Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Birthdays...... a confession
You know how you feel when you are first married, it is sort of like playing house when you are a kid. Well, it was for me. The same thing happened when my first child was born. It was like playing dolls but she was real and she screamed and I could never put her away. In time both things became my normal life and I quickly felt like I was not playing pretend. In some ways birthdays for my adopted sons feel similar. I did not bear them, their birthday does not hold the same emotion for me as it does for my bio kids. For one of my son's we have enough info that I can make up what it may have been like, it bears some similarities to things I know. This is helpful for me, recreating a birth I was not part of. Making it real in my heart. Feeling the feelings of his birth mother and incorporating her love for our son into my own love for him. The other one is a totally made up birthday. It is unlikely that it is the day he was born, it is likely not anywhere close. No one will ever know. There is no significant information or knowledge to create a memory of early life. Suspicions, but even those bear no similarity to anything in my box of experience. This makes it harder to relate. But, it is the day we have chosen to celebrate his life. That is real. As real as the fact that he was born. Real as the love his birth mother must have had for him. Real as the love I certainly have for him. But when it comes around it just is not the same.............. Something I must fight to overcome in my own heart and mind. Something I must never let on to him or any of the other children. Something, I pray will be loosed to the winds of time by next year. I want to feel like it is real. For me, for him.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Learning about adoption from a child's perspective
This is a Public Opinion piece from the Huffington Post. I really like the perspective this article takes and it is a good encouragement for us as adoptive parents to look through the eyes of our children. Great thoughts here. Enjoy.
Sally Maslansky
Sally Maslanksy, MA, MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice.
Posted: April 20, 2010 08:50 AM
Learning About Adoption From a Child's Perspective
In their beautiful book Everyday Blessings, The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn suggest we could learn a great deal from trying to imagine the world from our child's point of view (p.384). To this end, I would like you to imagine what the world might look like from the point of view of a 6 or 7 year old orphan.
Imagine what the world looks and feels like to a child taken from his mother at the age of 1 or 2. Imagine that no one has really prepared him in any way for this transition and there is no one he knows there to help comfort him during this process. Imagine a little deeper if you can at the impact of any possible abuse, neglect and drug or alcohol exposure.
Now imagine this child being taken to an orphanage full of strangers. Imagine the repercussions of spending the next 4 or 5 years in that orphanage. Having worked in an Eastern European orphanage, I can assure you that it is not a place in any way that promotes loving growth and development.
Children in orphanages have few opportunities to grow and develop in a healthy way. They have little if any consistent one-on-one loving attention. They often do not even have their own beds much less bedtime stories and rituals such as being tucked in, bath time, bubble baths or rubber duckies. They don't grow up in a house with a kitchen to watch mom cook dinner, help set the table or share in the important ritual of family meal times. They rarely have their own set of clothes or shoes -- and certainly few if any that fit properly. No special stuffed animal, no blankie, no family photos or albums, no special books with their names in them. Children in orphanages do not have the attention, love and nurturing so vital to healthy development. And this is all under the best of circumstances. This is assuming there is no abuse. Neglect is the nature of growing up in an orphanage.
Now imagine that one day a complete stranger arrives at the orphanage. She speaks a language the child has never heard. She spends a week or two with the child and then takes him from the orphanage to a plane and they take a long journey to a strange place with nothing that looks, sounds, feels, tastes or smells familiar. And she begins calling him a name he has never heard before.
More than likely in the entire 7 years of this child's life, no one has attempted to help him make any sense of all that has happened to him. What is expected though is for him to be happy, well adjusted, loving, affectionate, well behaved and perhaps even a little grateful. No one anywhere seems to have any understanding what is really going on in his inner world, and no one is able to understand the feelings of sadness, despair, hopelessness, loneliness or anger he may have.
Now, switching gears slightly, imagine you are the woman arriving at the orphanage to adopt this child. Most likely no one has given you much if any of this child's relevant history. No one has educated you about how early childhood development can be severely compromised by the kind of neglect, deprivation and emotional upheaval in this child's life. No one has advised you on what may be necessary to understand the experience of this child or to prepare you to be the parent of this child. There are most likely no follow-ups on how the adoption is going, no post-adoption support, no community awareness of the difficulties that may arise, and certainly no consequences for adoption agencies and orphanages who have in any way misrepresented the physical or mental health of the child you have made this long journey to adopt.
I believe that the recent situation of a mom in Tennessee returning her adopted child to Russia is the result of a complete failure of the adoption process both in the US and abroad. A 7-year-old child allegedly threatening violence and drawing pictures of his house being engulfed in flames are the desperate actions of a child begging for help. A mom putting her 7 year old child on a plane, alone with no support or explanation, and having a stranger pick him up on the other end only to take him back to an orphanage is also, I believe, a very desperate act. If any thing positive can come of this recent tragic incident, let's hope it is to begin a global open, honest, informed and collaborative conversation about the meaning, process, reality, needs and expectations of adoption. Adoption is an amazing and rewarding way to have a family. It is how I started mine and nothing has brought me more joy and happiness. Adoption does take a great deal more than
love and the desire to parent a child. Adoption truly does take a village - and a well-informed, open minded, accessible, educated village to be sure.
Sally Maslansky
Sally Maslanksy, MA, MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice.
Posted: April 20, 2010 08:50 AM
Learning About Adoption From a Child's Perspective
In their beautiful book Everyday Blessings, The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn suggest we could learn a great deal from trying to imagine the world from our child's point of view (p.384). To this end, I would like you to imagine what the world might look like from the point of view of a 6 or 7 year old orphan.
Imagine what the world looks and feels like to a child taken from his mother at the age of 1 or 2. Imagine that no one has really prepared him in any way for this transition and there is no one he knows there to help comfort him during this process. Imagine a little deeper if you can at the impact of any possible abuse, neglect and drug or alcohol exposure.
Now imagine this child being taken to an orphanage full of strangers. Imagine the repercussions of spending the next 4 or 5 years in that orphanage. Having worked in an Eastern European orphanage, I can assure you that it is not a place in any way that promotes loving growth and development.
Children in orphanages have few opportunities to grow and develop in a healthy way. They have little if any consistent one-on-one loving attention. They often do not even have their own beds much less bedtime stories and rituals such as being tucked in, bath time, bubble baths or rubber duckies. They don't grow up in a house with a kitchen to watch mom cook dinner, help set the table or share in the important ritual of family meal times. They rarely have their own set of clothes or shoes -- and certainly few if any that fit properly. No special stuffed animal, no blankie, no family photos or albums, no special books with their names in them. Children in orphanages do not have the attention, love and nurturing so vital to healthy development. And this is all under the best of circumstances. This is assuming there is no abuse. Neglect is the nature of growing up in an orphanage.
Now imagine that one day a complete stranger arrives at the orphanage. She speaks a language the child has never heard. She spends a week or two with the child and then takes him from the orphanage to a plane and they take a long journey to a strange place with nothing that looks, sounds, feels, tastes or smells familiar. And she begins calling him a name he has never heard before.
More than likely in the entire 7 years of this child's life, no one has attempted to help him make any sense of all that has happened to him. What is expected though is for him to be happy, well adjusted, loving, affectionate, well behaved and perhaps even a little grateful. No one anywhere seems to have any understanding what is really going on in his inner world, and no one is able to understand the feelings of sadness, despair, hopelessness, loneliness or anger he may have.
Now, switching gears slightly, imagine you are the woman arriving at the orphanage to adopt this child. Most likely no one has given you much if any of this child's relevant history. No one has educated you about how early childhood development can be severely compromised by the kind of neglect, deprivation and emotional upheaval in this child's life. No one has advised you on what may be necessary to understand the experience of this child or to prepare you to be the parent of this child. There are most likely no follow-ups on how the adoption is going, no post-adoption support, no community awareness of the difficulties that may arise, and certainly no consequences for adoption agencies and orphanages who have in any way misrepresented the physical or mental health of the child you have made this long journey to adopt.
I believe that the recent situation of a mom in Tennessee returning her adopted child to Russia is the result of a complete failure of the adoption process both in the US and abroad. A 7-year-old child allegedly threatening violence and drawing pictures of his house being engulfed in flames are the desperate actions of a child begging for help. A mom putting her 7 year old child on a plane, alone with no support or explanation, and having a stranger pick him up on the other end only to take him back to an orphanage is also, I believe, a very desperate act. If any thing positive can come of this recent tragic incident, let's hope it is to begin a global open, honest, informed and collaborative conversation about the meaning, process, reality, needs and expectations of adoption. Adoption is an amazing and rewarding way to have a family. It is how I started mine and nothing has brought me more joy and happiness. Adoption does take a great deal more than
love and the desire to parent a child. Adoption truly does take a village - and a well-informed, open minded, accessible, educated village to be sure.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Salad Bowl of America
The Beauty of Diversity
by Chief MSgt. Ret. Bob Vasquez
When most people think of October they think of Fall and Halloween. They are forgetting something very important about this month: Hispanic Heritage. The following article was written by my father who teaches Character at the Air Force Academy. Take a moment to read and enjoy the diversity that surrounds us every day. - Elyse White
Every year around this time I'm approached by people with the same question. "Hey, Chief," they say, "why do we have to have Hispanic Heritage Month? Aren't we all Americans?"
I never argue that a bit, but there's more to it. I'm sure you know we celebrate African-American/Black History Month in February, Women's History Month in March, Asian-Pacific Month in May, Hispanic Heritage Month in September and October, and Native American Month in November. The purpose of those observances is to educate those of us who don't know a lot about those cultures and to acknowledge the contributions that those groups of people have made to our own American heritage.
When you ask yourself what it is that makes America great, you'll find the answer is diversity. If you'll look around you (go ahead, no one's watching) you'll notice that what we call America is made up of people from all kinds of cultures, from different parts of the country or the world.
We're all different, yet we're all the same. We share the same basic values that make us Americans. We're invested in making our country and the world a better place for all of us to live. We believe in a democratic system of government where the people have a say in what and how we live.
What makes America great is that although we have different and diverse needs and desires, we've been able to combine all those differences to form one very diverse, but unified, family that allows us to be ourselves and expects us to accept each other.
We used to talk about the American melting pot. An honorable idea, but I'm not sure it's attainable. Why? Because there is very little, if any, chance that we'll all "melt", that we'll all assimilate, that we'll all be the same, and I'm not so sure we all want to be the same. I think it was Gen. George Patton who said, "If two of us are thinking the same thing, we don't need one of us." There's a marked difference between thinking the same thing and thinking with the same purpose in mind.
The concept of the American Salad Bowl comes closer to describing the culture we live in. The illustration of the salad bowl describes a dish that, as a whole, is its own entity, delicious and healthy. What gives that dish its flavor and wholesomeness is all of the different ingredients that make it one. Each ingredient adds its own contribution to the whole. Any part of it that's missing will affect the end result.
Dr. Stephen Covey has said, "Unity is not sameness, it's complementariness." If we are to be united, we have to be willing to accept, appreciate and celebrate one another's differences.
As we celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month, join the fun. Get involved. You don't have to be of or know a lot about, the culture. You'll learn a lot and you'll find a kind of gratification you can't find elsewhere. The education you gain and the relationships you develop will make you better and they'll make America better.
Together, we can go forward.
I never argue that a bit, but there's more to it. I'm sure you know we celebrate African-American/Black History Month in February, Women's History Month in March, Asian-Pacific Month in May, Hispanic Heritage Month in September and October, and Native American Month in November. The purpose of those observances is to educate those of us who don't know a lot about those cultures and to acknowledge the contributions that those groups of people have made to our own American heritage.
When you ask yourself what it is that makes America great, you'll find the answer is diversity. If you'll look around you (go ahead, no one's watching) you'll notice that what we call America is made up of people from all kinds of cultures, from different parts of the country or the world.
We're all different, yet we're all the same. We share the same basic values that make us Americans. We're invested in making our country and the world a better place for all of us to live. We believe in a democratic system of government where the people have a say in what and how we live.
What makes America great is that although we have different and diverse needs and desires, we've been able to combine all those differences to form one very diverse, but unified, family that allows us to be ourselves and expects us to accept each other.
We used to talk about the American melting pot. An honorable idea, but I'm not sure it's attainable. Why? Because there is very little, if any, chance that we'll all "melt", that we'll all assimilate, that we'll all be the same, and I'm not so sure we all want to be the same. I think it was Gen. George Patton who said, "If two of us are thinking the same thing, we don't need one of us." There's a marked difference between thinking the same thing and thinking with the same purpose in mind.
The concept of the American Salad Bowl comes closer to describing the culture we live in. The illustration of the salad bowl describes a dish that, as a whole, is its own entity, delicious and healthy. What gives that dish its flavor and wholesomeness is all of the different ingredients that make it one. Each ingredient adds its own contribution to the whole. Any part of it that's missing will affect the end result.
Dr. Stephen Covey has said, "Unity is not sameness, it's complementariness." If we are to be united, we have to be willing to accept, appreciate and celebrate one another's differences.
As we celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month, join the fun. Get involved. You don't have to be of or know a lot about, the culture. You'll learn a lot and you'll find a kind of gratification you can't find elsewhere. The education you gain and the relationships you develop will make you better and they'll make America better.
Together, we can go forward.
Surely Not
(This was on another blog I follow, written by someone else....yet, well worth the ponder. Copied by permission from her blog.)
______________________________
Imagine with me for a minute…
Right now, today…
you are small and alone.
You are hungry and lost.
You have no home, no parents, and seemingly no future.
You are scared, and weak, from days without food. You have nowhere to go, nowhere to be.
People walk by you but they don’t even look your way. It’s like you are invisible, nothing.
You keep walking, your feet are bleeding and sore… and yet still you manage to cling to the small bit of hope, the little voice inside your head that says maybe, just maybe, one day things will get better. Maybe one day -you will matter.
It is getting dark outside- inside your fear is growing. Where will you go?
Your heart is beating faster, and your fear becomes overwhelming, consuming your every thought. Then you see it, a dirty, broken cardboard box and you bow your head thanking God for His provision. For you have found it- shelter. Safety, if only for one night.
You slip underneath it, hugging yourself, vowing once again not to cry- because by now you know tears are a waste of your strength. Your eyes become heavy, despite the sweltering temperature. As you begin to drift off to sleep you pray, hoping, dreaming, of a family of your own one day...of a place where you will matter...to someone.
Somewhere else in the world is a family...
They are just sitting down to dinner together.They are smiling and their laughter fills the room.
Dinner is served and they bow their heads and they pray- thanking God for their many blessings… their home, their job, the food that is set before them.They lift their heads and go back to the laughter and the joy.
They talk of their upcoming vacation plans, the lunch date they shared with a friend today and the movie they plan to see this coming weekend.
More laughter, more excitement, more. As the leftovers are scraped into the garbage can and the table is cleaned up, hot bubble bathes are taken by all.
Evening settles in, and the family slips under their down comforters preparing for a good night's sleep.
Before turning out the lights, the husband leans over to kiss his wife good-night. She shyly smiles at him and begins to tell him that she has been feeling that perhaps God is calling them to adopt.
The room grows quiet as they are both lost in their own thoughts…
their minds are flooded with questions, concern, and then inevitably -fear.
How could they manage?
Another child?
Why, they already have two!
Where would they put the child?
Who would share a room?
How could they afford to adopt?
Would they be able to take that vacation?
What would people think?
What if the child, you know, caused ‘problems’?
As their eyelids become heavy, they begin to drift off to sleep...
and they think to themselves ‘surely not’.
Surely God knows this is not convenient.
Surely God wants them to take that vacation they deserve...
Surely he knows how busy they are.
They have plans and they have dreams.
As sleep overcomes them, the temperature in their master bedroom is perfect…
and their pillows are fluffed to perfection.
Life is good for them, just as they had planned...
Because after all, they matter...
Too much...
to themselves.
______________________________
Imagine with me for a minute…
Right now, today…
you are small and alone.
You are hungry and lost.
You have no home, no parents, and seemingly no future.
You are scared, and weak, from days without food. You have nowhere to go, nowhere to be.
People walk by you but they don’t even look your way. It’s like you are invisible, nothing.
You keep walking, your feet are bleeding and sore… and yet still you manage to cling to the small bit of hope, the little voice inside your head that says maybe, just maybe, one day things will get better. Maybe one day -you will matter.
It is getting dark outside- inside your fear is growing. Where will you go?
Your heart is beating faster, and your fear becomes overwhelming, consuming your every thought. Then you see it, a dirty, broken cardboard box and you bow your head thanking God for His provision. For you have found it- shelter. Safety, if only for one night.
You slip underneath it, hugging yourself, vowing once again not to cry- because by now you know tears are a waste of your strength. Your eyes become heavy, despite the sweltering temperature. As you begin to drift off to sleep you pray, hoping, dreaming, of a family of your own one day...of a place where you will matter...to someone.
Somewhere else in the world is a family...
They are just sitting down to dinner together.They are smiling and their laughter fills the room.
Dinner is served and they bow their heads and they pray- thanking God for their many blessings… their home, their job, the food that is set before them.They lift their heads and go back to the laughter and the joy.
They talk of their upcoming vacation plans, the lunch date they shared with a friend today and the movie they plan to see this coming weekend.
More laughter, more excitement, more. As the leftovers are scraped into the garbage can and the table is cleaned up, hot bubble bathes are taken by all.
Evening settles in, and the family slips under their down comforters preparing for a good night's sleep.
Before turning out the lights, the husband leans over to kiss his wife good-night. She shyly smiles at him and begins to tell him that she has been feeling that perhaps God is calling them to adopt.
The room grows quiet as they are both lost in their own thoughts…
their minds are flooded with questions, concern, and then inevitably -fear.
How could they manage?
Another child?
Why, they already have two!
Where would they put the child?
Who would share a room?
How could they afford to adopt?
Would they be able to take that vacation?
What would people think?
What if the child, you know, caused ‘problems’?
As their eyelids become heavy, they begin to drift off to sleep...
and they think to themselves ‘surely not’.
Surely God knows this is not convenient.
Surely God wants them to take that vacation they deserve...
Surely he knows how busy they are.
They have plans and they have dreams.
As sleep overcomes them, the temperature in their master bedroom is perfect…
and their pillows are fluffed to perfection.
Life is good for them, just as they had planned...
Because after all, they matter...
Too much...
to themselves.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
John Piper on adoption
John Piper is the pastor at Bethlehem Baptist a Reformed Baptist Church and he is a big fan of adoption. Read what he has to say. Here is his You Tube video on the same topic. See it.
ineresting article on Africa aid and Christianity by an Athiest
This is a very interesting article on what is helping the most in Africa. Check it out. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/matthew_parris/article5400568.ece
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