If you watch your child closely regarding the cycle of the year, you will likely notice that your child has certain mood swings that are associated with certain months, maybe a particular week or set of days or even a certain day. Whether you mention it or not your child has a subconscious memory of some very significant things. Abandonment, arrival at the orphanage, they day you came to get them. These are all traumatic experiences. There may be other events which trigger reactions that come out of "nowhere". No, your child is most likely not going to remember, be able to identify what has triggered this behavior, or know anything about what happened. It is long gone from his or her conscious memory. It does not really matter what age your child was adopted at. Infant, toddler, preschooler, older child (who will likely remember but still not know why the behavior), all kids have had at least these three traumas, and it will come up in some way at some time. Some kids are more easily upset or act out regularly at these times. Some kids only have these issues when something else triggers at the same time of year. Say your child came home in August. School starts in August. So, that is hard on two fronts, but you can easily attribute certain behaviors to the change they made when they joined your family. It is exacerbated by school starting. The month your child was abandoned may have no other major change in it or regular stressor. It could go by with minor behaviors. But, one year Mom and Dad go on a weekend trip together that same month, and you have done it before but a different month, your child freaks out more than you expected. Abandonment triggered. Not that you are doing anything wrong or unusual, just a trigger, and yet, not JUST.
So, what are you looking for? Well that is as unique as your child. It could be that your child is more needy, attention grabbing, snugly, rejecting of you or others. You could notice an increase of nervous activity, fear, bed-wetting, bad dreams, acting out at school, bossy or controlling behavior, or melt downs and tantrums.
What to do? Extra attention and reassurance is the best place to start. However, before we realize what it is, we are most likely to come down on them for this "sudden" bad or annoying behavior. Just the opposite of what they need. In some cases it works to actually sit down, have a little chat about your child's early life. Read his or her life book together, talk about feelings. Use a feelings picture page to allow him or her to share feelings. Other times they just need extra reassurance that you are there for them, never leaving, safe, secure, etc.
This time of year is probably something you should discreetly mark in your calendar or alerts, just to give yourself the clue to be a bit more gentle than usual. Remember that the seemingly sudden disruption from your child actually means something and they need something from you. As they grow older, they need to know what it is, where it comes from and what to do about it.
What is it? Sometimes called a body memory, sometimes called simply subconscious memory of a traumatic event.
Where does it come from? Those feelings of being left, ...........of being overwhelmed with all the kids, will my needs be met? I must care for myself and trust no one, etc..... Who are these people, can I trust them? Here we go with another change, will I be ok? Do i have to take care of myself here too? Can I feel is it ok? Fear, uncertainty, rejection, etc.
What to do about it? Tell yourself the truth. That was hard, it was sad, it made me feel............. This happened to me, it was real, it was not ideal..................... When my parents came I was afraid, I had all these feelings. That is ok, it is normal. My parents love me. I did not have to take care of myself anymore. I am safe. I have a family who loves me and cares about me and what I do and think and feel. It turned out good. In the article linked to in Subconscious memory it tells about the benefit of telling the story and putting it into conscious memory so that it can be reformatted and dealt with. The theory is that it can then be put into perspective and the person can deal with it in a healthy way.
Recognizing this as real validates the experience of the child and helps them to grow beyond it and from it and become a person who can function in the today.
_______________________________
Facial expressions charts:
smilies
feelings chart
feeling chart and wheel
the two above are very useful for checking in to see how your child is at more volatile times.
_______________________________
A disclaimer.
I post a lot of links. I do so because I feel that the particular page has good information and much to offer. I do not necessarily support all that each site has to say. I trust you to sift the links for information you feel is worthwhile to you.
Showing posts with label abuse?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abuse?. Show all posts
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Myth regarding Ethiopian children and RAD
I recently answered a question regarding the myth populated by who knows who regarding Ethiopian children and RAD and attachment difficulty. Basically, I hear this a lot from lots of people: "Ethiopians love their kids so they don't have RAD or attachment problems". This is a myth. This is my response to the question asking if this is true.
Good to be thinking this through before you take the plunge. It is true that children who come to their families through adoption generally have some significant challenges. Each country has it's unique characteristics. While there are similarities in the struggles children coming from the same country have, there are always those who do not fill that same pattern. There are generalized ideas out there about different parts of the world and their orphan care and the subsequent issues the child is likely to face when in their forever home. You are likely well aware of these ideas.
The fact is that children everywhere struggle with attachment and can indeed have RAD. The way they struggle may look different. A child from Russia may have been deprived of physical contact and suffer from being easily over stimulated, among other issues and situations. A child from Ethiopia may have been carried on their mother from day one to the time they are orphaned or able to walk around. That same child may suffer malnutrition, may have seen violence or experienced it. That child may have been required to work at a very young age. He may have been shuffled around to various relatives and neighbors where who knows what happened to him. Many things that are cultural norms. These things have their own disadvantages and present their own unique and equally upsetting challenges when the child comes to their forever home in the Western world, a major cultural norm shift. An orphanage is no place for a child, no matter where it is there are negative effects from being in one. Even if the child we adopt was loved (and treated well by western standards) by his birth-mother there is a break. Trauma of death or relinquishment, trauma of the orphanage (even if it is a "good" one), trauma of being adopted (yes that is a trauma -separated from family of origin permanently, from culture, language, familiar everything). The younger the child the less trauma, the older the child the greater the possibility is that they have suffered additional traumas. Contrary to popular opinion Ethiopia has it's fair share of abuse and trauma to a child. Poverty is a catalyst for a lot of hard things including abuse. The thing about it is that they value children and family, so we get thrown off here by westernizing those values. Standards of what is acceptable are different than what we would feel appropriate here. Each time a child is hurt it breaks their cycle of trust and the more you experience the more you shut down, the harder it is to give and receive love. Yes, it happens, even in Ethiopia.
There is a yahoo group dedicated to parents of adopted Ethiopian kids who have RAD. It is not a small group and they are not all older adoptees. It is good to be aware of this but it is not really a reason to run away. Rather it is a good reason to learn all you can and prepare to parent a hurt child. If you have already adopted you are likely quite familiar with all the attachment parenting and related ideas and maybe everything I have said here. I would say, just be an aware parent. No matter where you child is born he or she has suffered trauma of one sort or another. Your child needs to have her circle of attachment mended. You are her catalyst to healing. No matter where she is from she will grieve; be angry; be confused; reject; regress; need loads and loads of reassurance and love, nurturing love and stick with it love, from you. If you are ready for this you will do the best you can, and we can only hope the child will too.
If you are interested in stats and papers on abuse in Ethiopia you can check out an earlier post on this with links to papers, journals and stats on this issue.
Good to be thinking this through before you take the plunge. It is true that children who come to their families through adoption generally have some significant challenges. Each country has it's unique characteristics. While there are similarities in the struggles children coming from the same country have, there are always those who do not fill that same pattern. There are generalized ideas out there about different parts of the world and their orphan care and the subsequent issues the child is likely to face when in their forever home. You are likely well aware of these ideas.
The fact is that children everywhere struggle with attachment and can indeed have RAD. The way they struggle may look different. A child from Russia may have been deprived of physical contact and suffer from being easily over stimulated, among other issues and situations. A child from Ethiopia may have been carried on their mother from day one to the time they are orphaned or able to walk around. That same child may suffer malnutrition, may have seen violence or experienced it. That child may have been required to work at a very young age. He may have been shuffled around to various relatives and neighbors where who knows what happened to him. Many things that are cultural norms. These things have their own disadvantages and present their own unique and equally upsetting challenges when the child comes to their forever home in the Western world, a major cultural norm shift. An orphanage is no place for a child, no matter where it is there are negative effects from being in one. Even if the child we adopt was loved (and treated well by western standards) by his birth-mother there is a break. Trauma of death or relinquishment, trauma of the orphanage (even if it is a "good" one), trauma of being adopted (yes that is a trauma -separated from family of origin permanently, from culture, language, familiar everything). The younger the child the less trauma, the older the child the greater the possibility is that they have suffered additional traumas. Contrary to popular opinion Ethiopia has it's fair share of abuse and trauma to a child. Poverty is a catalyst for a lot of hard things including abuse. The thing about it is that they value children and family, so we get thrown off here by westernizing those values. Standards of what is acceptable are different than what we would feel appropriate here. Each time a child is hurt it breaks their cycle of trust and the more you experience the more you shut down, the harder it is to give and receive love. Yes, it happens, even in Ethiopia.
There is a yahoo group dedicated to parents of adopted Ethiopian kids who have RAD. It is not a small group and they are not all older adoptees. It is good to be aware of this but it is not really a reason to run away. Rather it is a good reason to learn all you can and prepare to parent a hurt child. If you have already adopted you are likely quite familiar with all the attachment parenting and related ideas and maybe everything I have said here. I would say, just be an aware parent. No matter where you child is born he or she has suffered trauma of one sort or another. Your child needs to have her circle of attachment mended. You are her catalyst to healing. No matter where she is from she will grieve; be angry; be confused; reject; regress; need loads and loads of reassurance and love, nurturing love and stick with it love, from you. If you are ready for this you will do the best you can, and we can only hope the child will too.
If you are interested in stats and papers on abuse in Ethiopia you can check out an earlier post on this with links to papers, journals and stats on this issue.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Difficult Adoption
Hi all,
I just wanted to let you know that there is a new upcoming blog out there that is totally dedicated to adopting the hurt child. This blog will have resources, stories and helps for those difficult times in any adoption. What do you do, how do your respond, what is my next step, what resources are out there for me????? I have great hopes that this blog will be a useful and helpful one for everyone in those sometimes common and sometimes rare instances when any adoption is difficult.
Check them out here.
http://difficultadoption.wordpress.com/
I want to let you know too that there is a book associated with this blog and author!!!!! It looks good too. Check out This Means War by Cheryl Ellicot at: http://www.sweetwaterstill.com/thismeanswar.htm
I just wanted to let you know that there is a new upcoming blog out there that is totally dedicated to adopting the hurt child. This blog will have resources, stories and helps for those difficult times in any adoption. What do you do, how do your respond, what is my next step, what resources are out there for me????? I have great hopes that this blog will be a useful and helpful one for everyone in those sometimes common and sometimes rare instances when any adoption is difficult.
Check them out here.
http://difficultadoption.wordpress.com/
I want to let you know too that there is a book associated with this blog and author!!!!! It looks good too. Check out This Means War by Cheryl Ellicot at: http://www.sweetwaterstill.com/thismeanswar.htm
Friday, February 25, 2011
What about Disruption?
With the number of kids coming home from Ethiopia, an older kids at that..... the number of disruptions and the fact that it does happen more often than expected, is seeping out of hiding to take it's place in the reality of adoption from anywhere.
I want to share with you an inspirational story of a family who adopted a child from a disruption. No, not from Ethiopia, but I could find stories on that too. (maybe another post). I found this to be a great story, not hiding the hard, but a good story of truth and hardship. Check out Wanted.
I also thought I would mention that the Adoption Exchange and Rainbow Kids and Colorado Coalition of Adoptive Families (also look at the resources tab for COCAF) have a lot of resource. If you have a kid who has come from hard places and you are struggling and so is your child, check out these resources.
Of late I have notice a lot of posts on various sites on this topic and helps offered from those who have dealt with it. Some of those suggestions have included: respite care; therepy for grief, trauma, abuse, abandonment, RAD, etc; neurofeedback; residential treatment/care; residential situations where the child is out of the home at a school that can deal with the child's special needs and home on weekends. Just some ideas to put out there. I actually know of families who have done each of these things and some multiple.
A note for parents starting the adoption process.
I would highly and strongly suggest that you get in writing the policy of your selected adoption agency (or make it part of your inquiry before deciding) for potential disruptions. Not that any of us plan on this or expect it, but what if. You want to know your agency has a contingency plan, is able to provide help with hard cases, can make a re placement for the child if needed or offer resources for help, therapy, etc, and offer resources for respite care while you re group. Your home-study agency should also have resources for helping you with post placement issues as well as possible disruption. Be sure to ask. If your adoption agency or home-study agency does not or can not do this, then you can make your own plan, gather the resources available in your area. This is your circle to which you can turn in case of severe trauma, abuse, RAD. You can get all the help you can before deciding to disrupt, to hopefully prevent it. Of course it does happen, and you need to have the right resources in place. This is really important.
I want to share with you an inspirational story of a family who adopted a child from a disruption. No, not from Ethiopia, but I could find stories on that too. (maybe another post). I found this to be a great story, not hiding the hard, but a good story of truth and hardship. Check out Wanted.
I also thought I would mention that the Adoption Exchange and Rainbow Kids and Colorado Coalition of Adoptive Families (also look at the resources tab for COCAF) have a lot of resource. If you have a kid who has come from hard places and you are struggling and so is your child, check out these resources.
Of late I have notice a lot of posts on various sites on this topic and helps offered from those who have dealt with it. Some of those suggestions have included: respite care; therepy for grief, trauma, abuse, abandonment, RAD, etc; neurofeedback; residential treatment/care; residential situations where the child is out of the home at a school that can deal with the child's special needs and home on weekends. Just some ideas to put out there. I actually know of families who have done each of these things and some multiple.
A note for parents starting the adoption process.
I would highly and strongly suggest that you get in writing the policy of your selected adoption agency (or make it part of your inquiry before deciding) for potential disruptions. Not that any of us plan on this or expect it, but what if. You want to know your agency has a contingency plan, is able to provide help with hard cases, can make a re placement for the child if needed or offer resources for help, therapy, etc, and offer resources for respite care while you re group. Your home-study agency should also have resources for helping you with post placement issues as well as possible disruption. Be sure to ask. If your adoption agency or home-study agency does not or can not do this, then you can make your own plan, gather the resources available in your area. This is your circle to which you can turn in case of severe trauma, abuse, RAD. You can get all the help you can before deciding to disrupt, to hopefully prevent it. Of course it does happen, and you need to have the right resources in place. This is really important.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Attachment issues and Ethiopia
In response to the Russian issue:
http://www.slate.com/id/2250590/?Gt1=38001
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/ct-met-0414-russian-adoptions-20100414,0,4803691.story
I just want to add a few things from experience, research and experience of friends and family. Please understand that I am not meaning to be graphic here, but without understanding and education and tools for intervention any of us could become a statistic as well. I would not like to see that happen, so in the effort to keep it realistic and the hopes that all adoptive families THRIVE, here are my thoughts on the latest issues in international adoption and how they relate to Ethiopian adoption:
1. Yes, Eastern European children in institutions do tend to have more severe issues, including RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder).
2. Ethiopia is not immune from similar issues, including RAD. Children are well cared for BY ETHIOPIAN STANDARDS until they are about 3-5. After that.... well, things that we would consider unacceptable are the norm there.I am not going to go into detail here, ask your older kids. Mine were 3 when they came home and they can tell me.
3. sexual abuse is wide spread in Ethiopia for both boys and girls. Sexual activity with peers is common for children over the age of 10-12.
4. Sure children in Eastern Europe are not accustomed to being held. They have more sensory deprivation issues for sure. They are undernourished and often have illnesses and disabilities due to cultural practices and neglect. They also have institutional abuse and family of origin abuse in numerous ways. Children in Ethiopia have fewer sensory deprivation issues, they are used to a rich array of sensory stimulation including being held. They are NOT immune from the effects of institutionalization or from the abuse that can occur there at the hands of caregivers and older children. They can also come from abusive family backgrounds. It is a possibility we have to acknowledge.
5. I know A LOT of families with kids from Ethiopia. I have two! :) I have heard too many stories about abuse and neglect and the effects of malnutrition and under-nutrition. I see it in my own sons (adopted at 3). I know that the issues we face adopting from Ethiopia are different than those adopting from Eastern Europe and even China, etc. Each country has it's own set of social ills and standards. But, we are not without our potential problems. Things arise after time, things you never knew, things that are sad or horrific. Sometimes they don't remember them, but they act on them. Not that they are guaranteed-going to hurt anyone (sometimes it DOES happens) but they are hurting themselves inside. A hurt child does tends to hurt others.
6. You as a parent are doing the best job you can when you learn all you can and expect that you will have a child who has experienced some level of trauma and you learn how to walk with them through it to healing. If you learn about it, you can spot it, deal with it and help your child be an over-comer and not succumb to RAD or other attachment issues or behaviors. It does not have to ruin your life -or theirs, but it will change you forever. Knowing the truth and the possibilities of what your child may have encountered in their life before you will give you power to help them succeed. Don't be in the dark. Look through this blog. You can find lots of resources to start you on a journey of education that will help your child stop hurting inside.
7. If you are of a mind to read more articles regarding what your child *may* have experienced before their life with you. Try some of these:
http://muse.jhu.edu/login?uri=/journals/northeast_african_studies/v008/8.1tadele.html
http://gvnet.com/childprostitution/Ethiopia.htm
http://www.crin.org/violence/search/closeup.asp?infoid=18107
http://www.oakfnd.org/activities/2005/childabuseethiopia.php
http://www.child-hood.com/index.php?id=703
http://www.anppcan-eth.org.et/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory
Respectfully,
Jill
http://www.slate.com/id/2250590/?Gt1=38001
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/ct-met-0414-russian-adoptions-20100414,0,4803691.story
I just want to add a few things from experience, research and experience of friends and family. Please understand that I am not meaning to be graphic here, but without understanding and education and tools for intervention any of us could become a statistic as well. I would not like to see that happen, so in the effort to keep it realistic and the hopes that all adoptive families THRIVE, here are my thoughts on the latest issues in international adoption and how they relate to Ethiopian adoption:
1. Yes, Eastern European children in institutions do tend to have more severe issues, including RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder).
2. Ethiopia is not immune from similar issues, including RAD. Children are well cared for BY ETHIOPIAN STANDARDS until they are about 3-5. After that.... well, things that we would consider unacceptable are the norm there.I am not going to go into detail here, ask your older kids. Mine were 3 when they came home and they can tell me.
3. sexual abuse is wide spread in Ethiopia for both boys and girls. Sexual activity with peers is common for children over the age of 10-12.
4. Sure children in Eastern Europe are not accustomed to being held. They have more sensory deprivation issues for sure. They are undernourished and often have illnesses and disabilities due to cultural practices and neglect. They also have institutional abuse and family of origin abuse in numerous ways. Children in Ethiopia have fewer sensory deprivation issues, they are used to a rich array of sensory stimulation including being held. They are NOT immune from the effects of institutionalization or from the abuse that can occur there at the hands of caregivers and older children. They can also come from abusive family backgrounds. It is a possibility we have to acknowledge.
5. I know A LOT of families with kids from Ethiopia. I have two! :) I have heard too many stories about abuse and neglect and the effects of malnutrition and under-nutrition. I see it in my own sons (adopted at 3). I know that the issues we face adopting from Ethiopia are different than those adopting from Eastern Europe and even China, etc. Each country has it's own set of social ills and standards. But, we are not without our potential problems. Things arise after time, things you never knew, things that are sad or horrific. Sometimes they don't remember them, but they act on them. Not that they are guaranteed-going to hurt anyone (sometimes it DOES happens) but they are hurting themselves inside. A hurt child does tends to hurt others.
6. You as a parent are doing the best job you can when you learn all you can and expect that you will have a child who has experienced some level of trauma and you learn how to walk with them through it to healing. If you learn about it, you can spot it, deal with it and help your child be an over-comer and not succumb to RAD or other attachment issues or behaviors. It does not have to ruin your life -or theirs, but it will change you forever. Knowing the truth and the possibilities of what your child may have encountered in their life before you will give you power to help them succeed. Don't be in the dark. Look through this blog. You can find lots of resources to start you on a journey of education that will help your child stop hurting inside.
7. If you are of a mind to read more articles regarding what your child *may* have experienced before their life with you. Try some of these:
http://muse.jhu.edu/login?uri=/journals/northeast_african_studies/v008/8.1tadele.html
http://gvnet.com/childprostitution/Ethiopia.htm
http://www.crin.org/violence/search/closeup.asp?infoid=18107
http://www.oakfnd.org/activities/2005/childabuseethiopia.php
http://www.child-hood.com/index.php?id=703
http://www.anppcan-eth.org.et/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory
Respectfully,
Jill
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Wonder if your child has experienced any form of abuse?
When you adopt a child who is older or toddler age there is often a time when you wonder if your child has experienced any form of abuse. Sometimes it comes after you have had your child home for a number of years. Stop It Now is a great web site providing information on various forms of abuse, what is normal behavior and what is not normal. It also tells you what to do to help your child and family. We all want our kids to be healthy and when they start out life away from us, sometimes they need help to overcome even things they don't remember in order to be a healthy child and grow to be a healthy adult. The best time to start is now.
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