Dealing with your own grief

I think that as we adjust to our new life with new little ones the experience necessitates some grief work of our own, not just the children we have brought in to our home. The kids grieve the loss of language, culture, the biological parents who SHOULD have been there for them all their life and given them all their love and care--- but can't or won't. Loss of biological identity with their family, the first connections they had, etc.... (not that they know they grieve it, but they do and they will again and again and again). We grieve for them these losses too. We grieve things we don't even know we are grieving, things that this experience touches in our heart long buried. Losses we never truly grieved, things we wished for but never had, pain that was just too much, heartache, loneliness, rejection, shame. Paying attention to this and working through it is an important step to being a better parent. A parent who identifies deeply with the woundedness of the little children we now call ours. A heart that has fully grieved is a more whole heart. Not one with parts split off trying not to feel those hard feelings that we tried to bury. A parent who accepts imperfections in herself and others as an important part of the good life. 

I suggest journaling. Take an hour or so a few days in  a row or one day a week until you are done. Write a list of everything you feel you have lost in your life. Don't limit it to just the death of loved ones. Ideals, dreams, opportunities and hopes can be lost too. Then take each of them and write how it was lost and how you feel about it. Allow yourself to feel. Release it. Each time you do this you open your heart to your child and to a whole life.

Adoption itself creates a great deal of grief in the adoptive family as well. Think about your expectations for your family, your hopes bringing in these new children. Most of the time it does not go as you envisioned. There is loss there to grieve. There are a number of things to grieve in this regard if you were unable to conceive or if you lost a child previously. If you have other children your biological or previously adopted children may have their own grief in this too. Loss of place, normalcy, routine, attention, etc. Grief is not something to be feared rather to be embraced. Take your time to grieve these losses and help your family members do the same. You will all be better for it.

taking a look at your expectations

If you are considering adopting or are newly home with your child(ren) ---Please read this article on expectations.  It is really helpful.

Taking a New Look at Your Expectations

Posted: 27 Mar 2014 11:40 PM PDT

As adoptive and foster parents encounter challenges and struggles, many of them discover that much of their frustration and disappointment is rooted in their own unrealistic expectations.

Watch as Michael Monroe provides insight into the importance of realistic expectations and how by holding their expectations loosely, parents can actually begin to make progress toward greater healing and connection.

For more resources about motivations and expectations, click here.

This article is linked to and is from Empowered To Connect
You can subscribe at this link as well.

End of school = feelings of abandonment ?

The end of a school session, whether for a short break or summer vacation, can bring a load of feelings to the surface for any child. Some kids are just so glad that school is out they give little thought to what they will miss about it. Summer or any break is the best! Other kids love school and are sad to go for a variety of reasons, missing friends, a good teacher, fear of the unknown of next year, slow adjusters to change, etc. These are all very normal for any child. For an adopted child there may be one added reason to be sad school is over, abandonment. What? Oh, it may not be the case for every kid, nor even the majority, but for some, this is as real as school itself.
I recently had the opportunity to sort this out with one of my own, trying to put myself in his shoes for a while. Imagine that you once lived with a loving family who (for whatever reason is apt to your child) sent them to a facility with a lot of children and a few grown ups (orphanage but also school), you now have grief which translates into fear of going to school at all, anxiety and nervous energy with no real good outlet. Oh, no you say, my child asked to go to school, he loves it. Yep, so did mine, sometimes it works, other times, not so well. That desire came from the hopes and dreams painted for them by those adults in Ethiopia. When you go to America you will go to school, lucky child! Or maybe from seeing older kids go and the natural desire to be like older siblings. This often translates into some anxiety that seems to stem from no where. Abandonment. Ok, so we get to the end of the year, our child understands his permanence in our family, no longer worried about school. Just in time, school is out and he crashes in a heap of tears and sadness. What? Is this attachment? Does he love is teacher more than mom? Is he just overly sensitive to change, etc? Well, maybe yes, but more likely no. Abandonment. Yep, remember he once lived at a place full of kids and a few grown ups. Then it was his turn to go with his forever family, leaving what he had finally somewhat adjusted to and he never saw any of them again.............. subconscious abandonment, will this happen this time too? No, not this time. But, what if you move? This child could relive his trauma again and will need you to explain that it is ok to grieve, ok to feel sad, to cry and say what he is afraid of. You can remind him that in the midst of change that is every so hard, good still comes. Look for it and be glad when it comes. Love lives in your heart forever even when you are not with those who you love.
Ok, so your child has been home a year or two and this has not come up. So, we are all good, home free, right? Maybe. Maybe not. This happened for our little one, for the first time, after four years home. You never know when those old feelings and scars will pop back up to stir things up. You never know, be prepared, eyes wide open. Talk openly when/if they come up and  things settle a lot faster. No, I don't think it is feeding them ideas, I think it is giving words to feelings that are buried so deep they are like a big cloud of confusion. Name it, talk about it, it becomes manageable.

Subconscious Memory and annual acting out

If you watch your child closely regarding the cycle of the year, you will likely notice that your child has certain mood swings that are associated with certain months, maybe a particular week or set of days or even a certain day. Whether you mention it or not your child has a subconscious memory of some very significant things. Abandonment, arrival at the orphanage, they day you came to get them. These are all traumatic experiences. There may be other events which trigger reactions that come out of "nowhere".  No, your child is most likely not going to remember, be able to identify what has triggered this behavior, or know anything about what happened. It is long gone from his or her conscious memory. It does not really matter what age your child was adopted at. Infant, toddler, preschooler, older child (who will likely remember but still not know why the behavior), all kids have had at least these three traumas, and it will come up in some way at some time. Some kids are more easily upset or act out regularly at these times. Some kids only have these issues when something else triggers at the same time of year. Say your child came home in August. School starts in August. So, that is hard on two fronts, but you can easily attribute certain behaviors to the change they made when they joined your family. It is exacerbated by school starting. The month your child was abandoned may have no other major change in it or regular stressor. It could go by with minor behaviors. But, one year Mom and Dad go on a weekend trip together that same month, and you have done it before but a different month, your child freaks out more than you expected. Abandonment triggered. Not that you are doing anything wrong or unusual, just a trigger, and yet, not JUST.

So, what are you looking for? Well that is as unique as your child. It could be that your child is more needy, attention grabbing, snugly, rejecting of you or others. You could notice an increase of nervous activity, fear, bed-wetting, bad dreams, acting out at school, bossy or controlling behavior, or melt downs and tantrums.

What to do? Extra attention and reassurance is the best place to start. However, before we realize what it is, we are most likely to come down on them for this "sudden" bad or annoying behavior. Just the opposite of what they need. In some cases it works to actually sit down, have a little chat about your child's early life. Read his or her life book together, talk about feelings. Use a feelings picture page to allow him or her to share feelings. Other times they just need extra reassurance that you are there for them, never leaving, safe, secure, etc.

This time of year is probably something you should discreetly mark in your calendar or alerts, just to give yourself the clue to be a bit more gentle than usual. Remember that the seemingly sudden disruption from your child actually means something and they need something from you. As they grow older, they need to know what it is, where it comes from and what to do about it.

What is it? Sometimes called a body memory, sometimes called simply subconscious memory of a traumatic event.

Where does it come from? Those feelings of being left, ...........of being overwhelmed with all the kids, will my needs be met? I must care for myself and trust no one, etc..... Who are these people, can I trust them? Here we go with another change, will I be ok? Do i have to take care of myself here too? Can I feel is it ok? Fear, uncertainty, rejection, etc.

What to do about it? Tell yourself the truth. That was hard, it was sad, it made me feel............. This happened to me, it was real, it was not ideal..................... When my parents came I was afraid, I had all these feelings. That is ok, it is normal. My parents love me. I did not have to take care of myself anymore. I am safe.  I have a family who loves me and cares about me and what I do and think and feel. It turned out good. In the article linked to in Subconscious memory it tells about the benefit of telling the story and putting it into conscious memory so that it can be reformatted and dealt with. The theory is that it can then be put into perspective and the person can deal with it in a healthy way.

Recognizing this as real validates the experience of the child and helps them to grow beyond it and from it and become a person who can function in the today.

_______________________________
Facial expressions charts:
smilies

feelings chart
feeling chart and wheel
the two above are very useful for checking in to see how your child is at more volatile times.
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A disclaimer.
I post a lot of links. I do so because I feel that the particular page has good information and much to offer. I do not necessarily support all that each site has to say. I trust you to sift the links for information you feel is worthwhile to you.

Grief and Loss

I want to share some resources for Grief and Loss.
Our kids come to us with a great deal of loss. Yes, infants too. We all *know* that but it is hard to really know. 
Here are some great articles to help you learn about grief and loss for your child, what to look for and what you can do to help.
Children and Grief in Scholastic issues/resources,
There are links within this site to other articles. Be sure to check them out too.
Grief Guide
Children and Loss
Resources for families


Kidsaid.com a safe place for kids to grieve online support
Grief Share for kids

Other posts here on Grief and Loss

Difficult Adoption

Hi all,
I just wanted to let you know that there is a new upcoming blog out there that is totally dedicated to adopting the hurt child. This blog will have resources, stories and helps for those difficult times in any adoption. What do you do, how do your respond, what is my next step, what resources are out there for me????? I have great hopes that this blog will be a useful and helpful one for everyone in those sometimes common and sometimes rare instances when any adoption is difficult.
Check them out here.
http://difficultadoption.wordpress.com/

I want to let you know too that there is a book associated with this blog and author!!!!! It looks good too. Check out This Means War by Cheryl Ellicot at:  http://www.sweetwaterstill.com/thismeanswar.htm

What about Disruption?

With the number of kids coming home from Ethiopia, an older kids at that..... the number of disruptions and the fact that it does happen more often than expected, is seeping out of hiding to take it's place in the reality of adoption from anywhere.
I want to share with you an inspirational story of a family who adopted a child from a disruption. No, not from Ethiopia, but I could find stories on that too. (maybe another post). I found this to be a great story, not hiding the hard, but a good story of truth and hardship. Check out Wanted.

I also thought I would mention that the Adoption Exchange and Rainbow Kids and Colorado Coalition of Adoptive Families (also look at the resources tab for COCAF) have a lot of resource. If you have a kid who has come from hard places and you are struggling and so is your child, check out these resources.

Of late I have notice a lot of posts on various sites on this topic and helps offered from those who have dealt with it. Some of those suggestions have included: respite care; therepy for grief, trauma, abuse, abandonment, RAD, etc; neurofeedback; residential treatment/care; residential situations where the child is out of the home at a school that can deal with the child's special needs and home on weekends. Just some ideas to put out there. I actually know of families who have done each of these things and some multiple.

A note for parents starting the adoption process. 
I would highly and strongly suggest that you get in writing the policy of your selected adoption agency (or make it part of your inquiry before deciding) for potential disruptions. Not that any of us plan on this or expect it, but what if. You want to know your agency has a contingency plan, is able to provide help with hard cases, can make a re placement for the child if needed or offer resources for help, therapy, etc, and offer resources for respite care while you re group. Your home-study agency should also have resources for helping you with post placement issues as well as possible disruption. Be sure to ask. If your adoption agency or home-study agency does not or can not do this, then you can make your own plan, gather the resources available in your area. This is your circle to which you can turn in case of severe trauma, abuse, RAD. You can get all the help you can before deciding to disrupt, to hopefully prevent it. Of course it does happen, and you need to have the right resources in place. This is really important.

grief, acting out and anniversaries

Well, I am once again reminded of the good advice so many parents and therapists give adoptive parents. Watch out for anniversaries. Why?  Well, the anniversary of the adoption and the anniversary of their arrival in the orphanage or any other significantly traumatic event is likely to trigger a reaction.  No, they don't know it, they are totally unaware.  But, if your son or daughter is suddenly acting a bit jittery, not sleeping well, extra needy, or just plain naughty with no apparent cause........ ask yourself if this is a significant anniversary time frame for them.  They likely just need a bit of extra attention, love and care and a good dose of security, attachment  and encouragement.

I was just musing over the sudden and unexplained naughty and jittery (minor stuff, but more than usual) behavior of my boys and asked my Bible Study ladies to pray for us as there is just something up, but what.  Well, in saying it out loud I realized that we are a week away from the day we picked them up from the orphanage two years ago.  Joyful event for us, certainly traumatic for them.  Either way, a big huge change, a good change, for them also a scary change.  They did this last year, so why did I not expect it this year?  Silly me.  One of our sons also does this in January, which is the month he was taken to the orphanage.  I had a little chat with them about how they may be feeling and why and gave them more encouragement and reassuring.  They were pretty good the rest of the day.  They just need an overdose of love and affection twice a year and they are fine.  If I can just remember this next time!

Grief

Grief is a mysterious thing. It comes in so many different flavors. A blog I love to read, Family Rooted In Love........ Jillian describes what she has seen as grief on her blog. Go read it.
Another blog I enjoy, thanks to Jillian, is A Bushel and a Peck . There is an interesting discussion on grief there. You can check that out too. It is really helpful to see what other families are experiencing and what they do to help their child grieve well. I like this blog because it has discussions. Go see it.

Interested in more about Grief, what to look for and ideas of how to help your child. See my other post on grief resources. http://jkdcolorado.blogspot.com/2010/01/grief-talk-and-links.html

Post Adoption Depression

Post adoption depression is real. I am really glad that I came upon this article
on Melissa Fay Green's site before we traveled. I needed that assurance that it
is normal, what it is and that it goes away. And it did! A lot of moms and even some dads experience this and so it is good to come out and talk about it. It is not something you expect with child birth, although it is more talked about, let alone with adoption. But, it does happen and it is real and it does go away! Thank God it goes away! But, it is normal, so if you are feeling this way, you are in the company of many, talk about it and don't be afraid.
http://www.thereisnomewithoutyou.com/blog?op=view&id=18
another woman who has blogged about her experience with post adoption depression. It is good to know you are not alone. Julie Gumm  http://juliegumm.com/wordpress/?p=1608  and http://juliegumm.com/wordpress/?p=1632

Here are a few more articles on it:
http://www.thebabycorner.com/page/1165/
http://www.wdxcyber.com/post-adoption-blues.html
http://www.epigee.org/depression-after-adoption.html
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=705
Connecting with kids
Rainbow Kids:
Confessions of an Adoptive Parent with Attachment Issues

Yahoo group:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PostAdoptionDepression/

Book:
Post Adoption Blues 
http://www.amazon.com/Post-Adoption-Blues-Overcoming-Unforeseen-Challenges/dp/1579548660/ref=sr_1_167?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267916709&sr=1-167

Grief talk and links

Well, I have posted a bit on attachment but not so much on grief. This is a really important step for all adopted children. Home at birth, home at 8 months, home at 18 month, age 5 or 10 or 14, they all will grieve, they have all lost. Grieving is part of loving what you have gained. The loss brought you the gain, that can be a source of anger, and eventually when the grief is embraced and subsides then the love can come. With the power of grief, it is hard to feel and accept the love. So, let them grieve, grieve the loss with them. Then celebrate the gain, the family, the love, the life.  Of course you cover grief in the parent classes you have to take prior to adoption. But, then when it really hits, wow. Sometimes you forget all you read or learned momentarily, then it comes back and off you go on the journey of a life time. Sometimes you have the experience of your own grief to go back to and relate with your child on, and understand their hard emotions. It is always good to have more resources and more encouragement from others along the same sort of path.  I love this blog post relating grief to carrying a sleeping bag. Go read it.


I recently re-read one of my favorite books on grief. I read it to the boys. While it is great for all ages, I would say that the meaning behind the soup needs explanation to a child still in the concrete phase of thinking. Tear Soup. I love this book and feel that it is truly one of the best all around books on dealing with grief. So weather you are dealing with a sleeping bag or a bowl of soup. Weather it is a child suffering the losses associated with adoption, another family member grieving a death, a hardship, a loss of anykind...... here is the book that I think of as the book of all books on grief. See it on Amazon.
Their description:

Product Description

If you are going to buy only one book on grief, this is the one to get! It will validate your grief experience, and you can share it with your children. You can leave it on the coffee table so others will pick it up, read it, and then better appreciate your grieving time. Grand's Cooking Tips section at the back of the book is rich with wisdom and concrete recommendations. Better than a casserole!

And this is from our library:
Tear soup : a recipe for healing after loss
    Schwiebert, Pat.

Summary

In this modern-day fable, a woman who has suffered a terrible loss cooks up a special batch of "tear soup," blending the unique ingredients of her life into the grief process. Along the way she dispenses a recipe of sound advice for people who are in mourning. Distributed by Syndetic Solutions, Inc.

Other articles on grief and the adopted child.
Adoption.com   Grief and Loss in Adopted Children second article
Families.com Raising and Adopted Child
fairfamilies.org Adaptive Grieving - Natural for Adopted Child
Suite101.com  Grief and Loss in Adopted Children
About.com has some great links to grief issues - Understanding Grief and Loss - 8 ways to help a child grieve - Understanding a child's yearly struggles with grief -
Article by Sherri Eldridge on Rainbow Kids
Impact of Adoption on Adopted Persons, this is not a stellar article but it has some really good points.

Children's Grief reactions to the death of a loved one
Helping Children through grief
Understanding Children's Grief
Grief Can Last a Lifetime
Grief and Loss for Adopted Children
Several more articles on grief and loss for children

A bunch of articles on Helping Children with Grief, looks like personal experiences on this site

Children and Grief is a real thing 

 Well, there you go, some basics to start with. Grief is natural and should not be feared or avoided. Help your little one to see that it is ok to feel this way and teach them how to show it and share it in positive ways.