taking a look at your expectations

If you are considering adopting or are newly home with your child(ren) ---Please read this article on expectations.  It is really helpful.

Taking a New Look at Your Expectations

Posted: 27 Mar 2014 11:40 PM PDT

As adoptive and foster parents encounter challenges and struggles, many of them discover that much of their frustration and disappointment is rooted in their own unrealistic expectations.

Watch as Michael Monroe provides insight into the importance of realistic expectations and how by holding their expectations loosely, parents can actually begin to make progress toward greater healing and connection.

For more resources about motivations and expectations, click here.

This article is linked to and is from Empowered To Connect
You can subscribe at this link as well.

Attachement focus seminar

As important as it is there is never enough we can do to learn about and implement attachment for our kids. If you are recently home, soon to travel or just needing a little help or reminders about how to connect with your adopted kids, this is a seminar that would benefit you. 

This is what they say about the seminar:

The presentation will focus on the Circle of Security® Intervention for caregiver-child relationships, a prevention and early-intervention protocol that is thoroughly based on attachment theory and research.

The Circle of Security protocol has been found to be especially helpful for foster and adoptive parents, and for the professionals who support those placements. In a manner similar to this workshop, the intervention is especially effective because it uses review of videotaped parent-child interactions to coach parents in understanding the complex and often puzzling cues and behaviours used by foster and adopted children.

William Whelan Psy.D. will be the speaker for this two day event. 

Circle of Security Seminar
March 15 professionals, 8:30-4
March 16 parents and care providers 9-3
Anshutz Medical Campus
FREE
If your rsvp you will have a lunch provided for you.
You can get more information and the link to register through the following link. 

http://www.centralcoahec.org/circle.htm

Photos to send to your child

Photo books are a question everyone of us have to consider at some point in this process. What do we send? A lot of it depends on what your agency allows, so find out first. Second, you will need to determine what is appropriate for the age and ability of your child. Remember that kids in orphanages tend to be younger in some respects and older in others. They have not likely had experience with toys and photos. This makes them on the younger scale here.

There are a lot of cool options for kids of all ages.
For a child over the age of 5 you could:

1. Send a paper album like one you make on Snapfish or Photobucket and that sort of online photo storing and crafting site. A good binding is important because of use. Spiral bound pages may tear out more easily. 
2. You can make your own on Publisher or some such program, or use a digital scrapbook tool. You can take the file on a disk or zip/thumb drive to a printer and have it printed. Usually these are spiral bound but could be done as individual pages and put into a book with plastic sleeves.
3. You could make one your self in an actual album with slip in sleeves or creative memory style. I would strongly suggest using page protectors and taping the tops shut for retention. 
4. Laminate the photos with your words on the back of each photo, use fun paper. Put them on a ring and lanyard so your child can carry his or her new family with them everywhere.  Use wallet sized photos. You can have any photo printed in that size.

This is a photo of our son wearing his laminated photos on a ring on a lanyard.

For the toddler/preschool set you could:

1. Use any of the ideas from the baby set, all would be very appropriate, other than the cube which would turn into a ball. The Sesame Street albums linked at the end of the post are a cute idea for this age group.
2. The laminated photo idea from above.
3. I would suggest not using paper for this age group. Preschool maybe, but certainly not toddler.

For babies, there are TONS of great ideas out there.

1. The laminated idea from above NO lanyard. I would choose a plastic ring. 
2. You could even put the laminated photos into another album that is fabric or soft plastic.
3. You can make a fabric photo book. Or you can buy one. Amazon has tons of cute ones available. See links at end of post.
4. Vtech has a talking album that is super cool. If you are allowed this it is awesome. It lets your child learn your voice too. http://www.vtechkids.com/product/detail/1784/Record-and-Learn-Photo-Album
5. Fabric photo cube. This is cute and good for a baby or very young toddler. It does not require page turning and can be held. However, it is stuffed. Stuffed things are often discouraged and removed because they harbor germs, bacteria and bugs. They are hard to wash and dry adequately by hand. Check with the care center first before sending this otherwise very cool photo idea.

 http://www.amazon.com/World-Carle-Rattle-Kids-Preferred/dp/B003KN275U/ref=pd_sxp_grid_pt_2_0

 http://www.amazon.com/Taggies-Colours-Treasures-Picture-Cube/dp/B002T8MDK6/ref=pd_sxp_grid_i_0_1

Here are some links for some of the soft photo books on Amazon (I am sure other places have them too!) Most of them hold 4-6 photos behind a plastic cover.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_13?url=search-alias%3Dtoys-and-games&field-keywords=soft+photo+album&sprefix=soft+photo+al%2Ctoys-and-games%2C230

http://www.amazon.com/Genius-Baby-Toys-Gb-58500-First/dp/B000GKW6CE/ref=pd_sim_t_19

http://www.amazon.com/Dr-Seuss-Little-Soft-Memory/dp/B0015K2LUG/ref=pd_sim_t_9

http://www.amazon.com/Enesco-My-Family-Photo-Album/dp/B000GKW6CY/ref=pd_sim_t_3
(the one in the photo here, house album)

http://www.amazon.com/Manhattan-Toy-Photo-Family-Garden/dp/B002KLDUKO/ref=pd_sxp_grid_pt_1_0

http://www.amazon.com/Sassy-Earth-Brights-Wooden-Babys/dp/B000WB2F6E/ref=sr_1_6?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1330018359&sr=1-6
(photo to the right, with leaves)

http://www.amazon.com/Babys-First-Photo-Family-Friends/dp/B000Q7G3VM/ref=pd_cp_ba_0

http://www.amazon.com/Manhattan-Toy-202380-Whoozit-Photo/dp/B00067TZSK/ref=pd_cp_ba_2

This one holds 12 photos and the pages are tear resistant and soft!!! (Star album photo to the right.)
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31aR3DZt%2B6L._SL500_AA300_.jpg 

This one holds 20-36 photos and is a better idea for preschoolers or older toddlers as the interior pages are just the slip in plastic sleeves. Super cute!!!! Sesame street friends, photo to the right.
 http://www.amazon.com/Gund-Sesame-Photo-Albums-18/dp/B0042WK6KQ/ref=sr_1_11?s=toys-and-games&ie=UTF8&qid=1330020918&sr=1-11

There are a couple cute ones for the big brother and big sister if that applies to you. Good idea to get them used to the idea.These hold 12.
http://www.amazon.com/Enesco-Big-Brother-Photo-Album/dp/B000GKW6E2/ref=pd_sim_t_4

http://www.amazon.com/Enesco-Big-Sister-Photo-Album/dp/B000VJ3BA6/ref=pd_sim_t_6

Trauma workshop in Colorado Springs. Looks very helpful.

Early Registration Open Now!  CPCAN is excited to announce our 2012 Event Child Abuse Prevention Awareness Month     Featuring Dr. Bruce Perry

Thursday April 19, 2012 8:30am - 4:15pm Colorado Springs, Colorado (Specific location TBA)    Early Registration $40  if payment received by March 9 (Regular $50)     The Impact of Trauma on Child Development  Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.     Dr.  Bruce D. Perry is the Senior Fellow of The ChildTrauma Academy, a not-for-profit organization based in Houston (www.ChildTrauma.org) and adjunct Professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Northwestern University School of Medicine in Chicago.  Dr. Perry is the author of over 300 journal articles, book chapters and scientific proceedings and is the recipient of numerous professional awards and honors, including the T. Berry Brazelton Infant Mental Health Advocacy Award, the Award for Leadership in Public Child Welfare and the Alberta Centennial Medal. He has presented about child maltreatment, children's mental health, neurodevelopment and youth violence in a variety of venues including policy-making bodies such as the White House Summit on Violence, the California Assembly and U.S. House Committee on Education.   _________________________________________________________________________________________ Dr. Perry will be preceded by Karen Logan, Child Welfare Manager from the El Paso County Department of Human Services, who will present information about current child maltreatment issues.

 

Two Step Registration Process 

~#1 Pay then #2 Register~

Step 1.  Pay using PayPal "Buy Now" button below. (You do not need to have a PayPal account.) $40 Early, $50 after March 9 

Step 2.  When PayPal payment is complete click on "Return to CPCAN" and you will be directed you to the Registration Form.  Once you complete and submit this form you will be registered.

*Please note that refunds will not be given after March 9 and will be subject to $5 

processing fee.

_________________________________________________________

This looks like a great seminar. Useful for anyone adopting......... and anyone who deals with people in general.  It does not matter the age of the child you are adopting. You need to know about trauma!

Jill

Adoptive Families magazine offers free adoption guide!

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE ADOPTION APP

New to adoption or considering an additional adoption -- or know someone who is? AF's FREE Adoption Guide app is the perfect resource for anyone who wants to learn more about starting out on adoption journeys. Get instant access to the best of AF and the best how-to-adopt tools -- right on your iPhone, iPod touch, or iPad.   

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This is a wonderful resource and perfect for anyone who is starting out in the world of adoption. This is a gift from Adoptive Families magazine. Visit them on line at:  http://adoptivefamilies.com/

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Subscribe to the NEW ISSUE of Adoptive Families for a FREE ISSUE and get a BONUS GIFT, Growing Up Adopted!

 

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We'd love to hear from you!Twitter.com/AdoptionCircle Facebook.com/AdoptiveFamilies

synopsis of process to adopt

Here is a link to a blog with a great synopsis of the process to adopt a child. You may like to review this for yourself or share it with friends and family who are waiting with you. Either way, check it out and know you are in large company of others doing the same thing. Welcome.
See the synopsis on this wonderful blog:
My Faraway Daughter

Names

Names. What is in a name and what to do about it. Common questions for adoptive parents.

What does your child's Ethiopian name mean?
Here are some sites to help you determine the meaning of your child's name. Try Ethiopian, Amharic, Eritrean names when you have the option to search.
Some are under construction, but should be back up soon, so check it again if it does not work now.
Best sites:
http://ethiopia.limbo13.com/index.php/ethiopian_names/
http://myethiopianame.bravehost.com/
http://www.aacasa.org.au/meanings-of-ethiopian-names.html

Other sites:
http://www.baby-names-and-stuff.com/ethiopian-baby-names/
http://www.top-100-baby-names-search.com/meanings-of-ethiopian-names.html
http://babynamesworld.parentsconnect.com/category-ethiopian-names.html
http://www.babynamescountry.com/origins/ethiopian_baby_names1.html
 
Here you can purchase your name meaning and translation and written for you:
http://www.ethiotrans.com/ethiopian_names.htm

How did my child get his or her name?

1. First name is the name given by a parent or significant caregiver.This name usually has significance. A child is named for a blessing, hope or promise, a character trait they hope the child will have or a saint or holy name. Example: Muluken means good day. A translation from an Ethiopian man I met says that this name has a deeper meaning. It means, "the day I got all I ever wanted or dreamed of". This is a name for a boy, a father counting his blessings on the day his son is born. What a great name! 
2. Second name is the name of the child's father. This keeps track of who they belong to, their line of heritage. 
3. Most kids will also have a third name which will be their grandfather on their father's side name. In some places they will add more in order to trace the family line. In adoption papers rarely is the third or fourth or beyond name mentioned or recorded. An older child may or may not be aware of those names. 
4. Your child's name gives him or her roots. This is very important. 

Site and blog that do a good job explaining names and naming:
http://www.aacasa.org.au/meanings-of-ethiopian-names.html
 http://ianfamily.blogspot.com/2010/01/ethiopian-names-and-meanings.html

What about nick names?
 A child may or may not know his or her full name. Nick names are common.

1. You will often find a shortened version of the name. For example: Nateneal or Natan is usually Nati. Muluken is Mulu. Freiwhat is Frei. Abigel is Abi.
2. A child may also be called the name for little sister, youngest brother, sweet tiny one, my son, or another such enearing name. The child may actually believe that is their name. 
3. In English we often add an y on the end of a name for a term of endearment. This is also the case in Ethiopia. It is a bit different but is similar in concept. Yay or y/e/i  is often added to the end of a name. Example: Kedus would be Keduse. Nateneal is Nati. So the name can be shortened and add the fondness syllable or just have it added to the end of the full name.

Changing a name? Good or Bad?

• This is a very personal decision. One that deserves a great deal of thought and sensitivity. 
• If your child is an infant he or she could likely more easily adapt to a new name. 
• An infant found may have a name given to them by police instead of relatives. 
• If your child is older they are likely attached to their name, but may express a desire to have a name from you, an American name or a name that represents their new life. Some kids don't. 
• Your child has lost everything except their name. I will strongly suggest that you keep it as part of their name, first or middle.  A name is usually very important. 
• A name may have an unacceptable connotation or nick name when heard in English. This is sensitive as we do not want to take the name and also do not want to see the child have issues because of it.  Example: Nati is heard like naughty. This is not really a great connotation. The nick name is easily adjusted to Nate. Name kept. Others are not so easy. 
• There are many factors, your own personal comfort level being one of them. Are you proud of your child's heritage?  
• Fitting in is very superficial when it comes to names. Kids learn each others name by hearing. Teachers are quick learners. A name that goes with the family is something, but not everything.  Feeling like part of the family may start with the name but it certainly does not stem from the name. Feeling like part of the family is really deeper than a first name. The name could help. Maybe.
• Despite the articles and fears of having a different sounding name, some of the most successful people in our day and age have unique names. Think of the current president, sports stars, actors and actresses, musicians, tech wizards, etc. No longer are Jane or John the standard. Even names that are common are spelled or altered in ways that keep you guessing. Khrystyne, Britni, Sofi, Davin, Zakari. Even some of the old standards are so unique they seem new. Linleigh (boy), Hattie, Dagney, Bracken, Theoran, Hildy. We have a number of immigrants who give their kids great names of their heritage. Krish, Anu, Zorah, Mishka, (Y)Jana, Marisha, Niklas, Zari. Not to mention all the names parents make up to be unique. There is no such thing as a truly American name. It is the melting pot after all. So, throw in a Mulu and a Frei. So, I guess I am not buying the "a funny name will put them back in their career" idea. Sure, maybe in the past, maybe to some degree now (certainly waning a great deal), but in the future, no, I don't think so. I mean really, our president is Barack Obama. How different is that from Kedus Khaliqi?

http://www.aacasa.org.au/articles/adopt--but-don-t-turn-ming-into-a-kylie.html

So, go with what you feel you need to do, with what your child needs regarding his or her name. Think carefully, weigh all the options. Make your choice and be sure of it.

The Connected Child

This weekend we attended the Empowered to Connect conference in Denver. It was wonderful. We are big fans of the book, The Connected Child by Dr. Karen Purvis. 

We have found many of the ideas in here very useful for all of our kids. I am going to give some personal advice on here. I do not usually do that, I tend to favor giving you tons of information and letting you decide what to do with it. However, with this one..... I think every adoptive family needs this book. I feel that if you have kids in your home you should read this book and implement it with the kids you have before you add new children to the home. Then it is all in place for your kids who are on their way to your family, and you are all practiced up and your kids now won't be asking you why you are doing it different with  the new siblings. I do not think this is strictly a parenting technique for adopted kids but rather what all kids can benefit by. I love this book it is really great. It works for us and we have the diverse kids over here, ha, don't we all!

This book talks about the basic connection your child needs and why it is broken and how to fix it. It gives you ways to implement basic and really important things like: obey the first time, be respectful, no hurts, calm and gentle actions and voice, asking for what you need, etc.

Did you know that your child will mirror the type of attachment style you have? If you have a secure attachment style this will come easier for them, if you have an insecure attachment style then they too will exhibit this type of attachment. How do you know what your style is? Some self examination is in order to find out your attachment style. It is probable that in all your training you have actually had some sort of "ah-ha" moment regarding your own attachment style, grief process and well, all sorts of connections to your child hood events and why you do what you do now. If not, maybe it is time. Dr. Purvis encourages parents to seek out their own story and embrace it and grow from it. She said over and over if you as the parent have not done significant healing of your own you will not be able to lead your child to healing. Here at our house, we can attest to this as truth. Never fear, now is not too late. As you change and grow so will your child. Healing begets healing.

You can also access this information in video clips on Empowered To Connect.
You can buy the videos from TCU.

I strongly suggest that you make this the top priority in reading and implementing BEFORE you bring your child home. And, if you did not do it before, well get it now and start doing this. It is a wonderful tool.

bedroom decore - a random thought

So, I was thinking today about what I would do differently if we were planning for our boys after referral and court. One really random, but important thing is their room decor. Being that they were 3, that not infant/ not big boy stage, I choose a zoo theme. I painted big faces of animals in frames on the wall, put a jungle animal border up and made their blankets jungle/zoo animal theme. I did only the basic as I figured they would outgrow this theme soon enough. What I did not know is that they were going to be terrified of animals and have an aversion to anything soft and cuddly since they had never been exposed to it before. I am sooooo thankful I did not paint any lions, to which they were terrified and started crying and screaming over. In truth it took them a year before they were interested in any stuffed animals, of which I actually sat down and MADE many special ones to go with the room theme (one of those was a lion). I used the Pottery Barn kids ideas from a catalog that year and made the animals in it and painted the paintings on the walls. Ok it is really cute and great looking....... but not so great for the boys. I would have been much better off with a car theme.

Kids from Ethiopia are often afraid of animals and don't really know what to do with stuffed animals. Oh, I know there are always exceptions, but still, I would stay away from animal themes. I do know that most boys have a fascination with autos and planes, and they are familiar. So, either would be a good pick. If I were just starting and knew about he animal thing..... I would choose to paint road signs and traffic lights on the walls, paint or buy a border of a street with cars on it.  I would give them one of those semis that holds a ton of matchbox cars. I would paint their names on street signs. And......... they would not be afraid of it, they would think it was heaven.

Maybe that is what we will change the theme to when they do outgrow the zoo, which they have now become accustomed to and like. :) Just a thought.

Ethical Adoption

Interested in Ethical adoption practices. Is your agency ethical? Is the country ethical in the way it is handling adoptions? If you are interested in learning more about ethics in adoption Ethica is the site for you. It is brimming with wonderful and insightful articles and has pages specific to different countries. See their page on Ethiopia here. I know right now there are a lot of questions about what is going on in Ethiopia, is my adoption "safe", is my agency safe? This is a great resource and I wanted to be sure to share it with you.

This site is current and up to date and will give you honest information you can count on. 

Process in Ethiopia for court and embassy, etc.

This was posted on a parent group and came from an adoption agency. It is great information on how court works and the process you can expect in general on the Ethiopia side. It is very much like what I know to be true and so I have decided to post it here for the masses of waiting parents to peruse to their own encouragement and edification. :) I have added the first section for further clarification.

Your dossier is sent to Ethiopia
The staff working with your agency will translate your dossier into Amharic. Your paperwork will wait to be attatched to the dossier of the child you are referred. Once referral is made the dossier of the child is attached to yours and it then goes on for the rest of this process.

Obtaining a Court Date
After a family receives a referral, it could be approximately one month or longer before your documents are filed for a court date. Keep in mind that no officials have received or reviewed your dossier in Ethiopia until you have accepted a referral. After you have officially accepted your referral is when dossiers are processed in order to obtain a court date and approval from the Ministry of Woman's Affairs (MOWA) and the Ethiopia Federal Court. After the required dossier documents are submitted for a court date, it could take another month to receive that date. Once the date it given, the actual court date is approximately 2 months later. These timelines are not set in stone and can be longer or slightly shorter, but this is a general/approximate estimate of the timelines, and what we are seen in several cases.

The judge in the Ethiopia Federal Court assigns court dates and dates are given based on her schedule; keep in mind also that other agencies families are waiting on court dates as well, and there could be upwards of 70 families waiting for a court date on any given day. Typically the time frame from referral acceptance to travel for the 1st trip is 3-4 months. Each adoption case is individual and can look very different in regard to time lines, therefore you cannot solely rely on what another family's time frame has been. It's a good base to use, but not as an absolute guideline to how your process and time lines will go. There are many things that are out of the control of our Ethiopia in country staff and is completely in the control of the federal court or other entities processing various steps for the adoption once your dossier is submitted. The key here is to remain flexible and to know that it is the process.

Waiting for Visa Interview Date
Once your adoption has been approved in the court, there are many things that have to take place before you can be issued a visa interview date.

The adoption decree has to be created. Again, one judge writes all of the adoption decrees. This could take 1 day or 7 days – depending on the judges schedule.

The child's birth certificate has to be created. This could take 3 days, or sometimes more
The child's passport has to be created. Could take up to 7 days for this to be completed

Child has to go for a visa medical, and children 2 years old and over are given a TB skin test at the visa medical.
If it's determined that the child tests positive for TB, the child will have to return for a chest x-ray. If active TB is found, the child will have to remain in country for a extended period of time for more testing and treatment.

All of the documents obtained after the court approval must be submitted to the US Embassy 2 weeks before a visa interview can be held.

After documents are submitted to the US Embassy, a review is done on the child's documents and the parents I-171H cable and home study and the officials decide if any further investigations are needed into the background information of the child. If so, this could delay confirming a visa interview date as the embassy officials will have to go out into the region of where the child was relinquished or abandoned to conduct such an investigation and it could take, a couple of days, a couple of weeks or even months.

Tentative visa interview travel dates that families receive after court approval are not confirmed by until the US Embassy has let us know that everything is complete on the family and child. That is generally approx. 1 ½ weeks prior to travel, if everything goes like clockwork.

A word to the wise on groups, blogs and your privacy

This was just brought up on one of the groups I am on. It is not the first time and certainly not the last. Pre-adoptive parents join these groups to get information and support. They feel a sense of safety with these on line friends. Parents create blogs and post events in their adoption along with some very personal stuff. They want to share with others they love and care about like family and friends. They want to be helpful to adoptive parents coming along behind them looking for resources and answers. They want to get answers and encouragement when things are hard or frustrating. Good intentions. Good perspective. Good purpose. Sadly not all the members of these groups and followers of blogs are "friends" and not all are even adoptive or pre-adoptive parents. The truth is that there are some agencies who are unscrupulous and have "their people" on group sites and surfing blogs and facebook (etc) in order to look for "problems" with their families and to "defend" or control information regarding their own agency. They also use this as a recruiting tool. Many times they are in "spy" mode. That is to say they are not using their real name or are pretending to be an adoptive or pre adoptive parent. Some agencies are more notorious for this. Some agency reps are not in spy mode and are up front about their presence, this just seems more honest to me. Many groups do not allow anyone who works for an agency to be a member. Lots of people keep their blogs private before the adoption is final and many still after. Agency specific networks are often maintained by staff of the particular agency. Some are parent led but still have staff members as moderators. Some staff members are adoptive parents themselves and are on these boards or have helped to create them.  Others don't allow their own staff on the parent boards at all. Not all agencies are unscrupulous and not all will sneak around to learn stuff about you. Not all agencies have such a bad rep underground that they feel the need to control deceptively.  In fact, I think most don't. With all this in mind it is very important to be aware of this when posting. And, be careful which agency you do end up choosing. Unfortunate, but real.

researching adoption agencies
choosing an agency
questions to ask an adoption agency
how to choose an agency questionnaire 

Adoption Exchange articles/ adoption booklet/getting started/while you wait/ choosing an agency

I just got a great informative email from Adoption Exchange. It features articles for parents to be.
I am linking to their pages here for your convenience.

Steps to adoption
read about it, join adoption groups in your area, talk to other adoptive parents, choosing an agency, what kind of adoption is right for you............... 
Adoption booklet
PDF full of great information in depth from the above article. 
while you are waiting,
things to learn about: read about potential issues, attend adoption classes and seminars, locate and contact schools and what they provide, health care providers, mental health providers, parent support groups, etc.
choosing an agency tips for where to look for information, questions to ask and all about funding.

Birth family meetings

Everyone has their own feelings on meeting birth family members. It could be really stressful, emotional or awkward. Stories I have heard run the gamete. Birth mothers and fathers ceremonially giving their children to the new parents, prayer, good wishes, letters for the child, etc..... all the way to it was awkward, and they demanded money. For most, the experience lands somewhere in the middle.

Different agencies have different policies on meeting birth families.Some have you wait until after the US Embassy appointment, others after court only, others still, after you have picked up your child for the final time and will keep him or her with you indefinitely. Some don't even want you to meet them at all. You will have to abide by your agencies preferences. Ethiopia's official stance, as far as I can gather, is that it is ok to meet birth relative AFTER you have taken custody of the child and that there be NO money exchanged in any way.Of course no matter what your situation, it is really up to the birth family if they want to meet you. You can request or not request, but if they want to or do not want to meet, then that is what will happen. (per your agency rules).

Meeting a family member can be beneficial for your history records for your child. They will inevitably want to know something about their personal history. We all want to give our children as much as we can and with Ethiopia, that is often very very little.

In case you have the opportunity to meet a birth relative of your child you may like to have some questions ready for the occasion.I would suggest taking these with you at every outing. We asked to meet a birth relative. We assumed we would be given the yes or no and if yes a date and time. We did not expect that that person would be waiting for us when we picked up our children! I did not have my questions and was so flustered with everything new and different, and jet lag that I did not have my normal ability to think on the spot. Much of what I wanted to know is lost forever, if it was even knowable. Take your questions with you just in case! Identify your critical questions ahead of time in case your time is short or emotionally draining.

Here are mine:

Things I want to know about my sons:

(Some of this you may know from your referral. Of course you can verify what you have been told)
you can ask about translations of words, dates, meanings, etc. A lot of this can also be done on line after you are home. Get your criticals asked before you run out of emotional steam on both ends.

Name:

Meaning

Who gave it to him

Situation

any thing significant about his birth or time of his birth

date of birth at best guess

place of birth
what was the child like as an infant

tribe of child's ancectors
tribal markings or traditions still kept
religion of family

Family information and names, anything known

Region he is from, city name where born
what was his or her home like

Family History social and medical

Did he live with family or only in the orphanage

siblings?

what was his relationship with birth mother/father like

how did mother and father meet

married when and where, what was that like
names of as many family members as possible, parents, grandparents, siblings, uncles

are they still married/separated/divorced/death of one or both parent

does the child know and have an idea about this situation
cause of death

why adoption
hopes for the child to be shared with child
happy or favorite stories to be shared with the child about family or self

What age did  he come to the orphanage

Under what circumstances did he arrive

What was his physical condition when he came

How long did it take him to adjust to the new situation, any new situation, new teachers, etc.

Medical history of family

Birth details

Infancy, any information,

Early childhood, any information

home life details

parents work

Social history

What does he like to eat

To do

Who is his friend

Who is his favorite nanny/teacher

What is he good at

Is there any textures of food or clothing that bother him,

Sounds or smells?

Does he like soft or firm touch

Does he like to be held

Does he tend to go full force ahead or is he more cautious

What is his sleep routine/habits/schedule

What does he do to show displeasure or that he is upset

Does he come to an adult when hurt or upset

Does he tell stories, tell about experiences, ideas, etc

How does he relate to other children his age

To younger children

To older children

To adults

To strangers

To animals

What is it that seems to be the thing that upsets him most

Does he share his feelings

Is he happy or sullen or contemplative

Does he play alone or with others mostly

how does he play with others

What is his educational status

Can he read

Do math

Write

Etc.

How much does he know in English

What language does he speak mostly

Is he obedient

Is he compliant

Can  he stand up for himself

is he willful or stubborn

Schedule?

Talents?

Names of friends and caretakers

Videos series for adoptive parents- Karyn Purvis

Here is a link to a video series on Vimeo you can watch on line. There are 41 videos on promoting attachment with your adopted child and being a healthy adoptive family, thrive. Karyn Purvis (The Connected Child) is the main speaker here. This is a resource of Tapestry Adoption and Foster Care Ministry of Irving Bible Church in Irving Texas. There is another branch of this ministry at Watermark Church in Dallas.
Have fun listening.

You can also find these videos at TCU Institute of Child Development site. This is Texas Christian University where Dr. Karyn Purvis (above) works. There are more resources on their site too. Here is a little about the Institute:

Mission Statement Our Mission is research, training, and outreach dedicated to the needs of families with at-risk children.

Brief History

The TCU Institute of Child Development (ICD) is a newly formed Institute (2005) created as a Vision-In-Action initiative supported by Chancellor Boschini at Texas Christian University. We are a part of the Center for Applied Psychology, within the College of Science and Engineering. The ICD is an outgrowth of the Hope Connection, developed by Dr. David Cross and Dr. Karyn Purvis in 1999.

Other than this video series you can find on here; Healing for Families DVD series and
Various webinars and conferences for families and professionals. Be sure to check it out!

In response to the fear of adopting the older child --- what if's?

In response to the recent news flashes on Russian adoption..............
>
> I just want to say a few things from experience, research and experience of
friends and family. Please understand that I am not meaning to be graphic here,
but without understanding and education and tools for intervention - any of us
could become a statistic as well. I would not like to see that happen, so in the
effort to keep it realistic I am giving you some of my thoughts and findings on this.

1. First I want you all to know that I DO NOT FEEL THAT THERE IS ANY REASON TO FEAR adopting an older child. No, fear is not a good response. Understanding and education YES.

2. Yes, Eastern European children in institutions do tend to have more severe
issues, including RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). Children from these institutions are often lacking stimulation and touch. This is a problem for development and attachment. There are many other factors.

3. We know that the situations and environment in Ethiopia are not the same as in Eastern Europe. Even China is different. I bet Vietnam and Guatemala are different too. But different does not mean that Ethiopia (or anywhere) is immune from similar issues, including RAD. Children are held in Ethiopia and experience a rich palette of sensory stimulation, sensory issues do not seem to be as prevalent. They hear talking and are spoken to, delays here are not as prevalent. Children generally have a high value placed on them. The family structure is important. That does not mean that they are treated with the respect and love we would associate with that value here. It is not western, first world standards, it is southern hemisphere, third world standards. It is just different. Keep in mind the effort to just survive let alone thrive.

4. Physical and sexual abuse is certainly found in Ethiopia for both boys and girls. Sexual
activity with peers happens, as well as abusively with non peers. You might not hear about this, but it is part of the culture. That does not mean every child experiences this, it does not mean yours has or will. It just means, be aware that it is out there in case your child has been effected by this. Educate yourself to deal with it for your sake and theirs.

5.  I KNOW that the issues we face adopting from Ethiopia are different than those adopting from Eastern Europe and even China, etc..... But, we are not without our potential problems. RAD comes to us from every continent. Abuse (even once, even a little) changes everything for a child's trust. Things may arise after time, things you never knew, things that are sad or horrific. Sometimes they don't remember them, but they act on them. Not that they are going to hurt anyone (sometimes it does happens) but they are hurting inside. Most of the time we never know what our child has seen or experienced in life before they come to us.

6. You as a parent are doing the best job you can when you learn all you can
and expect that you will have a child who has experienced some level of trauma
and you learn how to walk with them through it to healing. If you learn about
it, you can spot it, deal with it and help your child be an over-comer and not
succumb to RAD or other attachment issues or behaviors. It does not have to ruin
your life -or theirs, but it will change you forever as it will your child and the rest of your household. Saying "this won't happen to me" is not going to help you or your child. Maybe you won't experience this, but it is better to plan like you will and have the resources and not need them, than to not plan and be caught empty handed with a serious need. Parenting this child is different than parenting a biological child. There are ample resources to learn from. Take advantage of them.

7. There are great resources out there. Read all you can. Get familiar with a variety of books and therapy options. Get your plan of attachment action in place before you go. Get your back-up in place. Get your network in place. No matter what level of trauma your child comes to you with you are going to need a plan to succeed. And succeed you can!

8. If you are of a mind to read more articles on abuse, Try some of these:
http://muse.jhu.edu/login?uri=/journals/northeast_african_studies/v008/8.1tadele\
.html
> http://gvnet.com/childprostitution/Ethiopia.htm
> http://www.crin.org/violence/search/closeup.asp?infoid=18107
> http://www.oakfnd.org/activities/2005/childabuseethiopia.php
> http://www.child-hood.com/index.php?id=703
> http://www.anppcan-eth.org.et/
>
9. If you want to learn about attachment:
look it up on Amazon here
Older child adoption
posts on attachment
book list
google it

More than anything be encouraged, be empowered, do not despair or worry.

If you share my faith you can be reassured that if God is calling you do this, he has made a way. He will give you the strength to do any hard thing he is setting before you and you will be changed and he will be glorified. Not, that it will be easy or without pain or hardship, but he can take you through it and he can heal your child. It is called a faith-walk of trust. Go forth without fear.

Everyone Can Make A Difference

There are a lot of ways that a family or individual can help children and families in Africa and Ethiopia. You can sponsor a child for education and wellness; you can sponsor a family so they can keep their children; you can help a kid go to college; a person with HIV live a productive life and care for his or her family; train a family in child care and health care; help a parent gain education; educate a community for health; sponsor kids in an orphanage for education and wellness; provide a well giving clean water to an entire community; send books so that kids can enjoy the wonder of reading. The beauty of it is you get to choose! Here is a list of organizations we have looked at.

• African Widows and Orphans
• AHOPE
• Camfed-educating girls in Africa
• Children's Haven
• Children's Hope Chest
• Christian Alliance for Orphans
• Christian Alliance for Orphans blog. Plus links
• Compassion International
• Deborah House
• Dutton Family Foundation
• Ethiopian Orphan Relief
• Fields of Promise
• Heart For Ethiopia
• Hope For children
• Hope, food for starving children
• MTW
• Saint's Coffee
• SIM
• Tom Davis' Blog
• World Orphans 
• Soverign Grace church in Addis 
• Beza International ministries, Ethiopia 
• Ethiopia Reads
• Drawn From Water

Book Review: The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis

I picked up a copy of The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis after hearing a lot about it. It is a great book with lots of great information and practical solutions. It is easy to read and does not go into lots of technical or medical language. It uses terms and ideas your average parent can relate to, grasp and put into practice. I would highly recommend this book for parents who have adopted kids at any age. The only complaint I would have is so very minor, it does not really give ideas for what your child should be doing or how to decide if the child's behaviour is attachment related or not. Nancy Thomas has this in her books and so, again, I still recommend that you have a variety of books in your library for your own resource. Even without that, The Connected Child is one of the best books I have read, it is a must have in my opinion. In addition this book has a lot of great solutions and ideas that work for kids who have other complexities such as Asperger's Syndrome or other neurological differences which cause them to have similar symptoms of a child with attachment issues. I would say this is truly a book for a child who is wounded by family or biology. Below are some links you can use to investigate and buy this great book.

The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis 
you can listen to a broadcast by her on Family Life Today here
or check out the web site here and another one here
Apparently there are many videos of her on line if you google Karyn Purvis you can watch some. 

Tracking the Process

*DONE-Application: We have applied and been accepted with IAN International Adoption Net in Denver, CO. (3-16-08).

* DONE-Home Study: Home visits and papers done (as of 4-12). FBI fingerprints & CBI turned in 3-27, CBI received 4- 15, FBI received 5-2 (lag due to downed system). Home study submitted for state approval 5-8, approved 5-15-08.

*DONE-The Dossier state certified 5-2-08 and submitted to IAN.

*DONE-IAN sent the dossier for a lot of roller coastering in Washington DC on 5-13/ received back 5-16-08

*SENT- Dossier to Ethiopia 5-19-08. RECEIVED and translated. At the ministry by last week of May! In process with MOWA.

*RECEIVED-preliminary referral received May 1, 2008!!!! (7 weeks from when we signed up with our agency.) Three very cute and charming little three year old boys!!!! -sorry no photo or info posting allowed at this time. Waiting on extra MOWA paper work on one of them, not possible for us at this time, we dropped his referral and take this as a sign from God that his family waits for him elsewhere. We know which two boys!!! 5-27 Case is going to court already! WOW!
ACCEPTED- 6-6-08

*SET! Then court date IS SET for June 23!!! PASSED June 23rd also! WOW! The adoption decree is now translated and new birth certificates are issued. Visa applied for with passport.

*DONE-submit our immigration papers I600A for the boys and wait for that to come back. Estimated wait of 6-8 weeks. Has been taking 4-6 for many lately. Submitted 5-23-08. Fingerprints done 6-6-08
RECEIVED I171H-July 14, 2008, also received confirmation from the National Visa Center 7-28-08. Sent to Addis last week.
RECEIVED the visa 37 confirmation 7-31-08 only DAYS before we travel Aug 4.

*Embassy date: August 13th!!!
The invitation to come get our kids with the setting of an Embassy date. Accomplished no problems!

*Travel date: We leave on the jet plane August 4 and Lord willing return the 18th. We are going to meet those boys of ours on August 6th. WOW! Accomplished as planned!

*Classes: We have started our Adoption classes (24 hours required by the state of CO). 3 of 5 completed/ next on line (half way done) and one more in Denver.

*Adoption Tax Identification Number applied for mid January 2009 and received April 10, 2009 - just in time for taxes.

* State adoption validation: DONE! Submitted March 25th. Appointment July 10! Name and birth dates changed successfully. 6-10-2009

*State Birth Certificate: received Oct 27th 2009

* Citizenship:  Received for N in February 2010, still waiting on K applied at the same time-- Kedus received his in April 2010. finished

* Social Security numbers: Applied Jan 18, 2011. Nate received his Feb. 14. Still waiting on Kedus'

* passports: do we really need this?

Sensory Processing Disorder

Sensory Processing Disorder is the new term for the same condition that used to be called Sensory Integration Disorder. SPD is the more common term today.

This is a disorder being diagnosed more often in today's medically aware climate. It is not that it did not previously exist in the same levels as it does today, we are just a more medically savvy culture and diagnoses are more likely with knowledge. That is a good thing. For one, it helps us all succeed and it also lessens the narrowness of normal. No, indeed, normal is becoming broader and broader as we grow in knowledge. I sure do appreciate that!

My biologcial kids have SPD in varying forms. You would never guess. Success is sweet if you take the time to do the work. But, the reason for this post is that many many adopted kids deal with forms of SPD. Some come to it genetically, some by environment. An orphange is really no place for a child. No matter how great the facility or love for the kids, there just are not enough hands or anything to go around. Kids are effected by this at a time when their neuro sensory systems are developing. If you understand it you can help  your child overcome it.
Here are some great resources regarding Sensory Processing Disorder:
Books:
Books

The Out-Of-Sync Child : Recognizing and Coping With Sensory Integration Dysfunction by Carol Stock Kranowitz. ISBN: 0399523863. The first section of the book is on recognizing SI dysfunction and includes a long checklist of characteristics of it. The second part is on coping with it. There are entire chapters in each on the vestibular sense.

Making Sense of Sensory Integration (Audio Cassette & Booklet) by Jane Koomar, Stacy Szklut, Sharon Cermak, David Silver. ISBN:1893601269. Three articulate and reassuring occupational therapists answer the most frequently asked questions about SI - a subtle, hidden neurological problem that can have a huge impact when it prevents a child from enjoying just being a kid.
Relationship of Learning Problems and Classroom Performance to Sensory Integration by Marie Di Matties, Quirk. ISBN: 9991105417. The book presents each sensory sytem by defining it and describing behaviors associated with hyperactive and hypoactive responses of that system. It contains short chapters structured to reflect a hierarchical relationship between sensory registration, sensory processing, "higher level" sensory integrative skills, and ultimately, abstract thinking and academic skills.
Teachers Ask About Sensory Integration by Carol Kranowtiz, Stacy Szklut, Stacey Szklut, Carol Stock Kranowitz, Carol Kranowitz Stacey Szklut. ISBN: 1893601293. A companion product to "Making Sense of Sensory Integration". Carol Stock Kranowitz interviews expert occupational therapist Stacey Szklut about how to teach children with sensory integration problems. This full-length audio tape includes narration by public health physician Dr. David Silver. A 60-page companion booklet includes classroom checklists, idea sheets, sensory profiles, and extensive resources customized for the classroom teacher.

The Goodenoughs Get in Sync: A Story for Kids about the Tough Day When Filibuster Grabbed Darwin's Rabbit's Foot and the Whole Family Ended Up in the Doghouse--An ... Introduction to Sensory Processing Disorder (Hardcover)

~ Carol Stock Kranowitz

Carol Stock Kranowitz (Author)

› Visit Amazon's Carol Stock Kranowitz Page

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Web sites:
SPD and adopted kids and more
The development of neuro sensory system
check list for SPD  another list and a check list for adults and adolecents
what is SPD and more about it
What you should know
Signs and symptoms of SPD more signs and symptoms of SPD
SPD in the classroom and schools
How to help my child with SPD, on the above sites and these also:
learning, etc.
good activites

Where to buy sensory products like weighted blankets, vests, toys and comfort items.

• http://www.achievement-products.com/Product/ProductList.aspx?category=115&src=categorynavigation1
• http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=sensory+integration+products&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=8116263819&hvpos=1t3&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=19818287681005053889&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&ref=pd_sl_4huuvd5e4r_b
• http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-integration-products.html
• http://www.sensoryinterventions.com/