taking a look at your expectations

If you are considering adopting or are newly home with your child(ren) ---Please read this article on expectations.  It is really helpful.

Taking a New Look at Your Expectations

Posted: 27 Mar 2014 11:40 PM PDT

As adoptive and foster parents encounter challenges and struggles, many of them discover that much of their frustration and disappointment is rooted in their own unrealistic expectations.

Watch as Michael Monroe provides insight into the importance of realistic expectations and how by holding their expectations loosely, parents can actually begin to make progress toward greater healing and connection.

For more resources about motivations and expectations, click here.

This article is linked to and is from Empowered To Connect
You can subscribe at this link as well.

The Dark Matter of Love

The Dark Matter of Love

A movie you can download and watch regarding adoption and the tricky issue of love.
I am intrigued by this and am interested to see what it says. Maybe you would like to do so as well.

Here is the post from Rainbow Kids:

  The Dark Matter of Love

Heard about it yet? This documentary is making waves in the adoption community. Watch a trailer, download the movie, and read an interesting commentary on Huff Post. I'll be watching as well.

Want to know something about the 147 million orphans needing homes?

If you are just starting out on the road of international adoption I HIGHLY recommend reading this article by a fellow adoptive mama and blogger. This is going to give you a very realistic idea of who is adoptable, who is waiting and needing a family and some of what parenting that child could potentially entail.

Trauma workshop in Colorado Springs. Looks very helpful.

Early Registration Open Now!  CPCAN is excited to announce our 2012 Event Child Abuse Prevention Awareness Month     Featuring Dr. Bruce Perry

Thursday April 19, 2012 8:30am - 4:15pm Colorado Springs, Colorado (Specific location TBA)    Early Registration $40  if payment received by March 9 (Regular $50)     The Impact of Trauma on Child Development  Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.     Dr.  Bruce D. Perry is the Senior Fellow of The ChildTrauma Academy, a not-for-profit organization based in Houston (www.ChildTrauma.org) and adjunct Professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Northwestern University School of Medicine in Chicago.  Dr. Perry is the author of over 300 journal articles, book chapters and scientific proceedings and is the recipient of numerous professional awards and honors, including the T. Berry Brazelton Infant Mental Health Advocacy Award, the Award for Leadership in Public Child Welfare and the Alberta Centennial Medal. He has presented about child maltreatment, children's mental health, neurodevelopment and youth violence in a variety of venues including policy-making bodies such as the White House Summit on Violence, the California Assembly and U.S. House Committee on Education.   _________________________________________________________________________________________ Dr. Perry will be preceded by Karen Logan, Child Welfare Manager from the El Paso County Department of Human Services, who will present information about current child maltreatment issues.

 

Two Step Registration Process 

~#1 Pay then #2 Register~

Step 1.  Pay using PayPal "Buy Now" button below. (You do not need to have a PayPal account.) $40 Early, $50 after March 9 

Step 2.  When PayPal payment is complete click on "Return to CPCAN" and you will be directed you to the Registration Form.  Once you complete and submit this form you will be registered.

*Please note that refunds will not be given after March 9 and will be subject to $5 

processing fee.

_________________________________________________________

This looks like a great seminar. Useful for anyone adopting......... and anyone who deals with people in general.  It does not matter the age of the child you are adopting. You need to know about trauma!

Jill

Adoptive Families magazine offers free adoption guide!

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE ADOPTION APP

New to adoption or considering an additional adoption -- or know someone who is? AF's FREE Adoption Guide app is the perfect resource for anyone who wants to learn more about starting out on adoption journeys. Get instant access to the best of AF and the best how-to-adopt tools -- right on your iPhone, iPod touch, or iPad.   

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This is a wonderful resource and perfect for anyone who is starting out in the world of adoption. This is a gift from Adoptive Families magazine. Visit them on line at:  http://adoptivefamilies.com/

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We'd love to hear from you!Twitter.com/AdoptionCircle Facebook.com/AdoptiveFamilies

radio show on adoption

I wanted to make you aware of a web site. I have noted this one before. Creating A Family. They have a radio show that I am linking here that directly talks about Ethiopia. There are a bunch of great shows that will help you along the way on every phase of adoption. This particular broadcast features Melissa Fay Green.
Check it out: Creating A family radio show

Creating A Family

I want to introduce you to a site I just came across. Creating A Family is a great site for finding adoption related information. It is directed at any sort of adoption, domestic or international and includes infertility options.

It contains useful articles and links on infertility, adoption service providers and offers webinars useful for pre adoptive parents. There is a blog with a lot of very interesting posts as well as a radio show. There is currently an interesting article on Adopted kids doing well.  I like the book list they have. They have a great section on adoption including, how to select an agency, special needs, support groups, attachment and bonding, artificial twinning, blending families, birth order, international adoption, etc.....
So, if you have not checked them out before, you should just pop over and see what they have to offer. I think this is a super great resource.

Myth regarding Ethiopian children and RAD

I recently answered a question regarding the myth populated by who knows who regarding Ethiopian children and RAD and attachment difficulty. Basically, I hear this a lot from lots of people: "Ethiopians love their kids so they don't have RAD or attachment problems". This is a myth. This is my response to the question asking if this is true.

Good to be thinking this through before you take the plunge. It is true that children who come to their families through adoption generally have some significant challenges. Each country has it's unique characteristics. While there are similarities in the struggles children coming from the same country have, there are always those who do not fill that same pattern. There are generalized ideas out there about different parts of the world and their orphan care and the subsequent issues the child is likely to face when in their forever home. You are likely well aware of these ideas.
The fact is that children everywhere struggle with attachment and can indeed have RAD. The way they struggle may look different. A child from Russia may have been deprived of physical contact and suffer from being easily over stimulated, among other issues and situations. A child from Ethiopia may have been carried on their mother from day one to the time they are orphaned or able to walk around. That same child may suffer malnutrition, may have seen violence or experienced it. That child may have been required to work at a very young age. He may have been shuffled around to various relatives and neighbors where who knows what happened to him. Many things that are cultural norms. These things have their own disadvantages and present their own unique and equally upsetting challenges when the child comes to their forever home in the Western world, a major cultural norm shift. An orphanage is no place for a child, no matter where it is there are negative effects from being in one. Even if the child we adopt was loved (and treated well by western standards) by his birth-mother there is a break. Trauma of death or relinquishment, trauma of the orphanage (even if it is a "good" one), trauma of being adopted (yes that is a trauma -separated from family of origin permanently, from culture, language, familiar everything). The younger the child the less trauma, the older the child the greater the possibility is that they have suffered additional traumas. Contrary to popular opinion Ethiopia has it's fair share of abuse and trauma to a child. Poverty is a catalyst for a lot of hard things including abuse. The thing about it is that they value children and family, so we get thrown off here by westernizing those values. Standards of what is acceptable are different than what we would feel appropriate here. Each time a child is hurt it breaks their cycle of trust and the more you experience the more you shut down, the harder it is to give and receive love. Yes, it happens, even in Ethiopia.
There is a yahoo group dedicated to parents of adopted Ethiopian kids who have RAD. It is not a small group and they are not all older adoptees. It is good to be aware of this but it is not really a reason to run away. Rather it is a good reason to learn all you can and prepare to parent a hurt child. If you have already adopted you are likely quite familiar with all the attachment parenting and related ideas and maybe everything I have said here. I would say, just be an aware parent. No matter where you child is born he or she has suffered trauma of one sort or another. Your child needs to have her circle of attachment mended. You are her catalyst to healing. No matter where she is from she will grieve; be angry; be confused; reject; regress;  need loads and loads of reassurance and love, nurturing love and stick with it love, from you. If you are ready for this you will do the best you can, and we can only hope the child will too.
If you are interested in stats and papers on abuse in Ethiopia you can check out an earlier post on this with links to papers, journals and stats on this issue.

The Connected Child

This weekend we attended the Empowered to Connect conference in Denver. It was wonderful. We are big fans of the book, The Connected Child by Dr. Karen Purvis. 

We have found many of the ideas in here very useful for all of our kids. I am going to give some personal advice on here. I do not usually do that, I tend to favor giving you tons of information and letting you decide what to do with it. However, with this one..... I think every adoptive family needs this book. I feel that if you have kids in your home you should read this book and implement it with the kids you have before you add new children to the home. Then it is all in place for your kids who are on their way to your family, and you are all practiced up and your kids now won't be asking you why you are doing it different with  the new siblings. I do not think this is strictly a parenting technique for adopted kids but rather what all kids can benefit by. I love this book it is really great. It works for us and we have the diverse kids over here, ha, don't we all!

This book talks about the basic connection your child needs and why it is broken and how to fix it. It gives you ways to implement basic and really important things like: obey the first time, be respectful, no hurts, calm and gentle actions and voice, asking for what you need, etc.

Did you know that your child will mirror the type of attachment style you have? If you have a secure attachment style this will come easier for them, if you have an insecure attachment style then they too will exhibit this type of attachment. How do you know what your style is? Some self examination is in order to find out your attachment style. It is probable that in all your training you have actually had some sort of "ah-ha" moment regarding your own attachment style, grief process and well, all sorts of connections to your child hood events and why you do what you do now. If not, maybe it is time. Dr. Purvis encourages parents to seek out their own story and embrace it and grow from it. She said over and over if you as the parent have not done significant healing of your own you will not be able to lead your child to healing. Here at our house, we can attest to this as truth. Never fear, now is not too late. As you change and grow so will your child. Healing begets healing.

You can also access this information in video clips on Empowered To Connect.
You can buy the videos from TCU.

I strongly suggest that you make this the top priority in reading and implementing BEFORE you bring your child home. And, if you did not do it before, well get it now and start doing this. It is a wonderful tool.

Twinning or more...

Just wanted to pass along this super great post by a mom who has done more than artificially twin her kids. She actually has 5 kids all age nine at the moment. It is an excellent read and picture of what this can look like. There are lots of cautions out there, all with good intent and all good things to think about. But, the reality is sometimes you don't know you are creating this situation. You think your child is older or younger than he actually is..... you get artificial twins. Or, the child you have fallen in love with on the waiting child list just happens to be a "twin" with a child you have at home. Is it the end of the world? Should you avoid it?
Read this mom's post: Stillwater

In our case, we adopted two boys who were of undetermined age distance apart. Ends up being about 8 months. Yes, we have Like Twins. But, they are so not twins and we are able to put them in different grades which helps a lot. I think it has it's definate benefits and challanges. I don't think one outweighs the other. Just what is best for your family.......... of course if you don't always know that is what you are getting, well you just have to adjust. That is an important skill in the world of international adoption, not to mention parenting in general!

new adoption site for state gov.

I wanted to alert you to the fact that the gov pages have created a new adoption site. I will update my links this week. But for now. It is....
http://adoption.state.gov/index.php

What about Disruption?

With the number of kids coming home from Ethiopia, an older kids at that..... the number of disruptions and the fact that it does happen more often than expected, is seeping out of hiding to take it's place in the reality of adoption from anywhere.
I want to share with you an inspirational story of a family who adopted a child from a disruption. No, not from Ethiopia, but I could find stories on that too. (maybe another post). I found this to be a great story, not hiding the hard, but a good story of truth and hardship. Check out Wanted.

I also thought I would mention that the Adoption Exchange and Rainbow Kids and Colorado Coalition of Adoptive Families (also look at the resources tab for COCAF) have a lot of resource. If you have a kid who has come from hard places and you are struggling and so is your child, check out these resources.

Of late I have notice a lot of posts on various sites on this topic and helps offered from those who have dealt with it. Some of those suggestions have included: respite care; therepy for grief, trauma, abuse, abandonment, RAD, etc; neurofeedback; residential treatment/care; residential situations where the child is out of the home at a school that can deal with the child's special needs and home on weekends. Just some ideas to put out there. I actually know of families who have done each of these things and some multiple.

A note for parents starting the adoption process. 
I would highly and strongly suggest that you get in writing the policy of your selected adoption agency (or make it part of your inquiry before deciding) for potential disruptions. Not that any of us plan on this or expect it, but what if. You want to know your agency has a contingency plan, is able to provide help with hard cases, can make a re placement for the child if needed or offer resources for help, therapy, etc, and offer resources for respite care while you re group. Your home-study agency should also have resources for helping you with post placement issues as well as possible disruption. Be sure to ask. If your adoption agency or home-study agency does not or can not do this, then you can make your own plan, gather the resources available in your area. This is your circle to which you can turn in case of severe trauma, abuse, RAD. You can get all the help you can before deciding to disrupt, to hopefully prevent it. Of course it does happen, and you need to have the right resources in place. This is really important.

bedroom decore - a random thought

So, I was thinking today about what I would do differently if we were planning for our boys after referral and court. One really random, but important thing is their room decor. Being that they were 3, that not infant/ not big boy stage, I choose a zoo theme. I painted big faces of animals in frames on the wall, put a jungle animal border up and made their blankets jungle/zoo animal theme. I did only the basic as I figured they would outgrow this theme soon enough. What I did not know is that they were going to be terrified of animals and have an aversion to anything soft and cuddly since they had never been exposed to it before. I am sooooo thankful I did not paint any lions, to which they were terrified and started crying and screaming over. In truth it took them a year before they were interested in any stuffed animals, of which I actually sat down and MADE many special ones to go with the room theme (one of those was a lion). I used the Pottery Barn kids ideas from a catalog that year and made the animals in it and painted the paintings on the walls. Ok it is really cute and great looking....... but not so great for the boys. I would have been much better off with a car theme.

Kids from Ethiopia are often afraid of animals and don't really know what to do with stuffed animals. Oh, I know there are always exceptions, but still, I would stay away from animal themes. I do know that most boys have a fascination with autos and planes, and they are familiar. So, either would be a good pick. If I were just starting and knew about he animal thing..... I would choose to paint road signs and traffic lights on the walls, paint or buy a border of a street with cars on it.  I would give them one of those semis that holds a ton of matchbox cars. I would paint their names on street signs. And......... they would not be afraid of it, they would think it was heaven.

Maybe that is what we will change the theme to when they do outgrow the zoo, which they have now become accustomed to and like. :) Just a thought.

Ethica post on US Department of State Meeting - Ethiopia Adoption: Solutions into Action

This article is re-posted with permission from Ethica. This is an awesome site for information regarding adoption ethics. There are pages for all countries engaging in international adoption. Check them out at Ethica. 

Ethica’s notes from U.S. Department of State meeting – Ethiopia Adoption: Solutions into Action

January 28, 2011

On Monday, January 24, 2011, the U.S. Department of State (DOS) hosted a meeting for stakeholders in Ethiopian adoption. Ethica will post the official DOS minutes as they are available.
Ethica was present at the meeting. The following are Ethica’s notes from that meeting.
Ethiopia Adoption: Solutions into Action – January 24, 2011
Overview:
*Adoptions are mostly from two regions of the country.
*80% of the adoption cases are relinquishment cases, majority relinquished by one birthparent.  Most have siblings.  In the earlier phase of adoptions from Ethiopia, the youngest children in a family were relinquished; increasingly it is the middle and older siblings in a family.
*40% of the children involved are under the age of two; 25% are between 2-4 years old, and 35% are over the age of 4.
*90% of the cases handled by the U.S. Embassy call for further investigation for clarification of facts.  The kinds of abuses they are seeing relate to misrepresentation of facts and concealment of facts in hopes of making the process going more quickly, including a false perception that if there is no birthparent reported that the case will move more quifathersckly (so will say that they are uncles, for instance).  The problems in Ethiopia begin at the local level long before the children reach Addis.
*There are 22 licensed US ASPs (Adoption Service Providers) in Ethiopia, but over 70 who operate there.  There is a lot of umbrella-ing.
*The top 10 ASPs account for 67% of all adoptions from Ethiopia.
Vulnerabilities:
*There is no central mechanism for referrals for children.
*There are three different parts of the Ethiopian government that have jurisdiction over adoptions:  Ministry of Justice (MOJ), Ministry of Women’s Affairs (MOWA), and Charities and Societies, which registers NGOs and ASPs
*MOJ evaluated 200 orphanages; recently indicated that they were planning on closing 50 of them due to malfeasance
*MOWA has an office of 5 people to review all adoption cases; the process requires two reviews of adoption cases.
*ASPs choose orphanages to work with, orphanages choose ASPs; there is neither transparency nor regulation in this process
*Irregularities are found after the adoption is finalized and the child is legally the child of American parents.
*Expediting the process means that there is not enough time for due diligence
*There is no standardization of fees, no standard fee structure
*Lack of monitoring at the local level
*At one point, it seemed that there was some movement toward Ethiopia becoming a Hague Convention country, but it does not appear to be on the agenda now.
Investigation of children’s backgrounds:
ASPs are inconsistent in their due diligence in investigating children’s backgrounds.  In one example, a 6-year old child was found abandoned at a bus station and kept in an orphanage for 1.5 years.  The first time the child was asked about his biological parents was during his visa interview at the Embassy, and he told the officials the name and address of his biological parents.  This information could have easily been procured prior to this point.
Some adoption agencies do more due diligence than others, with social workers and investigators operating in the best interests of the child.  Some ASPs create lifebooks as an investigative tool so they have more information on the child prior to court.  The life book includes video interviews of the parents, neighbors and others involved in the case, and they document evidence of the child’s background, how s/he came into care, and provide timelines.  Other agencies are passing along paperwork that the agency has failed to look at themselves which show discrepancies, missing information and clerical errors; one example provided was a document that stated in one place that “father unknown” and in another place, “tried to call father; no answer.”
The Transparency Survey administered by Ethica can provide some information into the different practices of agencies (found here).
The US government is increasing scrutiny and increasing field investigations based on fraud markers they’ve observed.  They continue to collect detailed tracking information on all cases to detect patterns.
Hague accredited agencies are not necessarily operating in a transparent and ethical manner, either.  Most agencies are not investigating kids’ histories across the board, Hague accredited or not.
Part of the problem is umbrella-ing.  It is necessary to examine the connections between all organizations and determine whether those relationships are appropriate.  They want to become more rigorous in their investigations.  It was also suggested that reputable agencies will broadcast clearly the problems that are happening in Ethiopian adoptions. We encourage families to register their complaints with COA about problem agencies if those agencies are Hague-accredited.
Current situation in Ethiopia:
*As the number of children coming out of Ethiopia increase, there are increasing concerns about their well-being, particularly in a country that lacks the infrastructure necessary to support the numbers.  There are increasing attachment issues in children coming from Ethiopia.
*There is a dichotomy in agency practices:  on one end of the spectrum, agencies that go into the village, interview leaders in the village, families.  On the other end of the spectrum, child is not asked about their circumstances and paperwork is suspicious.  There are significant concerns about how children come into care.  There are also concerns in the fact that the children now stay in the government orphanage before coming to transition homes.
*There are significant development projects in Ethiopia as a result of adoption agency involvement that affect far more than the children who are adopted.
*Adoptive parents’ entitlement are one of the most damaging issues in Ethiopian adoption.  There have been reports of parents hitting their children, yelling at their children.  This is extremely harmful to newly adopted children and has serious consequences for the future of the program.  This is why APs are now required to stay in guest houses.  There needs to be a real change in the way parents behave in country.
Speed of the process: 
*From the USG perspective, it is fairly expeditious.  If the agency provides appropriate and reliable paperwork, and the Embassy knows that the agency did its due diligence, they can act more quickly.  The delays are often on the Ethiopian side, especially because of the limited resources of MOWA and MOJ.
*One big issue is that the USG is often seen as the “bad guy” when they have to disclose to the AP that the child being referred has two living parents who want to parent.  This is not the fault of the Embassy.
“The way forward” panel
*PL 109-95 mandates a consistent, coordinated, effective approach to helping orphaned and vulnerable children (OVC).  It includes 7 US government agencies and PEPFAR.  One can find all of the USG projects to address OVC here (this is mandated by PL 109-95).
*There are significant concerns about coercion, paperwork irregularities.  The increase in adoptions from Ethiopia did not coincide with an increase in family options, which is notable and concerning.
Take-home messages for adoptive parents:
1)  Agency selection is critical for prospective adoptive parents.  Select an agency that has a solid track record of investigating children’’ histories and knowing their facilitators and the situations in which children come into care.  PAPs should avoid agencies that umbrella and sign only with Hague-accredited agencies that are legally allowed to operate in Ethiopia.  It is highly advisable to join adoption agency research internet groups to fully vet one’s agency choice.
2)  Adoptive parents should seek out pre-adoptive education on child development and attachment.  They should check their attitudes when in-country, but more than that, realize that practices such as hitting, smacking, or yelling at children are extremely harmful for both the children themselves and the future of the program.
3)  When a Hague-accredited agency presents inconsistent paperwork or the adoptive parents have ethical concerns about their adoption in the process of completing their adoption,, PAPs and APs are strongly urged to report the behavior to the Department of State here.  If it is a non-accredited agency that behaves unethically, the Department of State would still like to hear about it; families can email askci@state.gov.  For questions about making a complaint, families can email Ethica at ethicainfo@gmail.com.
4)  It cannot be overstated that we urge adoptive parents to use only Hague accredited agencies and ask many questions about a referral once it is made about the circumstances surrounding the child’s history.  For more information or help determining whether an agency is Hague-accredited, contact us:  ethicainfo@gmail.com.

You can also check out the article on the same event from PEAR Parents for Ethical Adoption Reform

Ethical Adoption

Interested in Ethical adoption practices. Is your agency ethical? Is the country ethical in the way it is handling adoptions? If you are interested in learning more about ethics in adoption Ethica is the site for you. It is brimming with wonderful and insightful articles and has pages specific to different countries. See their page on Ethiopia here. I know right now there are a lot of questions about what is going on in Ethiopia, is my adoption "safe", is my agency safe? This is a great resource and I wanted to be sure to share it with you.

This site is current and up to date and will give you honest information you can count on. 

A word to the wise on groups, blogs and your privacy

This was just brought up on one of the groups I am on. It is not the first time and certainly not the last. Pre-adoptive parents join these groups to get information and support. They feel a sense of safety with these on line friends. Parents create blogs and post events in their adoption along with some very personal stuff. They want to share with others they love and care about like family and friends. They want to be helpful to adoptive parents coming along behind them looking for resources and answers. They want to get answers and encouragement when things are hard or frustrating. Good intentions. Good perspective. Good purpose. Sadly not all the members of these groups and followers of blogs are "friends" and not all are even adoptive or pre-adoptive parents. The truth is that there are some agencies who are unscrupulous and have "their people" on group sites and surfing blogs and facebook (etc) in order to look for "problems" with their families and to "defend" or control information regarding their own agency. They also use this as a recruiting tool. Many times they are in "spy" mode. That is to say they are not using their real name or are pretending to be an adoptive or pre adoptive parent. Some agencies are more notorious for this. Some agency reps are not in spy mode and are up front about their presence, this just seems more honest to me. Many groups do not allow anyone who works for an agency to be a member. Lots of people keep their blogs private before the adoption is final and many still after. Agency specific networks are often maintained by staff of the particular agency. Some are parent led but still have staff members as moderators. Some staff members are adoptive parents themselves and are on these boards or have helped to create them.  Others don't allow their own staff on the parent boards at all. Not all agencies are unscrupulous and not all will sneak around to learn stuff about you. Not all agencies have such a bad rep underground that they feel the need to control deceptively.  In fact, I think most don't. With all this in mind it is very important to be aware of this when posting. And, be careful which agency you do end up choosing. Unfortunate, but real.

researching adoption agencies
choosing an agency
questions to ask an adoption agency
how to choose an agency questionnaire 

Ten Questions for Parents Preparing to Adopt or Foster

Posted: 05 Oct 2010 07:40 AM PDT

This comes from Empowered to Connect (Karyn Purvis).
We (Empowered to Connect) are often asked what questions parents should consider as they make decisions and prepare to adopt or foster. Below is a list of ten questions that we believe will help parents better assess the journey that lies ahead. You can also download and print a pdf version of these questions.

Ten Questions for Parents Preparing to Adopt or Foster

We believe it is critically important that parents who are preparing to adopt or foster a child must be honest and realistic about the journey and the challenges that lie ahead. Just as Jesus in Luke 14 challenged those who would follow him to ‘count the cost,’ so too parents who respond to God’s call to adopt or foster must be willing to count the cost of the adoption journey and prepare to “lay down their lives” to love their child and help him or her become all that God intends.
The following questions are designed to help parents (and parents-to-be) begin to honestly assess the journey ahead…and what it will require. We encourage you to thoughtfully and prayerfully consider these questions. They are not meant to scare you or in any way discourage you from continuing on this amazing path. Instead, our desire is simply that these questions will point you toward the hope and help that you need to form a strong and lasting connection with your child as you faithfully follow God’s call in your life.

1. Are you willing to acknowledge and fully embrace your child’s history, including that which you know and that which you will likely never know?
2. Are you willing to accept that your child has been affected by his/her history, possibly in profound ways, and as a result that you will need to parent your child in a way that exhibits true compassion and promotes connection and healing?
3. Are you willing to parent differently than how you were parented, how you have parented in the past, or how your friends parent their children? Are you willing to “un-learn” certain parenting strategies and approaches that may not be effective with your child, even if you have used these strategies and approaches successfully with your other children in the past?
4. Are you willing to educate yourself, your parents, family and friends on an ongoing basis in order to promote understanding of your child’s needs and how best to meet those needs?
5. Are you willing to be misunderstood, criticized and even judged by others who do not understand your child’s history, the impacts of that history and how you have been called to love and connect with your child in order to help him/her heal and become all that God intends?
6. Are you prepared to advocate for your child’s needs, including at school, church, in extracurricular settings and otherwise, in order to create predictability and promote environments that enable your child to feel safe and allow him/her to succeed?
7. Are you willing to sacrifice your own convenience, expectations and desires in order to connect with your child and help him/her heal, even if that process is measured in years, not months?
8. Are you willing to fully embrace your child’s holistic needs, including his/her physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs?
9. Are you willing to seek ongoing support and maintain long-term connections with others who understand your journey and the challenges that you face? Are you willing to intentionally seek and accept help when you encounter challenges with your child that you are not equipped to adequately deal with?
10. Are you willing to acknowledge that you as a parent bring a great deal to the equation when it comes to how your child will attach and connect? Are you willing to honestly examine (on an ongoing basis) your motivations and expectations relating to your adoption journey? Are you willing to look at your own past (including your past losses and trauma, both big and small) and consider how your past may impact your interactions with your child? Are you willing to consistently examine your role as parent as you experience challenges and difficulties along the journey?

As you read through the above questions, you may have concluded that some of the questions didn’t apply to you and your situation? That may be the case to some extent, as every adoption and foster care experience is unique. However, we encourage you to spend some time reading and talking with other experienced adoptive and foster parents about what you should realistically expect as you travel this journey. We find that parents sometimes start with less than accurate assumptions about how the adoption or foster care journey will unfold, and as a result they are more likely to form unrealistic expectations. We believe that these questions are helpful and instructive for all parents considering or pursuing adoption and foster care, and we hope that as you work through them they will lead you toward greater insight and understanding.

Adoption Exchange articles/ adoption booklet/getting started/while you wait/ choosing an agency

I just got a great informative email from Adoption Exchange. It features articles for parents to be.
I am linking to their pages here for your convenience.

Steps to adoption
read about it, join adoption groups in your area, talk to other adoptive parents, choosing an agency, what kind of adoption is right for you............... 
Adoption booklet
PDF full of great information in depth from the above article. 
while you are waiting,
things to learn about: read about potential issues, attend adoption classes and seminars, locate and contact schools and what they provide, health care providers, mental health providers, parent support groups, etc.
choosing an agency tips for where to look for information, questions to ask and all about funding.

Adopting TWO (or more) at one time.

Pros for adopting ONE/Cons for adopting MORE than one
Will get our full attention
Financing one set of costs is all most people can manage
Adjustment for family is not as extreme
Bonding and attachment will be less strenuous (not that it won't be strenuous)
Processing the grief of one is an armload in itself, two is a mountain
Two is more expensive than one in daily cost of living

Pros for MORE than one/Cons for ONE
If you live in a very homogeneous area, it would be nice to have someone who is like you
Siblings would always have each other
Having a sibling would help them adjust to a new environment.
If I am processing one's grief and attachment why not two (this is hard!)
I want to adopt two eventually, why not just get it over with now, plus the fees will be reduced
If you wait to adopt another child later they may not be close in age, you may loose heart and never do it, etc.
instant family


Our experience:
We adopted our two boys at the same time, they were 3. We also have two daughters who are older and close in age to each other 20 mo, sibling adjustment is another post!). We are glad we did it, but we could not have picked a more difficult path, or been given more grace in doing it. If you are up the the challenge it is well worth it for all the reasons above and more. But, challenge it is. We are two years home and that is a lot different from 6 months or one year. You might have read other blogs or have friends who have adopted more than one at a time, wait until they have been home one or two years before considering their answer to your questions as full experience. They are still becoming family. With more than one, that is a longer journey.

Our boys presented opposite everything so we got to see the variance in kids all at once. (Definition of terms: attachment = feeling of love. Bond = trusting parents to meet all needs). Son 1: transferred attachment within the first 3 months, then tested hard for another four months, bond took an entire year to establish. Son 2: no attachment to transfer. Teach attachment, struggle and work hard and terribly tired, combating fear and anger. Attachment took about a year, bond took an additional 10-12 months after that. We are in a good place with both of our sons at this time. We would not have survived so well if we had not done our homework beforehand. We read everything and had a game plan for any scenario and we used them all and had to come up with more and read more.

There are two ways to go about the multiple child adoption.
You can adopt siblings. That is the most common way. Social workers will tell you that because siblings already have a bond to one another they will not have to expend so much energy bonding to eachother and have more energy to bond to you. If you have other kids in the home then that is only half true because they still have to bond to them too. And you will have to consider if they have even been living together. Many are separated by living with different relatives or different child care facilities due to age or gender. That sibling bond can get in the way of forming a bond with the parents until you gain the trust of the most dominant sibling (usually the oldest). Sometimes that is not so hard, other times it is the hardest part of the entire attachment/ bonding thing. Siblings also share almost all the same history (sometimes there are different fathers).  That is a big plus and if there is an older sibling they remember for everyone and will have more for you to write down. However sometimes there are different life experiences due to gender or age. Siblings can be manipulative and controlling. But, really don't all kids try this. If you adopt just one and have another child at home you are still going to deal with this. For that matter, an only child will pull that one. It is the nature of children! It is also less expensive, adoption fees and validation and USCIS, etc. for siblings are just less.

Or you can adopt two unrelated children at the same time. Not so common, and lots of agencies will not allow you to do this. Ethiopia DOES allow this. Mainly agencies discourage this because they say it is harder to form a bond with two (but they don't apply this to siblings for some reason). Since this is what we DID DO, I will say that most of their issues are well founded, but also apply just as well with a sibling adoption. The benefit of non siblings is that the children do not already have a hierarchy nor a leader to block and usurp your authority. To me that is a big bonus. Of course this does not always occur, just like the horror stats for unrelated adoptions do not always occur (like in our case).  If the children come from the same child center then they may already have an attachment or bond to each other. They at least have feelings about each other. Siblings may not like one another but they know there is nothing to do about that. Unrelated kids may not like each other but they don't automatically think there is nothing to be done about that. Of course both scenarios will have manipulative and controlling behaviors and well, you have to work that out with siblings no matter how they become siblings. Everyone will see the opportunity and charge you fees for two, ok the paperwork is slightly more. Even after they are home and ARE siblings you still get to pay twice because they don't share the same blood line. Even though at this point it is not more paperwork.

It comes down to what you feel is most important for your children and family and what you feel you and your current family (and marriage) can handle. Two is a tough road but it is soooooo worth it. By researching and reading all you can you are doing great thinking on this and you will make a good choice for you. The best thing I can say is if you choose to do two, do not be afraid. Trust that it is what you are called to and you can do it.

Do your research, learn all you can, make your plan, bring  your kids home, work your plan, learn more, make more plans, work your new plans, repeat...... and one day you will wake up and find that you are really really truly feel like family and you are glad and you are not as tired as you have been. That is a good feeling.

Resources for adopting more than one child at the same time:
http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=605
http://russia.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/adopting-two/comment-page-1
http://hubpages.com/hub/Adopt-Siblings
http://www.thelaboroflove.com/articles/adopting-siblings-pros-and-cons/http://www.ehow.com/how_2062980_decide-adopt-siblings.html
http://www.helium.com/items/1189116-adopting-siblingshttp://www.helium.com/items/699909-adopting-siblings-the-drawbacks
http://www.helium.com/items/699909-adopting-siblings-the-drawbackshttp://www.adoption.ca/pdfs/artificial_twinning_e.pdf
the above article covers: adopting unrelated children and siblings


If you have done this and would like to share your blog, please post it in the comments.

Toddler/preschooler adoption boys and girls (and young boys specific challenges)

If you are interested in adopting older kids, that is older than infant, over 2 years of age..... well, you have likely learned that there are more boys than girls available for adoption in Ethiopia, in every age group, but the largest number are over the age of 3 or 4. When given the choice people often believe a girl will give them less grief and will bond faster. Is this true? Well, I don't really know, but I do know that adopting any child is a risk and you need to be educated before you dive right in, and certainly before your child comes home. I would like to share with you some of my thoughts on bringing boys into our home. If you have boys, well, you already know what to expect. I will say this one thing, any normal boy behavior that is exaggerated is a BIG HUGE sign of attachment and bonding issues as well as grief.  No, they are not just more active or wily or rowdy or whatever you call it, they are having issues with attachment. For those of you who have only girls right now and are considering adding a boy, this is a new ball game! WOW! I thought I was prepared. Wrong. For those of you  for whom this will be your first child. Well, a boy is a wonderful thing, you just have to harness all that wildness into tame and that is a lot of work. You will do just fine.

We adopted two preschool aged boys who were very close in age in 2008. Honestly, the whole process was very fast as they were waiting and older. 5 months sign with agency to home. We have two older daughters. At the time we adopted they were 9 and 10.

Some other posts that may be useful depending on where you are at:
Older child adoption post on blog   http://jkdcolorado.blogspot.com/2009/09/older-child-adoption.html
Artificial twinning post on  blog   http://jkdcolorado.blogspot.com/2010/03/like-twins-artificial-twinning.html

From my reading and experience these are some things you should consider, in my opinion:

Time for toddlers/preschoolers:
*I would highly recommend getting Love and Logic or some sort of action/consequence logic based parenting book/program and knowing it well. Because you have no history with these children, and they are older, and established in behavior, you will need to rely heavily on a parenting technique you choose and be consistent with it. They are coming from chaos and will need a high level of order and consistency and nurture.
*Are you willing and able to stay home with them for the first year they are home? This is critical for attachment and bonding that they have you as their only care giver for this time.
*Example of what we are doing: 6 months home then 1/2 day preschool for 3 mornings a week (BIG HUGE Mistake!!) should have waited until a year home. After a year home  3 mornings of 1/2 day prek a week was ok with Serious mommy time on days home and afternoons home, when we missed this they acted up. We will do 1/2 day kinder. They will not have an entire day away from me until first grade. Due to insecure attachment our younger son will home school prek a second year before going to kinder to solidify the relationship while our oldest son is able to handle 1/2 day kinder all week in the fall.
*At four or five and certainly if older,  it is likely that they have experienced the typical Ethiopian spankings. More like child abuse in my opinion. My boys have unnatural fears and reactions to any form of physical punishment due to this. Even a thump on the hand brings an out of proportion fear and even shaking. Once we realized this we were able to alter things greatly. Time in and thinking times and re-do's have been great. They have fostered trust and responsibility. 
* Boys need a lot of attention, or, rather supervision!

Attachment and Grief toddler/older:
You do not know and may never know the background of these children. If they have had a secure and healthy attachment to their birth mother through age 3 then they will likely have a healthy and secure attachment to transfer to you. You will have to earn it. This takes longer than with younger children. Once it is transferred you will enjoy a great relationship. We have one of these, it took about 1 year and is solid. If your child has only an insecure attachment/unhealthy or none at all, you will be starting from ground zero with this child. Not only will you have to earn them transferring their trust to you but you will have to teach them what a secure and healthy attachment looks like. This involves taking the child back through infancy steps of feeding, dressing and bottle, eye contact, high and intense nurture and dependence. We have one of these too. It is hard work, it is not fun and it is exhausting and sometimes downright discouraging. But, if you devote your all to it  you will succeed. We have come so far at a year and a half and expect that by 3 years we will have that secure and healthy attachment we are working toward with our son. And, he is NOT by any means a terrible child, not RAD (reactive attachment disorder), but he does not know what a healthy attachment is nor how to make one and he, at 3, had his way of living and not trusting down pat. The mind needs time to re form those malformed circuits and lots of re training. It is hard, but worth it. I have a bunch of stuff on attachment on the blog if you want to start there it will give you links and articles to start with. http://jkdcolorado.blogspot.com/p/attachment-and-bonding.html
*Four year olds are perceptive and can remember things that gave them joy and things that hurt them deeply, but they can not articulate it nor can they deal with it. They do not know it has effected them and you have to tell them what they are feeling and why and how to manage those feelings.  Example: our boys have opposite ways of showing they are feeling insecure. With our younger son, he gets really friendly and silly, seeking attention from others, he is also manipulative to control others. We had an out of town visitor. The boys met him once before. The first day he was here the boys were unruly and disobedient and wild. Normal boy behavior on the excessive side. I took them to preschool and told the teacher today may be bad. I picked them up and our youngest had sat in the thinking chair nearly the entire morning. I altered our time together back to the intense and deliberate first year stuff and they are fine now. They needed reassurance that it was all ok. They were great at school the next day.
* We use attachment terms with out boys on their level. This is how we do it: Strong boys can give and receive love, they give and get hugs and say I love you and receive I love you. Strong boys look right in the eyes when talking with someone. Strong boys tell the truth. Strong boys use their words to help not hurt. Strong boys use their hands/feet to help and not hurt. Strong boys are strong enough to obey. Strong boys control themselves not others. Etc.............If they show weak boy behaviors then they get to go practice strong boy behaviors. It works like a charm. They want nothing more than to be strong.

Behavior and Boys:
Do your reading on normal boy behavior. Basically what you will see with older/preschool/toddler boys is that attachment issues show up in exaggerated normal boy behavior. This makes it tricky to detect issues. It is important to detect and deal with it so that you do not have latent RAD come up when they hit age 9 or 10. Boys are a very different beast than girls. So, you will need to educate yourself on boy development up to age 4 or the supposed age of your child and a bit beyond, and know what is normal and not, etc... Go to play places and watch boys the age of your child to be. Tell parents there that you are adopting a 2-3-4-5-6 year old boy and in general they will answer any questions you may have and for the most part they will not spare you the dirty details of parenting a boy. Very helpful. If you attend a church you could volunteer for that age in the child care department for a few weeks. If you have girls only, it would be a really good idea to expose them to as many ill behaved boys of that age as possible before their brother(s) arrive. It is usually a big shocker for girls who have beforehand  had no brothers. Boys are full of wild energy and it CAN be directed and tamed. We have a book we love on raising boys. It is from a Christian perspective and I don't know where you fall with that so if it is not your cup of tea, just ignore this part. :) The book is called Wild Things. It is really great.

Preschooler boys (and somewhat girls):
*Preschoolers are moving OUT of the dependency and cuddly phase. You will have to force (playfully and gently :) this phase on them again with you as they need it for attachment. Their resistance to this may stem from a physiological rather than psychological stand point. So, be prepared for this and have your plan.
*The bond with dad comes naturally and needs to be tempered until the bond with mom is secure. That is hard for dads. The boys resist mom because they were hurt by mom leaving or dying and the female caregivers at the orphanage may not have helped out with a generous dose of nurture, not too nurturing really, and they did not stick around either. Preschool age makes this harder as they are physiologically ready to identify with dad and are done with the cuddle mom phase. It has to be repeated and dad must wait. This is HARD and worth it. The bond with dad will not suffer at all by doing this, but the bond with mom and therefore the child's lifetime of bonding ability will suffer if it is not done. Some mom's have told me that their biological boys are so loving....... that is great, still waiting for mine. I think we missed that stage by adopting them older. But, the do love mom and I can see that in the fact that they are thoughtful and that is wonderful. They learn and that is gratifying. They help and that is rewarding. I love my boys and you will love yours too.

Age of child:
If the referral is stating that these kids are 4, they may well be 5 or 6. If you are expecting a 7 year old, he could be 9. A two year old could be four, etc. Be sure you are willing to deal with that. After they have been home about 4 months you should be able to assess their ages with a few tools including the Ages and Stages questionnaire your pediatrician will have or you can find it on line. It is unlikely that they would be younger. At referral ours were said to be 2. We determined that they were actually almost 4 and just 3 when we picked them up. That is not terribly off. They are 8 months apart in age. The referral birth estimates and the birth dates on the adoption birth certificates were not even close to the same and we have altered them again at our validation. Your home study needs to say you can take children up to the age they may be because the court may change their age from the referral dates.

Boy competition:
Boys are competitive by nature. Two children the same gender will be even more competitive. This has been a difficulty for us and we have had to firmly and artificially establish a hierarchy based on age and implement things to secure that. We are also holding back the younger one in school because it would be disastrous to have them in the same grade.  You will need to consider what you are willing to do to help them each find their own identity apart from each other.  They are not naturally brothers, and have not had the advantage of getting to know each other from the birth of the younger one. All this has to be learned and it is not easy, it is retraining the brain.  In general the first few months you will have to deal with the male posturing and competing for alpha. It is crazy that you would have to deal with this at this young age but you DO, it is ridiculously real. The competition does not end there though. There is the vying for attention, the bigger item, the more something, the parents attention, etc.  Ok, my girls did all this but NOTHING like the boys. Testosterone is like steroids for all this normal kid behavior.

I am sure lots of you out there have boys and could add tons to this. Please feel free to do so in the comments!!!! The more information the better. If you have girls that would be a really helpful addition as this has a lot about boys and there are plenty of families looking for info on what a toddler/preschool age girl might be like.

Other resources on toddlers and preschoolers:

adopting a toddler
Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft  book
Toddler

adoption-attachment and infants (applicable to toddlers)
attachment check list by age 
http://www.ehow.com/toddler-adoption/