotting attachment issues. None give you normal attachment behaviors. 


2. A4everfamily Attachment 101: A Primer for Parents, How attachment relationships impact brain development.  Healthy attachment signs  two pages here, follow the link.
3. Rainbow Kids list of attachment articles. Here are some of the titles. Good reading.

• Risk for Reactive Attachment Disorder in Adopted children.
• Insta-Attachment and Other Adoption Myths 
• Recognizing Attachment Problems in Internationally Adopted Preschoolers  
• Smoke Signals 

4. EMK Press: Subtle and not so subtle indications of attachment issues:  Please read their article for the full details. This is a good book to have too. Adoption Parenting: Creating a Tool Box, Building Connections by Jean MacLeod and Sheena Macrae, PhD :  You can not use these lists without reading the article. It just won't make sense, he expands on each list and explains why. Read it here:

Attachment Problems Subtle and Not-So-Subtle Signs By Arthur Becker-Weidman, PhD
 Excerpts from this article:
Not so subtle signs:
• Superficially engaging and charming behavior, phoniness
• Avoidance of eye contact
• Indiscriminate affection with strangers
• Lack of affection on parental terms
• Destructiveness to self, others, and material things
• Cruelty to animals
• Crazy lying (lying in the face of the obvious)
• Poor impulse control
• Learning lags
• Lack of cause/effect thinking
• Lack of conscience
• Abnormal eating patterns
• Poor peer relationships
• Preoccupation with fire and/or gore
• Persistent nonsense questions and chatter indicating a need to control
• Inappropriate clinginess and demanding behavior
• Abnormal speech patterns
• Inappropriate sexuality

Subtle signs of attachment issues:
• Sensitivity to rejection and to disruptions in the normally attuned connection between mother and child
• Avoiding comfort when the child’s feelings are hurt, although the child will turn to the parent for comfort
when physically hurt
• Difficulty discussing angry feelings or hurt feelings
• Over-valuing looks, appearances, and clothes
• Sleep disturbances. Not wanting to sleep alone
• Precocious independence
(a level of independence that is more frequently seen in
slightly older children)
• Reticence and anxiety about changes
• Picking at scabs and sores
• Secretiveness
• Difficulty tolerating correction or criticism>

GoodTherapy.org has the above article as well and some other listings. International Adoption Articles Directory also has this and more articles listed.  I like this part:
Excerpts from this article:


Older adopted children need time to make adjustments to their new surroundings.
Children who are adopted after birth, even only a few months old, are at risk for attachment problems.
Even infants adopted at birth can have attachment issues related to things experienced in the womb.

5. Rainbow Kids has an excellent article which highlights infant attachment issues.

Recognizing Attachment Problems in Internationally Adopted Preschoolers

Many adopted children do not exhibit obvious signs of attachment difficulties until they reach the age of three or four.

July 31, 2007/ Jessica Gerard

Often parents don't realize what they are dealing with. This article covers Recognizing attachment issues, symptoms of attachment issues and why the child may have attachment issues. Read it to get a fuller picture. Here is an excerpt:

BUT MY BABY BONDED RIGHT AWAY!

Internationally-adopted children are unattached when they first meet their new parents: after all, they are total strangers! The child initially regards the new parent as a yet another caregiver. Children who were already attached to a caregiver will be distressed at being handed over. They will grieve for days, weeks and even months, acting withdrawn and passive, or endlessly crying, or furiously angry. A child who shows no feelings of loss but is happy and smiling from the start may actually have significant attachment problems. A baby who clings desperately to the new mom, and shrieks when separated for a moment, is not instantly bonded, but terrified. It is a trauma bond necessary for survival. Most internationally-adopted children resolve their grief, and gradually and successfully bond with their new parents. Within a few days, the baby or toddler usually shows a preference for mom and dad, has good eye contact, and accepts caresses and comfort. Even unattached babies often learn to love within a few weeks and months, with the care and attention of a loving family. 

article specifically on infants and attachment

6. HelpGuide.org

This is a great article on attachment and the various types of attachment disorders and issues one may find themselves dealing with. It is a very informative article and well worth reading and studying. This site also has a list of more great links to articles on this topic.  

Attachment Disorders & Reactive Attachment Disorder

Symptoms, Treatment & Hope for Children with Insecure Attachment 

Excerpt: 

As children with reactive attachment disorder grow older, they often develop either an inhibited or a disinhibited pattern of symptoms:

• Inhibited symptoms of reactive attachment disorder. The child is extremely withdrawn, emotionally detached, and resistant to comforting. The child is aware of what’s going on around him or her—hypervigilant even—but doesn’t react or respond. He or she may push others away, ignore them, or even act out in aggression when others try to get close.
• Disinhibited symptoms of reactive attachment disorder. The child doesn’t seem to prefer his or her parents over other people, even strangers. The child seeks comfort and attention from virtually anyone, without distinction. He or she is extremely dependent, acts much younger than his or her age, and may appear chronically anxious.

7. Child attachment checklist Print off this attachment chart for children. 
Print off this checklist for infant attachment.
check list by age

8. Video on creating a secure attachment with your baby. Here.

9. 4everfamily has a GREAT SUPER WONDERFUL post on what a child with a healthy attachment will be like. Print this one off to use with your kids.  I wish I could print it here, but that would be copyright infringement now wouldn't it. So, go over there and check it out. It is superb!

10. Reactive Attachment Disorder  (There are tons, here are a few):
http://helpguide.org/mental/parenting_bonding_reactive_attachment_disorder.htm

http://www.radkid.org/what_is_it.html

http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/What_is_attachment_disorder.htm

More links for attachment sites:

Yahoo answers

Suite 101.com

Adoption Today magazine on line

A very good check list of how to tell if your child has a severe attachment issue: 

Attachment and Bonding Activities

Techniques to Increase Family Attachment
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory 

attachment check list by age

 

 

In response to the fear of adopting the older child --- what if's?

In response to the recent news flashes on Russian adoption..............
>
> I just want to say a few things from experience, research and experience of
friends and family. Please understand that I am not meaning to be graphic here,
but without understanding and education and tools for intervention - any of us
could become a statistic as well. I would not like to see that happen, so in the
effort to keep it realistic I am giving you some of my thoughts and findings on this.

1. First I want you all to know that I DO NOT FEEL THAT THERE IS ANY REASON TO FEAR adopting an older child. No, fear is not a good response. Understanding and education YES.

2. Yes, Eastern European children in institutions do tend to have more severe
issues, including RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). Children from these institutions are often lacking stimulation and touch. This is a problem for development and attachment. There are many other factors.

3. We know that the situations and environment in Ethiopia are not the same as in Eastern Europe. Even China is different. I bet Vietnam and Guatemala are different too. But different does not mean that Ethiopia (or anywhere) is immune from similar issues, including RAD. Children are held in Ethiopia and experience a rich palette of sensory stimulation, sensory issues do not seem to be as prevalent. They hear talking and are spoken to, delays here are not as prevalent. Children generally have a high value placed on them. The family structure is important. That does not mean that they are treated with the respect and love we would associate with that value here. It is not western, first world standards, it is southern hemisphere, third world standards. It is just different. Keep in mind the effort to just survive let alone thrive.

4. Physical and sexual abuse is certainly found in Ethiopia for both boys and girls. Sexual
activity with peers happens, as well as abusively with non peers. You might not hear about this, but it is part of the culture. That does not mean every child experiences this, it does not mean yours has or will. It just means, be aware that it is out there in case your child has been effected by this. Educate yourself to deal with it for your sake and theirs.

5.  I KNOW that the issues we face adopting from Ethiopia are different than those adopting from Eastern Europe and even China, etc..... But, we are not without our potential problems. RAD comes to us from every continent. Abuse (even once, even a little) changes everything for a child's trust. Things may arise after time, things you never knew, things that are sad or horrific. Sometimes they don't remember them, but they act on them. Not that they are going to hurt anyone (sometimes it does happens) but they are hurting inside. Most of the time we never know what our child has seen or experienced in life before they come to us.

6. You as a parent are doing the best job you can when you learn all you can
and expect that you will have a child who has experienced some level of trauma
and you learn how to walk with them through it to healing. If you learn about
it, you can spot it, deal with it and help your child be an over-comer and not
succumb to RAD or other attachment issues or behaviors. It does not have to ruin
your life -or theirs, but it will change you forever as it will your child and the rest of your household. Saying "this won't happen to me" is not going to help you or your child. Maybe you won't experience this, but it is better to plan like you will and have the resources and not need them, than to not plan and be caught empty handed with a serious need. Parenting this child is different than parenting a biological child. There are ample resources to learn from. Take advantage of them.

7. There are great resources out there. Read all you can. Get familiar with a variety of books and therapy options. Get your plan of attachment action in place before you go. Get your back-up in place. Get your network in place. No matter what level of trauma your child comes to you with you are going to need a plan to succeed. And succeed you can!

8. If you are of a mind to read more articles on abuse, Try some of these:
http://muse.jhu.edu/login?uri=/journals/northeast_african_studies/v008/8.1tadele\
.html
> http://gvnet.com/childprostitution/Ethiopia.htm
> http://www.crin.org/violence/search/closeup.asp?infoid=18107
> http://www.oakfnd.org/activities/2005/childabuseethiopia.php
> http://www.child-hood.com/index.php?id=703
> http://www.anppcan-eth.org.et/
>
9. If you want to learn about attachment:
look it up on Amazon here
Older child adoption
posts on attachment
book list
google it

More than anything be encouraged, be empowered, do not despair or worry.

If you share my faith you can be reassured that if God is calling you do this, he has made a way. He will give you the strength to do any hard thing he is setting before you and you will be changed and he will be glorified. Not, that it will be easy or without pain or hardship, but he can take you through it and he can heal your child. It is called a faith-walk of trust. Go forth without fear.