Dealing with your own grief

I think that as we adjust to our new life with new little ones the experience necessitates some grief work of our own, not just the children we have brought in to our home. The kids grieve the loss of language, culture, the biological parents who SHOULD have been there for them all their life and given them all their love and care--- but can't or won't. Loss of biological identity with their family, the first connections they had, etc.... (not that they know they grieve it, but they do and they will again and again and again). We grieve for them these losses too. We grieve things we don't even know we are grieving, things that this experience touches in our heart long buried. Losses we never truly grieved, things we wished for but never had, pain that was just too much, heartache, loneliness, rejection, shame. Paying attention to this and working through it is an important step to being a better parent. A parent who identifies deeply with the woundedness of the little children we now call ours. A heart that has fully grieved is a more whole heart. Not one with parts split off trying not to feel those hard feelings that we tried to bury. A parent who accepts imperfections in herself and others as an important part of the good life. 

I suggest journaling. Take an hour or so a few days in  a row or one day a week until you are done. Write a list of everything you feel you have lost in your life. Don't limit it to just the death of loved ones. Ideals, dreams, opportunities and hopes can be lost too. Then take each of them and write how it was lost and how you feel about it. Allow yourself to feel. Release it. Each time you do this you open your heart to your child and to a whole life.

Adoption itself creates a great deal of grief in the adoptive family as well. Think about your expectations for your family, your hopes bringing in these new children. Most of the time it does not go as you envisioned. There is loss there to grieve. There are a number of things to grieve in this regard if you were unable to conceive or if you lost a child previously. If you have other children your biological or previously adopted children may have their own grief in this too. Loss of place, normalcy, routine, attention, etc. Grief is not something to be feared rather to be embraced. Take your time to grieve these losses and help your family members do the same. You will all be better for it.

taking a look at your expectations

If you are considering adopting or are newly home with your child(ren) ---Please read this article on expectations.  It is really helpful.

Taking a New Look at Your Expectations

Posted: 27 Mar 2014 11:40 PM PDT

As adoptive and foster parents encounter challenges and struggles, many of them discover that much of their frustration and disappointment is rooted in their own unrealistic expectations.

Watch as Michael Monroe provides insight into the importance of realistic expectations and how by holding their expectations loosely, parents can actually begin to make progress toward greater healing and connection.

For more resources about motivations and expectations, click here.

This article is linked to and is from Empowered To Connect
You can subscribe at this link as well.

Adoption Reform 2014- update

Positive News from Ethiopia (reposted from adoption forum)

We are thrilled to share positive news from Ethiopia. Earlier today Minister Zenebu, along with other high level MOWCYA officials, met with agency network representatives. In this meeting it was clearly expressed from Minister Zenebu that she does not plan to work to stop adoptions, but desires to focus on eliminating bad practice in Ethiopian adoptions and focus on good practice. She stated that both MOWCYA and the Ethiopian Government do not plan to shut down adoptions within Ethiopia. She encouraged agencies to continue their work as normal.

We know this news comes as relief for many adoptive families in process. Our agency will continue to work on behalf of Ethiopia’s orphans and vulnerable children to place them into Christian homes. We expect MOWCYA will likely hold more meetings in the weeks to come and will continue to keep families updated with any new information. We are seeing several regions issuing clearances for children to be adopted and are hopeful more will start soon.

America World is in full support of improvements to uphold the most ethical practices in adoption. We care deeply about adoptions operating with integrity and transparency, and will continue to support MOWCYA in their efforts to implement better parameters around adoption processes and safeguards against fraudulent practice.

http://adoptedbydes ign.typepad. com/blog/ 2014/01/positive -news-from- ethiopia. html http://adoptedbydes ign.typepad. com/blog/ 2014/01/positive -news-from- ethiopia. html

Accuracy For Adoptees Bill Passed

The Accuracy for Adoptees bill has been signed into law! So if you've had a birth date change at the state level for your adopted child, it will be recognized when getting their passport and Certificate of Citizenship. Link to site is the title below, with the summary.

Shown Here:Passed House without amendment (12/23/2013)

(This measure has not been amended since it was introduced. The summary of that version is repeated here.)
Accuracy for Adoptees Act - Amends the Immigration and Nationality Act to require that a certificate of citizenship or other federal document issued, or requested to be amended, reflect the child's name and date of birth as indicated on a state court order, birth certificate, certificate of foreign birth, certificate of birth abroad, or similar state vital records document issued by the child's U.S. state of residence after the child has been adopted or readopted in that state.