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Showing posts with label Attachment and Bonding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Attachment and Bonding. Show all posts
Friday, May 31, 2013
Local opportunities this summer- Denver, CO
Thursday, April 25, 2013
The Dark Matter of Love
The Dark Matter of Love
A movie you can download and watch regarding adoption and the tricky issue of love.
I am intrigued by this and am interested to see what it says. Maybe you would like to do so as well.
Here is the post from Rainbow Kids:
The Dark Matter of Love
A movie you can download and watch regarding adoption and the tricky issue of love.
I am intrigued by this and am interested to see what it says. Maybe you would like to do so as well.
Here is the post from Rainbow Kids:
The Dark Matter of Love
Heard about it yet? This documentary is making waves in the adoption community. Watch a trailer, download the movie, and read an interesting commentary on Huff Post. I'll be watching as well.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Attachment: Why it matters. New DVD by Empowered to Connect.
Posted: 15 Nov 2012 11:46 AM PST
Dr. Karyn Purvis and the Institute of Child Development have released their latest DVD entitled Attachment: Why It Matters.
This new DVD explores the
critical role of attachment in a child’s development. Most of us think
of attachment as a loving bond between parent and child. But, what
happens if a child doesn’t get nurturing, consistent care from a loving
parent early in life? Can a parent love a child or a child love a
parent, but still not feel securely connected? And what are the
consequences of insecure attachments?
In this 2-disk set, adoptive
parents share their struggles and successes in pursuit of answers to
these all-important questions. Specifically, they point to their
willingness to make sense of their own attachment histories as the key
to helping them become better parents. In addition, experts (such as Dr.
Karyn Purvis, Dr. David Cross, and Dr. Dan Siegel) share fascinating
and encouraging research, particularly in the field of neuroscience,
that reveals how secure attachments can help counter the effects of
early trauma. Secure relationships can promote new brain growth and
biologically improve a child’s ability to regulate his or her emotions
and behavior. Furthermore, secure attachments dramatically shape a
child’s sense of security and how well a child learns to trust – for the
rest of his or her life.
This new DVD has over three hours of content and is being offered by the Institute at a special introductory price of $45 for a limited time (Regular Price $65). Click here to order your copy of Attachment: Why It Matters today!
Watch the trailer below for a peek at Attachment: Why It Matters.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
End of school = feelings of abandonment ?
The end of a school session, whether for a short break or summer vacation, can bring a load of feelings to the surface for any child. Some kids are just so glad that school is out they give little thought to what they will miss about it. Summer or any break is the best! Other kids love school and are sad to go for a variety of reasons, missing friends, a good teacher, fear of the unknown of next year, slow adjusters to change, etc. These are all very normal for any child. For an adopted child there may be one added reason to be sad school is over, abandonment. What? Oh, it may not be the case for every kid, nor even the majority, but for some, this is as real as school itself.
I recently had the opportunity to sort this out with one of my own, trying to put myself in his shoes for a while. Imagine that you once lived with a loving family who (for whatever reason is apt to your child) sent them to a facility with a lot of children and a few grown ups (orphanage but also school), you now have grief which translates into fear of going to school at all, anxiety and nervous energy with no real good outlet. Oh, no you say, my child asked to go to school, he loves it. Yep, so did mine, sometimes it works, other times, not so well. That desire came from the hopes and dreams painted for them by those adults in Ethiopia. When you go to America you will go to school, lucky child! Or maybe from seeing older kids go and the natural desire to be like older siblings. This often translates into some anxiety that seems to stem from no where. Abandonment. Ok, so we get to the end of the year, our child understands his permanence in our family, no longer worried about school. Just in time, school is out and he crashes in a heap of tears and sadness. What? Is this attachment? Does he love is teacher more than mom? Is he just overly sensitive to change, etc? Well, maybe yes, but more likely no. Abandonment. Yep, remember he once lived at a place full of kids and a few grown ups. Then it was his turn to go with his forever family, leaving what he had finally somewhat adjusted to and he never saw any of them again.............. subconscious abandonment, will this happen this time too? No, not this time. But, what if you move? This child could relive his trauma again and will need you to explain that it is ok to grieve, ok to feel sad, to cry and say what he is afraid of. You can remind him that in the midst of change that is every so hard, good still comes. Look for it and be glad when it comes. Love lives in your heart forever even when you are not with those who you love.
Ok, so your child has been home a year or two and this has not come up. So, we are all good, home free, right? Maybe. Maybe not. This happened for our little one, for the first time, after four years home. You never know when those old feelings and scars will pop back up to stir things up. You never know, be prepared, eyes wide open. Talk openly when/if they come up and things settle a lot faster. No, I don't think it is feeding them ideas, I think it is giving words to feelings that are buried so deep they are like a big cloud of confusion. Name it, talk about it, it becomes manageable.
I recently had the opportunity to sort this out with one of my own, trying to put myself in his shoes for a while. Imagine that you once lived with a loving family who (for whatever reason is apt to your child) sent them to a facility with a lot of children and a few grown ups (orphanage but also school), you now have grief which translates into fear of going to school at all, anxiety and nervous energy with no real good outlet. Oh, no you say, my child asked to go to school, he loves it. Yep, so did mine, sometimes it works, other times, not so well. That desire came from the hopes and dreams painted for them by those adults in Ethiopia. When you go to America you will go to school, lucky child! Or maybe from seeing older kids go and the natural desire to be like older siblings. This often translates into some anxiety that seems to stem from no where. Abandonment. Ok, so we get to the end of the year, our child understands his permanence in our family, no longer worried about school. Just in time, school is out and he crashes in a heap of tears and sadness. What? Is this attachment? Does he love is teacher more than mom? Is he just overly sensitive to change, etc? Well, maybe yes, but more likely no. Abandonment. Yep, remember he once lived at a place full of kids and a few grown ups. Then it was his turn to go with his forever family, leaving what he had finally somewhat adjusted to and he never saw any of them again.............. subconscious abandonment, will this happen this time too? No, not this time. But, what if you move? This child could relive his trauma again and will need you to explain that it is ok to grieve, ok to feel sad, to cry and say what he is afraid of. You can remind him that in the midst of change that is every so hard, good still comes. Look for it and be glad when it comes. Love lives in your heart forever even when you are not with those who you love.
Ok, so your child has been home a year or two and this has not come up. So, we are all good, home free, right? Maybe. Maybe not. This happened for our little one, for the first time, after four years home. You never know when those old feelings and scars will pop back up to stir things up. You never know, be prepared, eyes wide open. Talk openly when/if they come up and things settle a lot faster. No, I don't think it is feeding them ideas, I think it is giving words to feelings that are buried so deep they are like a big cloud of confusion. Name it, talk about it, it becomes manageable.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Mark Beal Colorado Springs area therapist
I know a few families who have used Mark's services at various times. All have wonderful reviews to give of him. I would suggest checking his office out if you are in need of a therapist for adoption or challenging issues with your kids.
http://www.advancedparenting4kids.com/bealm.html
Mark C. Beal, M.S.W., L.S.W., has a unique perspective working with challenging children. He views challenging children through the lens of a foster and adoptive parent, and as a mental health professional. He is a licensed social worker practicing in his own agency, The Child Attachment and Recovery Enterprise (C.A.R.E.), Inc. In addition, Mark sees challenging children through the personal lens of being an adopted child himself who has successfully completed a Master’s degree.
Mark’s passion is to equip parents with tools to meet the unique needs of challenging children. He speaks from experience and from the heart.
Mark is excited about teaching, training, and supporting parents with challenging children. He has given presentations on how to cope with difficult, defiant, and/or diagnosed children to school districts, colleges, child placement agencies, residential treatment facilities, parent support groups, mental health professionals, and foster/adoptive parents.
Mark received his Master’s degree from the University of Denver in Family Therapy and Trauma. He interned as a counselor in a school-based clinic and as a therapist in a county drug and alcohol clinic. He also has worked as a Mental Health Technician at a psychiatric hospital and residential treatment facility supporting teens and children diagnosed with RAD, ODD, Bipolar Disorder, Conduct Disorder, ADHD, and also with those teens and children who are sex offenders.
Mark is an experienced presenter as he has worked as a professional actor/director for twenty-three years. He lived internationally for over nine years, including two years supervising teens on drama teams traveling throughout Australia, New Zealand, Papua, New Guinea, Pakistan, and India. Mark moved to Colorado Springs, Colorado, in 1991, to supervise the drama teams traveling throughout the Rocky Mountain Region. Mark, and his wife of 25 years, continue to live with their three adoptive children in the Colorado Rocky Mountains.
Mark is now a certified trainer for Advanced Parenting for Challenging Children. If you are interested in contacting Mark to ask questions or schedule an Advanced Parenting seminar, his address is:
Mark C. Beal, M.S.W., L.S.W.
The Child Attachment and Recovery Enterprise (C.A.R.E.), Inc.
P.O. Box 25184
Colorado Springs, CO 80936
(719) 338-3537
mark.beal.msw@comcast.net
http://www.advancedparenting4kids.com/bealm.html
Mark C. Beal, M.S.W., L.S.W., has a unique perspective working with challenging children. He views challenging children through the lens of a foster and adoptive parent, and as a mental health professional. He is a licensed social worker practicing in his own agency, The Child Attachment and Recovery Enterprise (C.A.R.E.), Inc. In addition, Mark sees challenging children through the personal lens of being an adopted child himself who has successfully completed a Master’s degree.
Mark’s passion is to equip parents with tools to meet the unique needs of challenging children. He speaks from experience and from the heart.
Mark is excited about teaching, training, and supporting parents with challenging children. He has given presentations on how to cope with difficult, defiant, and/or diagnosed children to school districts, colleges, child placement agencies, residential treatment facilities, parent support groups, mental health professionals, and foster/adoptive parents.
Mark received his Master’s degree from the University of Denver in Family Therapy and Trauma. He interned as a counselor in a school-based clinic and as a therapist in a county drug and alcohol clinic. He also has worked as a Mental Health Technician at a psychiatric hospital and residential treatment facility supporting teens and children diagnosed with RAD, ODD, Bipolar Disorder, Conduct Disorder, ADHD, and also with those teens and children who are sex offenders.
Mark is an experienced presenter as he has worked as a professional actor/director for twenty-three years. He lived internationally for over nine years, including two years supervising teens on drama teams traveling throughout Australia, New Zealand, Papua, New Guinea, Pakistan, and India. Mark moved to Colorado Springs, Colorado, in 1991, to supervise the drama teams traveling throughout the Rocky Mountain Region. Mark, and his wife of 25 years, continue to live with their three adoptive children in the Colorado Rocky Mountains.
Mark is now a certified trainer for Advanced Parenting for Challenging Children. If you are interested in contacting Mark to ask questions or schedule an Advanced Parenting seminar, his address is:
Mark C. Beal, M.S.W., L.S.W.
The Child Attachment and Recovery Enterprise (C.A.R.E.), Inc.
P.O. Box 25184
Colorado Springs, CO 80936
(719) 338-3537
mark.beal.msw@comcast.net
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Attachement focus seminar
As important as it is there is never enough we can do to learn about and implement attachment for our kids. If you are recently home, soon to travel or just needing a little help or reminders about how to connect with your adopted kids, this is a seminar that would benefit you.
This is what they say about the seminar:
Circle of Security Seminar
March 15 professionals, 8:30-4
March 16 parents and care providers 9-3
Anshutz Medical Campus
FREE
If your rsvp you will have a lunch provided for you.
You can get more information and the link to register through the following link.
http://www.centralcoahec.org/circle.htm
This is what they say about the seminar:
The presentation will focus on the Circle of Security®
Intervention for caregiver-child relationships, a prevention and
early-intervention protocol that is thoroughly based on attachment
theory and research.
The Circle of Security protocol has been found to
be especially helpful for foster and adoptive parents, and for the
professionals who support those placements. In a manner similar to this
workshop, the intervention is especially effective because it uses
review of videotaped parent-child interactions to coach parents in
understanding the complex and often puzzling cues and behaviours used by
foster and adopted children.
William Whelan Psy.D. will be the speaker for this two day event.
March 15 professionals, 8:30-4
March 16 parents and care providers 9-3
Anshutz Medical Campus
FREE
If your rsvp you will have a lunch provided for you.
You can get more information and the link to register through the following link.
http://www.centralcoahec.org/circle.htm
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
CCOPARC Conference Deadline February 15, 2012!
This looks like a good conference. This year it is on strengthening family attachments and relationships.
Check it out fast, the deadline is fast approaching! Feb 15!
Check it out fast, the deadline is fast approaching! Feb 15!
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Saturday, January 21, 2012
Subconscious Memory and annual acting out
If you watch your child closely regarding the cycle of the year, you will likely notice that your child has certain mood swings that are associated with certain months, maybe a particular week or set of days or even a certain day. Whether you mention it or not your child has a subconscious memory of some very significant things. Abandonment, arrival at the orphanage, they day you came to get them. These are all traumatic experiences. There may be other events which trigger reactions that come out of "nowhere". No, your child is most likely not going to remember, be able to identify what has triggered this behavior, or know anything about what happened. It is long gone from his or her conscious memory. It does not really matter what age your child was adopted at. Infant, toddler, preschooler, older child (who will likely remember but still not know why the behavior), all kids have had at least these three traumas, and it will come up in some way at some time. Some kids are more easily upset or act out regularly at these times. Some kids only have these issues when something else triggers at the same time of year. Say your child came home in August. School starts in August. So, that is hard on two fronts, but you can easily attribute certain behaviors to the change they made when they joined your family. It is exacerbated by school starting. The month your child was abandoned may have no other major change in it or regular stressor. It could go by with minor behaviors. But, one year Mom and Dad go on a weekend trip together that same month, and you have done it before but a different month, your child freaks out more than you expected. Abandonment triggered. Not that you are doing anything wrong or unusual, just a trigger, and yet, not JUST.
So, what are you looking for? Well that is as unique as your child. It could be that your child is more needy, attention grabbing, snugly, rejecting of you or others. You could notice an increase of nervous activity, fear, bed-wetting, bad dreams, acting out at school, bossy or controlling behavior, or melt downs and tantrums.
What to do? Extra attention and reassurance is the best place to start. However, before we realize what it is, we are most likely to come down on them for this "sudden" bad or annoying behavior. Just the opposite of what they need. In some cases it works to actually sit down, have a little chat about your child's early life. Read his or her life book together, talk about feelings. Use a feelings picture page to allow him or her to share feelings. Other times they just need extra reassurance that you are there for them, never leaving, safe, secure, etc.
This time of year is probably something you should discreetly mark in your calendar or alerts, just to give yourself the clue to be a bit more gentle than usual. Remember that the seemingly sudden disruption from your child actually means something and they need something from you. As they grow older, they need to know what it is, where it comes from and what to do about it.
What is it? Sometimes called a body memory, sometimes called simply subconscious memory of a traumatic event.
Where does it come from? Those feelings of being left, ...........of being overwhelmed with all the kids, will my needs be met? I must care for myself and trust no one, etc..... Who are these people, can I trust them? Here we go with another change, will I be ok? Do i have to take care of myself here too? Can I feel is it ok? Fear, uncertainty, rejection, etc.
What to do about it? Tell yourself the truth. That was hard, it was sad, it made me feel............. This happened to me, it was real, it was not ideal..................... When my parents came I was afraid, I had all these feelings. That is ok, it is normal. My parents love me. I did not have to take care of myself anymore. I am safe. I have a family who loves me and cares about me and what I do and think and feel. It turned out good. In the article linked to in Subconscious memory it tells about the benefit of telling the story and putting it into conscious memory so that it can be reformatted and dealt with. The theory is that it can then be put into perspective and the person can deal with it in a healthy way.
Recognizing this as real validates the experience of the child and helps them to grow beyond it and from it and become a person who can function in the today.
_______________________________
Facial expressions charts:
smilies
feelings chart
feeling chart and wheel
the two above are very useful for checking in to see how your child is at more volatile times.
_______________________________
A disclaimer.
I post a lot of links. I do so because I feel that the particular page has good information and much to offer. I do not necessarily support all that each site has to say. I trust you to sift the links for information you feel is worthwhile to you.
So, what are you looking for? Well that is as unique as your child. It could be that your child is more needy, attention grabbing, snugly, rejecting of you or others. You could notice an increase of nervous activity, fear, bed-wetting, bad dreams, acting out at school, bossy or controlling behavior, or melt downs and tantrums.
What to do? Extra attention and reassurance is the best place to start. However, before we realize what it is, we are most likely to come down on them for this "sudden" bad or annoying behavior. Just the opposite of what they need. In some cases it works to actually sit down, have a little chat about your child's early life. Read his or her life book together, talk about feelings. Use a feelings picture page to allow him or her to share feelings. Other times they just need extra reassurance that you are there for them, never leaving, safe, secure, etc.
This time of year is probably something you should discreetly mark in your calendar or alerts, just to give yourself the clue to be a bit more gentle than usual. Remember that the seemingly sudden disruption from your child actually means something and they need something from you. As they grow older, they need to know what it is, where it comes from and what to do about it.
What is it? Sometimes called a body memory, sometimes called simply subconscious memory of a traumatic event.
Where does it come from? Those feelings of being left, ...........of being overwhelmed with all the kids, will my needs be met? I must care for myself and trust no one, etc..... Who are these people, can I trust them? Here we go with another change, will I be ok? Do i have to take care of myself here too? Can I feel is it ok? Fear, uncertainty, rejection, etc.
What to do about it? Tell yourself the truth. That was hard, it was sad, it made me feel............. This happened to me, it was real, it was not ideal..................... When my parents came I was afraid, I had all these feelings. That is ok, it is normal. My parents love me. I did not have to take care of myself anymore. I am safe. I have a family who loves me and cares about me and what I do and think and feel. It turned out good. In the article linked to in Subconscious memory it tells about the benefit of telling the story and putting it into conscious memory so that it can be reformatted and dealt with. The theory is that it can then be put into perspective and the person can deal with it in a healthy way.
Recognizing this as real validates the experience of the child and helps them to grow beyond it and from it and become a person who can function in the today.
_______________________________
Facial expressions charts:
smilies
feelings chart
feeling chart and wheel
the two above are very useful for checking in to see how your child is at more volatile times.
_______________________________
A disclaimer.
I post a lot of links. I do so because I feel that the particular page has good information and much to offer. I do not necessarily support all that each site has to say. I trust you to sift the links for information you feel is worthwhile to you.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Trauma workshop in Colorado Springs. Looks very helpful.
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Two Step Registration Process
~#1 Pay then #2 Register~
Step 1. Pay using PayPal "Buy Now" button below. (You do not need to have a PayPal account.) $40 Early, $50 after March 9
Step 2. When PayPal payment is complete click on "Return to CPCAN" and you will be directed you to the Registration Form. Once you complete and submit this form you will be registered.
*Please note that refunds will not be given after March 9 and will be subject to $5
processing fee.
_________________________________________________________
This looks like a great seminar. Useful for anyone adopting......... and anyone who deals with people in general. It does not matter the age of the child you are adopting. You need to know about trauma!
Jill
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Empowered to Connect Conference, two locations
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Presented by
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Learn more at the following websites:
www.empoweredtoconnect.org www.showhope.org
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Beyond Consequences offering a two day training for families with out of control, aggressive, and violent children
This seminar is being offered by Beyond Consequences and looks like it will be really good for anyone who is dealing with a child who is exceptionally hard to handle. You can Check it out, register, see a simple questionnaire to see if this is for you and learn about Beyond Consequences by clicking this link.
A Two Day Intensive Training for Families with
Out-of-Control, Aggressive, and Violent Children
This specialized training will equip you and empower you
to re-establish safety, peace, and order back into your home.
Saturday & Sunday
July 23 & 24, 2011
Denver, CO
Topics will include:
A Two Day Intensive Training for Families with
Out-of-Control, Aggressive, and Violent Children
This specialized training will equip you and empower you
to re-establish safety, peace, and order back into your home.
Saturday & Sunday
July 23 & 24, 2011
Denver, CO
Topics will include:
- Verbal and Physical Aggression
- Certification for Violence Containment
- Defiant and Unmanagable Behaviors
- Threatening Behaviors to Self and Others
- Destructive Behaviors to the Home
- Significant Mood and Regulatory Disorders
- Complete Disregard to the Word "No"
- Reactive and Massive Meltdowns
- Chronic Disrespectful at All Levels
- Impulsive Hitting and Kicking
- Unsafe Sibling Interactions
- Intentional and Targeted Malicious Acts
- Reactive Parenting That Develops From Constant Conflict
- Parents Who Are Tired of Being Abused
- Restoring the Desire to Parent Again
| Two of the top experts in the field of Childhood Trauma, recognized around the world, will be leading this training and giving you tools and solutions that work.  | ||
| Dr. Ronald S. Federici and Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Both of these experts have not only worked in the mental health field with aggressive and violent children but they both have, more importantly, raised children of their own with these types of unnerving behaviors. They know your situation from a personal experiential level. They "GET" it! | ||
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Myth regarding Ethiopian children and RAD
I recently answered a question regarding the myth populated by who knows who regarding Ethiopian children and RAD and attachment difficulty. Basically, I hear this a lot from lots of people: "Ethiopians love their kids so they don't have RAD or attachment problems". This is a myth. This is my response to the question asking if this is true.
Good to be thinking this through before you take the plunge. It is true that children who come to their families through adoption generally have some significant challenges. Each country has it's unique characteristics. While there are similarities in the struggles children coming from the same country have, there are always those who do not fill that same pattern. There are generalized ideas out there about different parts of the world and their orphan care and the subsequent issues the child is likely to face when in their forever home. You are likely well aware of these ideas.
The fact is that children everywhere struggle with attachment and can indeed have RAD. The way they struggle may look different. A child from Russia may have been deprived of physical contact and suffer from being easily over stimulated, among other issues and situations. A child from Ethiopia may have been carried on their mother from day one to the time they are orphaned or able to walk around. That same child may suffer malnutrition, may have seen violence or experienced it. That child may have been required to work at a very young age. He may have been shuffled around to various relatives and neighbors where who knows what happened to him. Many things that are cultural norms. These things have their own disadvantages and present their own unique and equally upsetting challenges when the child comes to their forever home in the Western world, a major cultural norm shift. An orphanage is no place for a child, no matter where it is there are negative effects from being in one. Even if the child we adopt was loved (and treated well by western standards) by his birth-mother there is a break. Trauma of death or relinquishment, trauma of the orphanage (even if it is a "good" one), trauma of being adopted (yes that is a trauma -separated from family of origin permanently, from culture, language, familiar everything). The younger the child the less trauma, the older the child the greater the possibility is that they have suffered additional traumas. Contrary to popular opinion Ethiopia has it's fair share of abuse and trauma to a child. Poverty is a catalyst for a lot of hard things including abuse. The thing about it is that they value children and family, so we get thrown off here by westernizing those values. Standards of what is acceptable are different than what we would feel appropriate here. Each time a child is hurt it breaks their cycle of trust and the more you experience the more you shut down, the harder it is to give and receive love. Yes, it happens, even in Ethiopia.
There is a yahoo group dedicated to parents of adopted Ethiopian kids who have RAD. It is not a small group and they are not all older adoptees. It is good to be aware of this but it is not really a reason to run away. Rather it is a good reason to learn all you can and prepare to parent a hurt child. If you have already adopted you are likely quite familiar with all the attachment parenting and related ideas and maybe everything I have said here. I would say, just be an aware parent. No matter where you child is born he or she has suffered trauma of one sort or another. Your child needs to have her circle of attachment mended. You are her catalyst to healing. No matter where she is from she will grieve; be angry; be confused; reject; regress; need loads and loads of reassurance and love, nurturing love and stick with it love, from you. If you are ready for this you will do the best you can, and we can only hope the child will too.
If you are interested in stats and papers on abuse in Ethiopia you can check out an earlier post on this with links to papers, journals and stats on this issue.
Good to be thinking this through before you take the plunge. It is true that children who come to their families through adoption generally have some significant challenges. Each country has it's unique characteristics. While there are similarities in the struggles children coming from the same country have, there are always those who do not fill that same pattern. There are generalized ideas out there about different parts of the world and their orphan care and the subsequent issues the child is likely to face when in their forever home. You are likely well aware of these ideas.
The fact is that children everywhere struggle with attachment and can indeed have RAD. The way they struggle may look different. A child from Russia may have been deprived of physical contact and suffer from being easily over stimulated, among other issues and situations. A child from Ethiopia may have been carried on their mother from day one to the time they are orphaned or able to walk around. That same child may suffer malnutrition, may have seen violence or experienced it. That child may have been required to work at a very young age. He may have been shuffled around to various relatives and neighbors where who knows what happened to him. Many things that are cultural norms. These things have their own disadvantages and present their own unique and equally upsetting challenges when the child comes to their forever home in the Western world, a major cultural norm shift. An orphanage is no place for a child, no matter where it is there are negative effects from being in one. Even if the child we adopt was loved (and treated well by western standards) by his birth-mother there is a break. Trauma of death or relinquishment, trauma of the orphanage (even if it is a "good" one), trauma of being adopted (yes that is a trauma -separated from family of origin permanently, from culture, language, familiar everything). The younger the child the less trauma, the older the child the greater the possibility is that they have suffered additional traumas. Contrary to popular opinion Ethiopia has it's fair share of abuse and trauma to a child. Poverty is a catalyst for a lot of hard things including abuse. The thing about it is that they value children and family, so we get thrown off here by westernizing those values. Standards of what is acceptable are different than what we would feel appropriate here. Each time a child is hurt it breaks their cycle of trust and the more you experience the more you shut down, the harder it is to give and receive love. Yes, it happens, even in Ethiopia.
There is a yahoo group dedicated to parents of adopted Ethiopian kids who have RAD. It is not a small group and they are not all older adoptees. It is good to be aware of this but it is not really a reason to run away. Rather it is a good reason to learn all you can and prepare to parent a hurt child. If you have already adopted you are likely quite familiar with all the attachment parenting and related ideas and maybe everything I have said here. I would say, just be an aware parent. No matter where you child is born he or she has suffered trauma of one sort or another. Your child needs to have her circle of attachment mended. You are her catalyst to healing. No matter where she is from she will grieve; be angry; be confused; reject; regress; need loads and loads of reassurance and love, nurturing love and stick with it love, from you. If you are ready for this you will do the best you can, and we can only hope the child will too.
If you are interested in stats and papers on abuse in Ethiopia you can check out an earlier post on this with links to papers, journals and stats on this issue.
Monday, April 11, 2011
car seat/ baby carriers
or do you do this?
Even this too much is bad news for baby bonding:
Just do a simple search and you will come up with a multitude of ways to carry a baby. I think that the style that attaches the baby to the mom are the very best you could imagine. There are so many varieties. No, this post is not a recommendation on one over another. I think they all look great. We used the horrid, old fashioned sort that are impossible to do alone with our first two, lack of knowledge prompted this. At least it was better than the car seat turned carrier. The second two were too big when they came to us and we used an Ergo minimally. The old fashoined hip hug hold with mom's arms is what we used mostly. So, I really can not comment on the best one for this or that. But, please feel free to put a plug in for your favorite one in the comments here!!!!! I am quite sure others would appreciate it.
This post is to say that I see way too many babies in car seat carriers outside of the car. And yes, I have witnessed a few adopted or foster babies in these. I just want to say that this is not the way to carry your child, adopted or not. The big plastic baby chair for the car needs to stay in the car. Please do not carry your child in that thing. A sling or ergo will do the trick in the store, other wise hold the baby in your arms. Sure, they get heavy, but it is not a bad thing to develop muscles, but it is a bad thing to develop attachment issues due to the car seat being used outside of the car. Even the stroller.... ok, I know it is sometimes really handy and a good thing to have on hand. But, not much and not regularly. In the mall, the store, the airport? Carry that baby on you. Even a walk is best with baby hugs. I know most adoptive parents would never dream of using the car seat for a carrier or the stroller tons. But, just in case, and for your friends.... I want to give you three articles on this topic to read for your information and to give to others.
http://www.cafemom.com/group/pregnancy/forums/read/13417608/Do_will_you_use_a_stroller_or_car_seat_Good_to_know
http://blogs.babiesonline.com/news/car-seats-a-risk/
http://www.helium.com/items/1168879-the-dangers-of-keeping-babies-in-car-seats-too-long
The Connected Child
We have found many of the ideas in here very useful for all of our kids. I am going to give some personal advice on here. I do not usually do that, I tend to favor giving you tons of information and letting you decide what to do with it. However, with this one..... I think every adoptive family needs this book. I feel that if you have kids in your home you should read this book and implement it with the kids you have before you add new children to the home. Then it is all in place for your kids who are on their way to your family, and you are all practiced up and your kids now won't be asking you why you are doing it different with the new siblings. I do not think this is strictly a parenting technique for adopted kids but rather what all kids can benefit by. I love this book it is really great. It works for us and we have the diverse kids over here, ha, don't we all!
This book talks about the basic connection your child needs and why it is broken and how to fix it. It gives you ways to implement basic and really important things like: obey the first time, be respectful, no hurts, calm and gentle actions and voice, asking for what you need, etc.
Did you know that your child will mirror the type of attachment style you have? If you have a secure attachment style this will come easier for them, if you have an insecure attachment style then they too will exhibit this type of attachment. How do you know what your style is? Some self examination is in order to find out your attachment style. It is probable that in all your training you have actually had some sort of "ah-ha" moment regarding your own attachment style, grief process and well, all sorts of connections to your child hood events and why you do what you do now. If not, maybe it is time. Dr. Purvis encourages parents to seek out their own story and embrace it and grow from it. She said over and over if you as the parent have not done significant healing of your own you will not be able to lead your child to healing. Here at our house, we can attest to this as truth. Never fear, now is not too late. As you change and grow so will your child. Healing begets healing.
You can also access this information in video clips on Empowered To Connect.
You can buy the videos from TCU.
I strongly suggest that you make this the top priority in reading and implementing BEFORE you bring your child home. And, if you did not do it before, well get it now and start doing this. It is a wonderful tool.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Free or low cost online seminars
I just wanted to let you all know about these free and low cost online seminars. You can find them here at Adoptions Together.
These are just a few of the topics they offer and more are added periodically. Check them out for great information.
Free On-Demand Seminars
Ethnic Hair and Skin Care for the Transracially Adopted Child
Parenting You Can Feel Good About
Monday, March 21, 2011
Subtle attachment issue, personal story
My son is relatively well attached. Sure he has a few issues, but really he has made remarkable strides in family attachment. He is doing well. When he came to us he was fearful, angry and shut us out. He was manipulative and very interested in adults outside of our family to get his needs met. He could scream and shriek and was really a terrible child.
We have worked hard, really hard. He is a great kid now who only occasionally, barely respembles that really super awful kid we brought home. Today he is wonderful. Loves his family, obeys, has a conscious, etc.... He is a super great kid!!!!!
But, sometimes we still have issues.
Like last week. Instead of asking for what he needed he became destructive. This was subtle. He shredded his sock instead of asking to not wear them because the decal on the side was itchy. Ok, kids do this, it is fairly normal to some. However, at the root was the fact that he was unwilling to ask for what he needed so instead of asking he took things into his own hands to ensure than he never had to wear the socks again. He shredded them. On purpose. Deliberate destructive behavior to get what he needed instead of asking. He has witnessed me putting things aside that his brother (also adopted from Ethiopia) says itch, and he does not have to wear them.
So, we had some deliberate teaching time!
I think it is really helpful to know about attachment issues and what they may look like. If I had not read so much and talked to others with experience I may not have caught this for what it was. I am thankful for the experience of others and super great books that clue me in to the subtle cues of attachment issues.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Difficult Adoption
Hi all,
I just wanted to let you know that there is a new upcoming blog out there that is totally dedicated to adopting the hurt child. This blog will have resources, stories and helps for those difficult times in any adoption. What do you do, how do your respond, what is my next step, what resources are out there for me????? I have great hopes that this blog will be a useful and helpful one for everyone in those sometimes common and sometimes rare instances when any adoption is difficult.
Check them out here.
http://difficultadoption.wordpress.com/
I want to let you know too that there is a book associated with this blog and author!!!!! It looks good too. Check out This Means War by Cheryl Ellicot at: http://www.sweetwaterstill.com/thismeanswar.htm
I just wanted to let you know that there is a new upcoming blog out there that is totally dedicated to adopting the hurt child. This blog will have resources, stories and helps for those difficult times in any adoption. What do you do, how do your respond, what is my next step, what resources are out there for me????? I have great hopes that this blog will be a useful and helpful one for everyone in those sometimes common and sometimes rare instances when any adoption is difficult.
Check them out here.
http://difficultadoption.wordpress.com/
I want to let you know too that there is a book associated with this blog and author!!!!! It looks good too. Check out This Means War by Cheryl Ellicot at: http://www.sweetwaterstill.com/thismeanswar.htm
Friday, February 25, 2011
What about Disruption?
With the number of kids coming home from Ethiopia, an older kids at that..... the number of disruptions and the fact that it does happen more often than expected, is seeping out of hiding to take it's place in the reality of adoption from anywhere.
I want to share with you an inspirational story of a family who adopted a child from a disruption. No, not from Ethiopia, but I could find stories on that too. (maybe another post). I found this to be a great story, not hiding the hard, but a good story of truth and hardship. Check out Wanted.
I also thought I would mention that the Adoption Exchange and Rainbow Kids and Colorado Coalition of Adoptive Families (also look at the resources tab for COCAF) have a lot of resource. If you have a kid who has come from hard places and you are struggling and so is your child, check out these resources.
Of late I have notice a lot of posts on various sites on this topic and helps offered from those who have dealt with it. Some of those suggestions have included: respite care; therepy for grief, trauma, abuse, abandonment, RAD, etc; neurofeedback; residential treatment/care; residential situations where the child is out of the home at a school that can deal with the child's special needs and home on weekends. Just some ideas to put out there. I actually know of families who have done each of these things and some multiple.
A note for parents starting the adoption process.
I would highly and strongly suggest that you get in writing the policy of your selected adoption agency (or make it part of your inquiry before deciding) for potential disruptions. Not that any of us plan on this or expect it, but what if. You want to know your agency has a contingency plan, is able to provide help with hard cases, can make a re placement for the child if needed or offer resources for help, therapy, etc, and offer resources for respite care while you re group. Your home-study agency should also have resources for helping you with post placement issues as well as possible disruption. Be sure to ask. If your adoption agency or home-study agency does not or can not do this, then you can make your own plan, gather the resources available in your area. This is your circle to which you can turn in case of severe trauma, abuse, RAD. You can get all the help you can before deciding to disrupt, to hopefully prevent it. Of course it does happen, and you need to have the right resources in place. This is really important.
I want to share with you an inspirational story of a family who adopted a child from a disruption. No, not from Ethiopia, but I could find stories on that too. (maybe another post). I found this to be a great story, not hiding the hard, but a good story of truth and hardship. Check out Wanted.
I also thought I would mention that the Adoption Exchange and Rainbow Kids and Colorado Coalition of Adoptive Families (also look at the resources tab for COCAF) have a lot of resource. If you have a kid who has come from hard places and you are struggling and so is your child, check out these resources.
Of late I have notice a lot of posts on various sites on this topic and helps offered from those who have dealt with it. Some of those suggestions have included: respite care; therepy for grief, trauma, abuse, abandonment, RAD, etc; neurofeedback; residential treatment/care; residential situations where the child is out of the home at a school that can deal with the child's special needs and home on weekends. Just some ideas to put out there. I actually know of families who have done each of these things and some multiple.
A note for parents starting the adoption process.
I would highly and strongly suggest that you get in writing the policy of your selected adoption agency (or make it part of your inquiry before deciding) for potential disruptions. Not that any of us plan on this or expect it, but what if. You want to know your agency has a contingency plan, is able to provide help with hard cases, can make a re placement for the child if needed or offer resources for help, therapy, etc, and offer resources for respite care while you re group. Your home-study agency should also have resources for helping you with post placement issues as well as possible disruption. Be sure to ask. If your adoption agency or home-study agency does not or can not do this, then you can make your own plan, gather the resources available in your area. This is your circle to which you can turn in case of severe trauma, abuse, RAD. You can get all the help you can before deciding to disrupt, to hopefully prevent it. Of course it does happen, and you need to have the right resources in place. This is really important.
Friday, February 11, 2011
FREE Download what to expect the first year home with your child
I wanted to share with you an AWESOME reference. This is one of the coolest things I have seen available FREE for adoptive parents. Having been that parent asking all the questions the first year home and doing all the research, I see this as one of the most valuable tools a parent could put in their toolbox. Go download this at EMK right away and use it, or give it to a family who is in their first year or still waiting for their anticipated child. This is a great resource. Realistic Expectations the First Year Home by EMK press.
From the topics included you can see that this is a well thought out and highly helpful 50 pages. This is only a few of the topics, go to the link to see all of them and download.
Strategies for Building Attachment
by Karleen Gribble, BRurSc, PhD,
Top Ten Tips for Successful First Year Parenting
by Deborah Gray, MSW, MPA
Why Grandma Can’t Pick Up the Baby
by Sheena Macrae and Karleen Gribble
Alone No More...Recognizing Post Adoption Depression
by Heatherly Bucher
Adding The Oldest
by Terra Trevor
Unexpected Special Needs
by Nancy Hemenway
Positive Outcome:
How Can You Combat the Effects of an Orphanage
By Mary Beth Williams, PhD, LCSW, CTS
The Impact of Trauma on the Adopted Child and Ten Keys to Healing
Trauma in the Adopted Child
by B. Bryan Post
How to Find a Therapist Experienced in Attachment and/or Trauma
by the Attachment Disorder Network
Sensory Integration And the Internationally Adopted Child
By Barbara Elleman, MHS, OTR/L, BCP
Help Your Child Ward Off a Mad Attack
by Lynne Namke, EdD
Strategies to Deal with Anger and Power Struggles
by Christopher J. Alexander, PhD
From the topics included you can see that this is a well thought out and highly helpful 50 pages. This is only a few of the topics, go to the link to see all of them and download.
Strategies for Building Attachment
by Karleen Gribble, BRurSc, PhD,
Top Ten Tips for Successful First Year Parenting
by Deborah Gray, MSW, MPA
Why Grandma Can’t Pick Up the Baby
by Sheena Macrae and Karleen Gribble
Alone No More...Recognizing Post Adoption Depression
by Heatherly Bucher
Adding The Oldest
by Terra Trevor
Unexpected Special Needs
by Nancy Hemenway
Positive Outcome:
How Can You Combat the Effects of an Orphanage
By Mary Beth Williams, PhD, LCSW, CTS
The Impact of Trauma on the Adopted Child and Ten Keys to Healing
Trauma in the Adopted Child
by B. Bryan Post
How to Find a Therapist Experienced in Attachment and/or Trauma
by the Attachment Disorder Network
Sensory Integration And the Internationally Adopted Child
By Barbara Elleman, MHS, OTR/L, BCP
Help Your Child Ward Off a Mad Attack
by Lynne Namke, EdD
Strategies to Deal with Anger and Power Struggles
by Christopher J. Alexander, PhD
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Webinars from CASE for only $10 !!!!
I think this is well worth passing on!
Find the flyer here: http://library.constantcontact.com/download/get/file/1100846500013-279/Webinar+Flyer.pdf
Find the flyer here: http://library.constantcontact.com/download/get/file/1100846500013-279/Webinar+Flyer.pdf
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